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So some poor idiot from Kentucky is going through one of the toughest break ups imaginable. That’s because the girl he was seeing for the past few years is a psychotic moron who decided to break up with him on her Facebook wall, rather than in person. It’s one of the most ironic, narcissistic, self-promoting, moronic ramblings we’ve ever read. Yet we could not look away. The post was a long one, so we’ll break it down piece by piece. Although really, a more appropriate title for this blog should be: Two losers break up today in Kentucky. Her Facebook posts are in italics, and our thoughts follow them in normal font…
Dirty laundry time! I don’t usually share drama on social media, but I need to bring this to the world’s attention. I know you’ve seen a lot of activity from me lately flaunting my adorable relationship with the boyfriend, Jason Stonebraker. While these things truly happened, I was not honest with you about my true feelings. These posts were part of a plan to end my relationship. Let me tell you why.
I already hate you more than you can imagine. If I had a gun with two bullets, and was alone in a room with you, Kim Kardashian, and Kanye West, I’d shoot you twice. Just kidding. I’d only do that if I HAD to shoot someone.
But seriously, your first sentence is the most obvious lie in the history of the world. I’ve never been on your Facebook, but I’d bet my magical turtle that you do in fact USUALLY share your drama on social media. A normal person just dumps their boyfriend and moves on, but for whatever reason you NEED to bring this to the world’s attention. Because we can’t just go on knowing that some idiot with a terrible goatee is a shitty person.
You know how I can tell you’re a terrible person to be friends with on Facebook? Because you acknowledge that you post too many pictures of you and your idiot ex-boyfriend on Facebook. Yet you do it anyway. But yea, I’m sure this is your first time sharing “drama” on Facebook.
I recently found out my wonderful, committed boyfriend (with whom I currently live) has been cheating on me with at least five women. They range in age and appearance and are, I’m sure, just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll choose to take the high road here and not divulge their names. It all started when I stumbled upon his phone and found some very incriminating texts and pictures. For the record, I am no snooper. It’s just not my style. I was only curious, just wondering what he’d been up to. I have nothing to hide and assumed he didn’t either.
But sure enough, I struck infidelity gold and discovered what a twisted psychopath he really is.
Yea, she’s not a snooper. She just magically picked up his phone and went through all his texts and pictures. But don’t you dare call her a snooper!!!
The fun part of the story is that when he left for work this morning, I kissed him goodbye and asked what he’d like for dinner tonight. Tonight when he gets home, however, he will find an empty apartment and this letter:
February 24, 2014
To Coach Jason (Stoney) Stonebraker:
YOU ARE A FOOL. You’re a liar, a cheater, and a borderline pedophile. You disgust me. You’ve used me and taken me for granted far too long. I will not waste one more precious minute with your sorry self.
Borderline pedophile? I believe that’s code for, “you’re diddling a hot 18 year old.”
You call me crazy—the lamest, most overused derogatory insult for a woman. (I know you struggle with big words, so derogatory=bad.) I’ll admit, I was crazy. Crazy for lowering my standards for you. Crazy for believing you had potential. Crazy for making excuses for your faults and overlooking your downfalls. Crazy for believing you when you told me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Crazy for wasting 2 1/2 years on you. Crazy to move from Nashville to Bowling Green to be with you. Like I always say, “Behind every crazy woman is a man who made her that way.”
OK Patsy Cline. Crazy – also generally the most accurate insult for a woman. I’m sure this girl’s gonna have no problem finding a new, stable boyfriend. She seems nice.
Also, this entire paragraph is copyright infringement. And please, stop acting like leaving Nashville can ever possibly be considered a bad thing.
I couldn’t care less what you think of me. Lions do not lose sleep over opinions of sheep.
Gotta love this girl. She really thinks she’s coming up with this authentic break up and all she’s doing is stealing quotes from dead country music singers and Richard Sherman. And like I said, I’ve never met this girl, but I guarantee she absolutely cares what he thinks of her, and she’s lost lots of sleep over it.
To reiterate (that means “go over it again”): I am light years out of your league. I am smarter than you, more successful than you, and kinder than you deserve. I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU. And everyone knows it. I see the look in your friends’ eyes. The look that says “why are YOU with HIM?” None of my friends or family can stand you and have eagerly encouraged me to leave you for years. I should have listened sooner.
If she feels the need to define a word that any adult knows the meaning of one more team, in an obvious attempt to make herself sound smarter than she really is, then I’m gonna lose my shit.
Newsflash: you’re with him because you have no better options and your ovaries come with an expiration date. If you were “lightyears out of his league” then you wouldn’t have been in his league for the last three years. And he’s a school teacher in Kentucky, so it’s not exactly hard to be more successful than him.
And that “look in his friends’ eyes” you’re referencing – that was the look they gave a girl who was too stupid to know that her live in boyfriend was cheating on her flagrantly and she had no clue. They certainly weren’t giving you that look because they think you deserve better. You obviously don’t.
About the apartment: I terminated the lease weeks ago. (Yes, WEEKS.) It’s up March 31st. You have two options: 1) pay March rent or 2) GTFO. We both know you’re broke with barely an income, so I assume you’ll move back in with mommy and daddy—if they let you. Remember how happy they were when I moved to Bowling Green a year ago and you FINALLY moved out of their house? LOL
You’re a broke, 30 year old manwhore who lives with his parents. And it’s likely you’ll be without a job very soon. So lame.
It’s all good. As long as Obama’s President of the United States. He can sleep on his parents couch till noon, collect unemployment and get free healthcare. Jokes on you.
I feel as though an elephant has been lifted from my shoulders—or should I say a yeti? I’ve supported you, I’ve paid for EVERYTHING, I’ve cooked, cleaned, and done your laundry. I gave you my entire heart and everything I have but still this wasn’t enough for you. You’ve wanted for nothing, yet you still felt the need for attention from other women? You just needed your ego stroked—among other things. Because that’s the kind of person you are. You are a twisted psychopath and a master manipulator of women. You flaunt a bravado to cover up your wild insecurities. You are the most pretentious egomaniac I’ve ever met. (All those big words mean “you talk a big game but you ain’t shit.”)
She did it again with the definitions. No wonder this guy slept with so many other women.
Despite being an ugly bastard who apparently buys his clothes at Savers, this guy was sleeping with dozens of women, while his live in girlfriend crossed state lines for him, cooked, cleaned and did his laundry for nearly three years? I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.
In conclusion, I am elated to be done with you. Thank you for giving me an easy out. I’ve struggled with wanting to leave you for months but my big heart didn’t want to hurt YOU or leave you stranded without a place to live. (Really, where are you going to go?) In light of your multiple infidelities, I have found clarity and peace. I may mourn the loss of a relationship, but I will never mourn you. I cannot wait to get you out my life. I’d rather live in a polar vortex for a hundred years than spend one more day with you.
I will go on to be the amazing, independent woman that I am: charming, successful, kind, clever, witty, faithful, talented, and wicked smart…my list of attributes is a mile long.
And you’re the fool that let me go.
Bless your stupid, stupid heart.
This girl’s got such a big heart, and she’s going to be successful, charming, kind, clever, witty, talented and smart. Even ask her.
Seriously though, people who say this sort of shit about themselves are as insecure as you get. If your “list of attributes are a mile long” then you wouldn’t be dating an ugly bastard who pulls tail like you read about. But you’re obviously not any of those things, or else you wouldn’t have been dating a loser with a goatee who lived in his parents basement.
P.S. Although I’m sure there’ve been countless others, your epic douchery has come to my attention only in the past few weeks. Everything I’ve done since then has been a calculated step in my overall strategy to leave you. Nothing I’ve done has been without purpose. Holding my tongue and acting as if everything was normal: the purpose was to blindside you. AND IT WORKED. The whole twitter ordeal and tagging you on social media: the purpose was to call attention to myself and let the other women know you had a live-in CURRENT girlfriend so they could also see what a dog you are. AND IT WORKED. Packing my belongings bit by bit “to sell in a yard sale”: the purpose was to make it easier on me moving day. AND IT WORKED. Telling you I’m working from home today: the purpose was so I could pack in peace whilst you were at school. AND IT WORKED.
Yea Jason. She’s been planning out her break up with you for weeks, making up elaborate lies about yard sales and inserting herself into your twitter conversations to blow up your spot. There is nothing crazy about that whatsoever. Absolutely nothing.
Glad to hear her plan worked, unlike the bad guys from Scooby Doo…
Not only do you take me for granted, but you also overwhelmingly underestimate me.
Hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned, Jason.
I have already moved on from you. And it was easy.
So the moral of this story is, a man should never underestimate a woman with bigger balls.
No, I’d say the moral of the story is put a lock on your cell phone and make sure you put her naked pictures on the internet (there is a 100% chance he has naked pictures).
Well this Facebook tirade went viral when Deadspin picked it up. So she ended up taking the post down, and put this one up instead:
For a woman who claims to be extremely intelligent, she sure seems to have trouble with this whole “internet” thing.
“He deserves my scorn, but not everyone else’s.”Hmmmmm…..wasn’t the whole point of the Facebook post to get everyone else to scorn him? I mean, how did she think this was going to end? She’d make an insane post like this, two people would like it, and we’d all live happily ever after?
I’ve seen quite a few dirty laundry break ups like this on Facebook, and it’s ALWAYS done in order to get your friends to reassure you that you do in fact deserve much better, and that he’s such an asshole. Watching Facebook break ups transpire is literally one of my favorite things to do in the world. I love every minute of it. I bring my wife into the room and we watch the updates come in together. It’s fantastic.
Gotta love her logic though. She wishes him the best of luck? Yea, he’s gonna need it when his next prospective employer googles him and “pedophile” is the first word that comes up in google auto prompt. So yea Jason, she’s really sorry about the whole police investigation that turned out to be baseless, but she totally wishes you the best, so at least you’ve got that going for ya.
As she mentioned before multiple times – she’s really, really smart. Which is why it’s surprising that she didn’t see this “going viral.” After all, she only put it on the second most trafficked website in the world.
You know what’s really bullshit about all this? Her name is blacked out by Deadspin. Yet she’s the one who started this whole thing, and accused a teacher of being a pedophile, which of course turned out to be baseless. So his life is ruined, and she gets to go on being anonymous. That sounds fair. Ya see, in America, the accuser is always right. But yea, this a MAN’s world. Right.
Luckily for you all, this is not Deadspin. They provide merely lukewarm tastes, but you come here for the hottest takes around. We did a little muckraking, and found out this lovely lady is named Haley Russell. Here’s here Facebook. As you can see from the pictures, she was right. She’s way out of his league:
Seriously, the most AMAZING part about this story is that this guy^^^ has gotten six women to find him attractive enough to have an affair with him. I just can’t get over that.
She’s also right that her idiot friends have come to her rescue on FB:
You know why they’re saying that stuff Haley? Because they’re all morons too. It’s like taking diet advice from your fat friend. The fact that you are someone’s hero, in a world where millions of people are making a positive difference on society, tells you how stupid anyone is that would consider you there hero.
I only saw one person on he FB that was keeping it real. She didn’t like him very much….
You didn’t do the things that ruined his career? Oh I see. He must’ve stolen your cell phone and wrote all that stuff himself. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking someone’s cell phone and going through it, right Haley? Gotta love how this girl thinks the supporter to “hater” ratio is 100:1. Newsflash hun, the comments on your Facebook wall are not some kind of gallup poll. Most people come out of this saying two things:
1) He’s a dooshnozzle for cheating on a girl who is much better looking than him.
2) You need psychological help, pronto!!
Back in my day when a man cheated on a woman he got beaten over the head with a bread roller and came home to find his clothes on the front lawn. TurtleBoy frowns upon this new age break up and infidelity in general.
One thing I do know for sure coming out of this whole ordeal is that this DEFINITELY isn’t the last one of these letters she’ll be writing.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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