D List Diabetes Celebrity From Wahlburgers Is Threatening To Come To Uncle Turtleboy’s House To Defend Failure Swift’s Honor


This is Henry “Nacho” from the show Wahlburgers.

The Wahlburg brothers keep him around because they need a fat guy to fuck with. He’s basically Phil from Jackass, and they do segments on him drinking hot sauce and stuffing himself with transfat to speed up his inevitable death.

“What started as a bet to eat an enormous bowl of grated cheese grew into an ever-increasing array of challenges, including whole lobsters in the shell, golf divots, sour milk, and pint-sized bottles of hot sauce. Living by the mantra, ‘Cash is king,’ Nacho will eat anything for the right price,” his A&E bio states.  

Nacho puts the D list celebrity in Diabetes.

Mark Wahlberg is rich and famous and wants to make it seem like he’s still a man of the people who hangs out with his boys from home. In reality he keeps Nacho around because fat guys who will do anything and sacrifice their own health in order to amuse other people are entertaining. It’s why they made him do a “celebrity” boxing match with Mike Lee. Except Mike Lee’s celebrity status comes from the fact that he’s a professional boxer.

But eventually this act got old because he’s no longer on the show and a petition was created to bring his fat ass back. And despite the fact that those things are basically acts of Congress it hasn’t worked out. The tattoo is forever though.

If you’ve ever gotten a tattoo of one of your living friend’s faces, you’re not really their friend, you’re a fan boy.

Sure, Marky Mark brought him on Kimmel in 2012.

But that was back when the TV show was still a thing. Now Nacho is pretty useless, and evidently he’s friends with the psychopath known as Failure Swift because he posted a video on Facebook, threatening Turtleboy for bullying her.

You haven’t really made it in life until a guy who’s one steak and cheese away from a massive coronary heart attack threatens to come to your house on behalf of a mentally unstable scam artist who’s suing you in federal court. So many memorable quotes.

“Turtleboy, listen dude, I don’t know who you are but cyberbullying, ya know, you’re gonna hurt someone’s feelings.”

Oh no, not feelings!! Those matter!! Question – did Failure Swift think about Metro’s feelings when she degraded, humiliated, and emasculated him by posting a video of her latest husband in his underpants on Facebook?

Did she think about the feelings of the staff at Kent Hospital who she slandered in her video?

Did she think at all about the damage she’s doing to her two daughters by forcing them to call multiple men “Dad?” Did you think about what it does to them psychologically to watch them constantly call the police, get in ugly fights with her many husbands, and isolate them from kids their own age? Did she think about them at all when she repeatedly dragged her children into this dumpster and made up blatant lies that people are threatening to rape them? Fuck her, and fuck you too you sweaty gravy dumpster

“See this face?”

“You’re not gonna like it when it’s knocking on your door.”

No one would like that face knocking on their door. No, we don’t have any more pie. Go away. I’m sure Uncle Turtleboy’s shitting in his boots though.

“She’s a sickly woman and you keep on harassing her. Heed my warning – leave the girl alone.”

Heed my warning – get the surgery. You’re well past the point where exercise is an option.

You don’t like it? Change the channel.”

Change the channel! What a novel idea! It’s almost like Failure Swift has the option of NOT reading Turtleboy, NOT coming to our Facebook page to comment with fake names, NOT pretending to be Metro constantly, NOT listening to our podcasts, and NOT pursuing her stupid lawsuit in the first place.

“Do not pick on innocent people and women.”

Oh look, it’s the white knight defender of women, here to save a poor innocent woman who’s plotting to steal her husband’s house. Does this look like a guy who would ever stand for the degradation of women?

I’m sure those girls wanted this cholesterosaurus to grab their asses like that, and totally didn’t feel like they needed to let him because he’s boys with Marky Mark.

“Put your real name out there.”

Yea Uncle Turtleboy, you should write a book or something, using your real name.

“I heard you have a radio show on WRKO. Guess who’s gonna make some phone calls?”

Well this is a new one. Uncle Turtleboy was on the Kuhner Report a couple times and is doing a rally with Jeff this weekend. Guess that means he works there so fat ass is gonna harass them for a while because God no he has nothing else going on in his sad, pathetic life.

“You wanna be known as a blogger? Blog about something positive.”

Exposing people who use mobs to attack doctors and nurses is something positive.

“What you hear from other people, it’s hearsay. Smarten up!”

You’re literally repeating something you heard from a mentally unbalanced lunatic, but OK.

Anyway, if Nacho wants to come on the live show I’m sure Uncle Turtleboy would have him, because he clearly doesn’t know anything about his old “friend” Failure Swift.

We’d be happy to educate him on the matter though.

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71 Comment(s)
  • John Doe
    July 18, 2019 at 9:43 pm

    This guy is the maggot con scammed me out of 200 dollars of my daughters birthday money for big time rush tickets. That were never ready at Will call. Disappointed my daughter and made me furious had some people looking so I could confront about money even tweeted his boss marky mark and nothing!

  • Corinth Arkadin
    July 15, 2019 at 1:58 pm


    I am so not surprised he’s been linked, even tangentially, with the White Trash shitheads who are the Walbergs.

  • Don't
    July 14, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    Turtleboy, I am a long time fan. If you every really feel threatened by these morons let us know. I am sure that I and most turtle riders will show up to protect you, your family, and free speach.

    • Imbeciles
      July 14, 2019 at 4:16 pm

      Stop not stopa. fast keyboard.

  • Dr Girlfriend
    July 12, 2019 at 1:45 pm

    It’s rich that this creature would mention intelligence, albeit breifly, in the midst of whatever the hell that was. He seemed too infirmed, intoxicated or ignorant (one can only speculate) to properly feign outrage. Coming from a troglodyte whom is willing to publicly humiliate himself for some sense of relevance. One can reasonably assume his earned degree is from that of the school of hard knocks. Rich I tell you.

  • Union Firefighter
    July 11, 2019 at 8:11 pm

    I have also heard that Markie Mark used to beat up colored people. Can’t confirm but if true means he’s a total shitbird.

  • Kevin Campopiano
    July 11, 2019 at 6:05 pm

    Absurdly boring. Failure swift and my cousin Metro…. Local internet hero’s. 2 fucking idiots

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    July 11, 2019 at 4:49 pm

    Between the cigars, bad diet, and the fat, I give his ticker 2 years max.

  • Stunt Penis
    July 11, 2019 at 11:20 am

    Feel free to drop Blondie on the left off at my place on your way up to Uncle Turtleboys”…

    • Imbeciles
      July 14, 2019 at 4:19 pm

      I think I would eat her pussy, but probably a shitload of std’s with it.

  • Milodog
    July 11, 2019 at 11:07 am

    And to think I rolled my eyes when Kat was boasting about being besties with high profile celebrities. Boy was I wrong.

  • Paul Manafort
    July 11, 2019 at 10:35 am

    Can someone bring me a wahlburger? Nothing to eat here beside cock. Roaches.

  • Ho Chin Mihn
    July 11, 2019 at 10:13 am

    He fucking hit me in eye! Fucking white punky punk. Now he rich! He owe me many monies! Dirt dot dog fucker!

  • Failure Swift "Fan"
    July 11, 2019 at 8:29 am

    Uncle TB You have to get this guy Nacho on your show. How did Metro Narcisi, teacher and acclaimed saxophonist get hooked up with this trash? Bring back Cousin Vinnie! (the brother). He said he would come back if she kept up her smear campaign. Well, she is still blaming her in-laws for her troubles. Failure Swift…the gift that keeps on giving.

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    July 11, 2019 at 6:29 am

    Well, this is a turn up for the plus-fours.
    It truly is a gift that keeps on giving.

    Let me get this straight. Some bloke who has occasionally been on telly because he’s so desperate to be associated with some hack actor and his family that he will eat pretty much anything, has come riding to the rescue of Failure Swift in the form of a threatening video message?

    You couldn’t make this shit up. Fucking wonderful insanity! This fat cunt is as insane as she is. I think Henry Fatcho might get a limerick of his own………

    • Ziggy
      July 14, 2019 at 4:27 pm

      I think Dick Scratcher is an American like I.

  • K
    July 11, 2019 at 12:30 am

    This is all deflection. I demand to see proof of life for poor Marko.
    I want him in front of Orovidence City hall holding a newspaper with tomorrow’s date while the nearest church clock strikes twelve. At least we’ll know he’s still alive.
    Marko loves his beautiful wife. He adores and supports her. I just want to make sure he’s alive and not under some marsh in the wilds of Fall River.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      July 11, 2019 at 6:55 am

      Who in the blue fuck is Marko?

      • The Name Game
        July 11, 2019 at 8:17 am

        Looks like a drunken combo of Messrs. Wahlburger and Narcissi.

        • K
          July 11, 2019 at 10:38 pm

          Sorry. My iPhone won’t type M E T R O for some reason.

  • Anthony Grossi
    July 10, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    Uh, sir, that would be “alluding”, not “eluding”. You are welcome to eat, smoke, and/or drink yourself to death, and degrade women along your journey, but not having a fundamental grasp of the English language is so…uncivilized.

    • Anthony Grossi
      July 10, 2019 at 9:16 pm

      oh sorry, that was Ms Swift, not Nacho. Either way.

  • Y
    July 10, 2019 at 9:04 pm

    Hey Nacho Cheese, you slimy, greasy, butterball. Your mother will be pissed if you go to Uncle’s house and don’t come home in time for dinner.
    You chose the wrong (KC) Hill to die on!
    She gives terrible head; you see those teeth?

  • Batman
    July 10, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    The wife loves the stupid Wahlburgers show so I have been watching along. What comes out of it is that Mark is a grade a asshole, Donnie is an attention whore and Paul is a hot shit who puts up with his younger brothers bs. In one episode Mark, the pos that he is, bet nacho like 500 to eat a huge divot. Of course the nitwit was down for it, lo and behold, he breaks a tooth on a rock. Mark thought it was hilarious. Douchebag

    • Queer Dog
      July 14, 2019 at 4:31 pm

      Stop watching it. You are under her control. Fag. No excuse

  • K&B
    July 10, 2019 at 8:52 pm

    Go, you, Fat Boy, go, Fat Boy, go, Fat Boy… FAT BOY!

  • Tinseltown Midget Hero
    July 10, 2019 at 8:38 pm

    I suck hot semen sauce out of 5 foot 1 Marky Mahks ballbag and I love it. If me an midget mahk were on a plane 911 never would have happened because as super midget said he would have saved the world.

  • Jeff J
    Nacho's Clogged Arteries
    July 10, 2019 at 8:28 pm

    Oh WOW!! This shit is priceless. KC’s even got him believing her bullshit.
    Watch out!! “Guess who’s gonna be makin some phone calls?” Let me guess… it the big tough guy who talks like he’s got balls in his mouff? The guy that’s one more big mac away from a double bypass? Be scared, be very scared. What a tool!

  • Save Metro
    July 10, 2019 at 8:02 pm

    Poor Metro. He seems like he was a nice, reputable guy. His family, at least his brother Vinnie sounds nice. Does he realize how low he has gone hooked up with this KC gal? Just look at the friend she got to defend her. Her husband is a teacher! Doesn’t she care about her reputation, which by default becomes Metro’s reputation? I wouldn’t want my kids to have him as a teacher when they can look up all these videos online! He should go for an annulment. He can get that deed reversed. Even if she gets the house in the divorce, she’ll never keep it up or be able to pay taxes on it. Such a shame that Metro is going through this.

  • WeRFucked
    July 10, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    Nacho… Mark has something for you in his will.

    Too bad you’ll never see it because… yup… you’re probably going first.

  • Klancy
    July 10, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    Can we send her presents? She could use a new shovel she’s digging herself deeper!

  • Gash Basher
    July 10, 2019 at 7:25 pm

    Getting winded from talking is a classic fat guy move

  • The Name Game
    July 10, 2019 at 7:15 pm

    Hey, Hangry Crotcho, can you tell we’re mocking you? So, let me get this straight: you’re threatening to go to Unc’s house? What ya gonna do? Sounds like a chargeable offense to me. Unless your plaque-laden ticker seizes up before you reach the top step.
    You’re A friend of FAILURE KC HILL SWIFT? With friends like that, who needs enemies?
    “They’re faking information and eluding as if Metro is betraying his wife.” The only thing they’re eluding is you. Who’d want to cross paths with the likes of you?
    “I tell ya, she was dumb, really dumb.”
    “She was so dumb, she really thought Bristol was seriously flirting with her hubby, instead of SUCCESSFULLY getting her goat!”

  • z
    July 10, 2019 at 7:12 pm


  • Mom's Basement
    July 10, 2019 at 7:01 pm

    Failure Swift’s kids are gonna be calling Nacho dad.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Old Tom Morris
    July 10, 2019 at 6:44 pm

    I thought Don Vito died.
    He should have wiped the jizz off his laptop camera before he made his threatening video.
    Mark Wahlberg almost killed a Vietnamese man, blinding him in one eye in an unprovoked attack and was charged with attempted murder. People forget that.

  • Crisco Sandwich
    July 10, 2019 at 6:35 pm

    Wahlberg is a 16 yo high school jock making the fat kid dance for fake acceptance, Wahlberg is a punk.

    Not to worry this fat slobs hoveround scooter can’t drive past the stairs.

    • z
      July 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

      Not sure about Fat Bastard. I’m leaning more toward Mr. Creosote – Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life

      • Big Wick
        July 10, 2019 at 7:18 pm

        “Just one, teeny, tiny after-dinner mint?.

        • Fred Knessl
          July 10, 2019 at 9:12 pm

          “Eet’s Wafffer Thin”…

          • z
            July 10, 2019 at 9:24 pm

            Yup. One of the most vile, disgusting funny bits every made.

        • dowen0895
          Dick Scratcher
          July 11, 2019 at 6:24 am

          Bon appetit!!


      • Dr Girlfriend
        July 12, 2019 at 1:11 pm

        That was my first thought as well. Anything with Mike Meyers has nothing on Monty Python in my humble opinion.

    • Mahky BallBsg Is Wicked Smart
      July 10, 2019 at 8:41 pm

      Mark is a high school drop out who received an honorary GED degree.

  • Crystal Laviolette
    Failure's Rodeo
    July 10, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    Ooooooo! C’mon Nach, go on the Live Show!!!! Pretty pretty please! Bring the ole Met with ya too! Show of a dang lifetime!
    I’m rubbing my hands together in Glee just thinkin’ bout this!

  • They're Ruff
    July 10, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      Old Tom Morris
      July 10, 2019 at 6:52 pm

      That video is almost as gay as David Bowie and Mick Jagger’s Dancing in the Street.

      • Y
        July 10, 2019 at 7:25 pm

        People are saying Mick Jagger, Keith Moon, Eminem, Alec Baldwin, etc. are all tied to Jeff Epstein…
        Everyone knows Slick Willie (Bill Clinton) was on Epstein’s Lolita Express (pedo plane); confirmed 26 times thru flight logs.
        Buckle up, this is going to get fun!
        Pedos in music, Hollywood and politics will all be exposed!

        • murdochpatsymcreynolds
          Old Tom Morris
          July 10, 2019 at 7:51 pm

          I’m surprised the Clintons never had him whacked.

        • Zero Hedge
          July 10, 2019 at 8:00 pm

          I’m starting to read that he may have been an asset to the intelligence community. Basically a dirt peddler whenever they needed to blackmail someone. This is why he got the sweetheart deal and none of the details were ever made public.

          • Y
            July 10, 2019 at 8:50 pm

            I’ve been hearing that, too. C_A and M_ssad. But, he’s sh_t out of luck now because he doesn’t have Bush, Clinton or Obama in office to keep him safe.
            The MSM is desperately trying to tie Epstein to Trump, but Trump kicked him out of Mar-A-Lago as soon as he learned Epstein was a creep.
            Flight logs don’t lie. Trump, allegedly, never flew to Little St James island.

          • Y
            July 10, 2019 at 8:58 pm

            Even Google is trying to push the Trump / Epstein association. If you Google Epstein Clinton photos, it used to show pics of Bill in a pool at Little St James island, but now you only see pics of Epstein and Trump.
            The Clinton Kill Foundation is working overtime, but it’s too late; the cat is out of the bag.

          • Zero Hedge
            July 10, 2019 at 9:14 pm

            Just did it. Holy shit! Epstein’s Wikipedia page has also been stealth edited.

          • Wanna a cigar
            July 10, 2019 at 11:28 pm

            Don’t include Bushs name in this mess…..GWB had his suits a president but let’s not put him on the moral level of a Clinton of Obama

          • Y
            July 11, 2019 at 12:33 am

            Cigar, I was also a GW fan, but after everything unfolding, there’s no denying GHW was deep state.

          • Clarence Woods Emerson
            You’re mom
            July 11, 2019 at 2:57 am

            That’s some shit…reading it where? Some fuckin lunatic Facebook page ??

        • First Time Caller
          July 11, 2019 at 6:05 am

          Keith Moon died in 1978. You mean Keith Richards, shriveled Mick’s toxic twin?

          • Y
            July 11, 2019 at 6:30 pm

            You’re right; my bad. I meant Robert Waters. I hope Keith Moon isn’t a sick f_ck like the rest.

          • Christopher Lettiere
            July 12, 2019 at 10:00 am

            Damn…Roger, not Robert.

  • whatevuh
    July 10, 2019 at 6:19 pm

    He’s one of those loud mouths at the bar that won’t shut up, attention whore. Even a girl could hit him 3 times before he got his fat ass off the bar stool.

  • Turdchomper
    July 10, 2019 at 6:13 pm

    This fat fuck has been can’t even speak English due to fat or alcohol issues, or both. Very sad.

    • Dr. Feelupskirts
      July 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm

      I thought in the video he was trying to soldier through a cerebral hemorrhage. Or early onset Alzheimer’s.

  • Marky Mark
    July 10, 2019 at 5:57 pm

    Turtleboy should do an article about Marky Mark beating up immigrants, black kids, and yelling “Ni**ers!!” at buses full of school children in Dorchester back in the day…. I still don’t get why that clown get a pass in the industry seeing he is a known racist.

    • Y
      July 10, 2019 at 6:39 pm

      Sparky Marky maimed a Vietnamese guy, and he, unsuccessfully, tried to get his record expunged.
      Tough guy had to beat-on/rob poor, little immigrants.
      Good vibrations…

    • Moolies
      July 10, 2019 at 6:40 pm

      So Marky Mark isn’t all bad he willing to call a spade a spade.

    • 6 Pack and Basball Bat At The Hemmy
      July 10, 2019 at 8:46 pm

      Hollywood insiders say he is as saintly as a defrocked priest.

      • Brian Sullivan
        Rooney Eats It
        July 11, 2019 at 1:20 pm

        and they quickly voted to have him frocked again!!

  • randiguy2006
    What letter is TB?
    July 10, 2019 at 5:56 pm

    “D List Celebrity Threatens F List Celebrity”

  • Y
    July 10, 2019 at 5:52 pm

    Comments section on YouTube say this fat f_ck is banned from all Walburg properties. Haha. Notice he didn’t mention their name?
    This guy sweats bacon fat and hasn’t seen his sausage link since 1985.

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