Many people are consumed with commie cold updates, but a woman in Cumberland, RI was confronted with a much more dangerous threat yesterday.
Holy blue balls! Thank God the police in Cumberland track 911 calls to find out the exact geo-location of the people hiding in their cars behind the sand dunes with crotch fruits in tow. I for one can totally relate to taking a wrong turn and getting chased by a man with a machete and truck covered in confederate flags, who then decided to chase her on foot and was unable to find her vehicle due to the fact that it was hidden by said sand dunes. Shame on the CPD for not arresting this ninja hick, and thots and shares go out to the victim.
Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:
Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:
38 Comment(s)
So he came at them with a knife and they were in the car, because she’s talking about hitting the gas. So, like, her car doesn’t have doors or windows? That would stop a knife? Or they saw the knife, so they got out of the car that is made almost entirely of metal and decided go on foot. As you do. This makes total sense.
We’d best get indoors. The Sandpeople are easily startled. They’ll be back and in greater numbers.
if he wasn’t wearing a mask he’d get 10 years in the joint. how was he vietcong? was it his breath or what?
I think it was his machete love. Her story woulda been cooler if she said he had ninja stars.
here’s hoping ninja stars fill your sky. but i think if he’d used Shinobi tire sandal it would have been cooler still.
walker of shadows, warrior of the night.
“The Shogun just stayed inside his castle. And he never came out. People said his brain was infected by devils”.
Musta been Kung Flu.
strange, the docs told me i had a Shogun Brain Misfire, but i reckon i was just missing you, my Sushi.
When I was little, my father was famous
He was the greatest samurai in the empire
And he was the Shogun’s decapitator
He cut off the heads of a hundred and thirty-one lords
It was a bad time for the empire
The Shogun just stayed inside his castle and he never came out
People said his brain was infected by devils
My father would come home, he would forget about the killings
He wasn’t scared of the Shogun, but the Shogun was scared of him
Maybe that was the problem.
Then, one night, the Shogun sent his ninja spies to our house.
They were supposed to kill my father but they didn’t.
That was the night everything changed
See, sometimes
You gotta flash ’em back
See iggas don’t know where this shit started
Y’all know where it came from
I’m saying we gonna take y’all back to the source
Do the knowledge, yo
When the MCs came to live out the name and to perform
Some had to snort cocaine to act insane before Pete rocked it on
Now on with the mental plane to spark the brain with the building to be born
Yo, RZA, flip the track with the what to cut
Fake iggas get flipped
In mic fights I swing swords and cut clowns
Shit is too swift to bite you record and write it down
I flow like the blood on a murder scene, like a syringe
On some wild out shit, to insert a fiend
But it was your op to shop stolen art
Catch a swollen heart from not rolling smart
I put mad pressure, on phony wack rhymes that get hurt
Shit’s played like zodiac signs on sweatshirts
That’s minimum, and feminine like sandals
My minimum table stacks a verse on a gamble
Energy is felt once the cards are dealt
With the impact of roundhouse kicks from black belts
That attack, the mic-fones like cyclones or typhoons
I represent from midnight to high noon
I don’t waste ink, igga, I think
I drop megaton bombs more faster than you blink
Cause rhyme thoughts travel at a tremendous speed
Clouds of smoke, of natural blends of weed
Only under one circumstance that’s if I’m blunted
Turn that shit up, my Clan in the front want it
Now when the MCs came to live out the name and to perform
Some had to snort cocaine to act insane before Pete rocked it on
Now on with the mental plane to spark the brain with the building to be born
Yo, RZA, flip the track with the what to cut
I’m on a mission that iggas say is impossible
But when I swing my swords they all choppable
I be the body dropper, the heartbeat stopper
Child educator, plus head amputator
‘Cause iggas styles are old like Mark 5 sneakers
Lyrics are weak like clock radio speakers
Don’t even stop in my station and attack
While your plan failed, get derailed like Amtrak
What the fuck for? Down by law, I make law
I be justice, I sentence that ass two to four
Round the clock, that state pen time, check it
But the pens I be sticking with, you can’t state the crime
Came through with the Wu, slid off on the DL
I’m low-key like seashells, I rock these bells
Now come aboard, it’s Medina bound
Enter the chamber, and it’s a whole different sound
It’s a wide entrance, small exit like a funnel
So deep it’s picked up on radios in tunnels
iggas are fascinated how the shit begin
Get vaccinated, my logo is branded in your skin
When the MCs came to live out the name and to perform
Some had to snort cocaine to act insane before Pete rocked it on
Now on with the mental plane to spark the brain with the building to be born
Yo, RZA, flip the track with the what to cut
True The Wu be for the kiddos. But Shogun Assassin be for all the ninjas.
common slut
First they zip tie a buggy to your door, now they just chase you into a sand dune! Shit, NW Rhode Island is LIT!
Kick the town manager to the curb. She should stand by the chief. Dumb ass.
Why do we tolerate allowing the Worcester DPH to dictate what West Boylston does? With the taxes WB collects we should have our own DPH. Worcester is a cesspool and their practices and decisions have led to one of the highest rates of the virus in the world. Dennis has unleashed the revolt that should give WB back to its own citizens.
You are commenting on the wrong story hunny, pay attention !
SQUIRREL!!!!!
Would
The fact that she was able to drive through sand and behind sand dunes at a quarry lmfao in a 2 door Honda with Acura emblems and 4 entirely different rims and rings sizes on each tire. has me fucking flabbergasted! If this was somewhere down south. the story might be plausible but Confederate flag stickers in R.I. of all places lmfao.. I think not.
Stop spawning brown crotch fruits and white guys with machetes will have no reason to kill you.
She should have reported the red neck for ; tinted vehicle windows, no mask, or Trump bumper sticker. Only thing Police take serious now.
I feel like I saw this movie, I just can’t think of the name….. Wrong Turn. That was it. Luckily, she forgot to mention that she had Skeet Ulrich there to save her.
That same guy chased me down the street at the local target. Luckily I was able to run and hide behind a pile of dirty masks and gloves.
Maybe she interrupted an S+M porn shoot at the quarry, where she and her kids were mistaken for actors and the cops knew about the filming. In any event, RI has less regulation than Mass., and people are a little more free to express themselves and do what they want, rather than doing only what government demands.
So she drove and hid behind sand dunes? The police no doubt failed to follow up because there were no tire tracks seen going to your purported hiding spot. Gotta admit it’s a step above the someone tried to kidnap me in the Dollar Store parking lot…
Where are all the booty shots & doggy filter pics from the Fakebook, TB?
Please stop calling children crotch fruits you pedophile.
No
What’s wrong, are you getting a little turned on? Only a pedophile would associate the term “crotch fruit” with pedophilia.
Interesting given that the Cumberland Police had no service calls to the quarry or Manville Hill Road at all in the past seven days.
That same guy came after me yesterday too :0 chased after me with a machete and I barely got away. I sped off in my car before he could get to me, and I could still see the maniac in my rearview, he was jumping around and screaming “This is maga country!!!”
I CACA DAU VC! I CACA DAU!
Here’s what most likely really happened:
Some redneck with a Confederate Flag pulled into the quarry and she accused him of blocking her car. They got into a small argument and she decided to go Jussie Smollett about it.
even more likely, she was probably totally in the wrong and pulled down a one way or some other stupid shit, and refused to back down. he probably had a trump bumper sticker and she had a total TDS meltdown.
Yeee Hawwwww! I wish I was in Dixie! That sounds like a good ol time!
You wantem number one fuckie? I give you everything.
So brave!
And he was huge. Like really tall. I couldn’t see his face because he had a goalie mask on. And he was wearing a mechanic jumpsuit. He just kept walking after us. We’re running away falling over everything. So scary. But we manged to hide behind sand so he gave up and disappeared.
She was going to hide with her kids in a running car but thought the shed with the hanging chain saws was so much better.
It could be anybody.