Darryl Hines And His Merry Band Of Costumed Idiots Handcuff A Lowell Woman, Taze Her Boyfriend, Go Full Ratchet In Facebook Messages, Still Are Not Real Cops

Yesterday we posted a blog about the “Massachusetts Constable’s Office”, a private organization of police academy rejects run by a former tax accountant with a serious absent father complex. The average citizen probably wouldn’t be able to discern it from the initial appearance of their website, but I assure you – they are not cops. They’re posers on a power trip with no personal insight into their own tragic professional limitations.

My son likes to dress up like a cop, too. His costume isn’t as nice.

Let me make it perfectly clear – there are plenty of professional and competent constables out there. I work with them on a semi-regular basis. They show up, serve papers, and exit quietly. Because that is their job, and they do it well. Not these fucking clownshoes, though. Oh, no. Darryl Hines is such a whacked out shitclit that he is actually on record insisting he has MORE authority than a police officer, because police officers can’t serve civil process and writs. That’s what we’re dealing with here. Total pond scum. They even have a tentative “constables academy”, where you can….well, look for yourself.

Holy fuck, a tentative class run by a bunch of delusional twatwaffles. Send all your money now. No refunds. Or, I can save you the $1,550.00 right now. Welcome to Bristol’s Constable Academy.

Step 1 – Serve the papers to the appropriate party.

Step 2 – Say “You’ve been served”

Step 3 – Exit stage left without making an asshole of yourself.

End class. That was pretty easy. I don’t mean to trivialize the job, because I’m aware that a fair amount of knowledge in civil law, good record keeping, and the right demeanor makes for a great constable, and that is a Godsend when you have a stubborn tenant who just doesn’t want to get gone. But these guys think they’re living in a fucking Chris Tucker/Jackie Chan reboot. The delusion is mind-blowing. Just check out this exchange I had with their Facebook page after I left a comment questioning why they have blue lights on their toy “cruisers” and use them to direct traffic out-of-state in New Hampshire:

And yeah, they actually refer to them as “cruisers”, like the yeasty douchenozzles they are.

Cruisers, you say? What color are the plates on those cars, again? Are they blue Mass Police plate?  Oh, that’s right. Not blue. Because they’re not police cars, and they’re not driven by police officers. You can throw all the strobe lights you want onto a retired interceptor you bought at auction –

– But it won’t make you a cop. It makes you a pathetic hack with a light show on a real cop’s discarded hand-me-down. Calm down, Fast and Furious – rest assured that I certainly will not step out of my vehicle if you pull up behind me with those things on. I’ll be calling the real cops. Who the fuck is signing off on the permit for those lights?

The conversation then devolved to full ratchet status pretty quickly.


You NEVER go full ratchet, boys. That’s really all I need to know. 10/10 if you go “free muh boi, dindonuffin”, you are a in fact a criminal. The exact opposite of the role we’re trying to play here as fun happy pretend rent-a-cops. Listen, Chief-Constable of nothing, I’m sorry if pointing out that the authority you’re trying to assert here went extinct in 1892 and means dick all now outside of a stupid technicality. I understand it hurts your feelings, because you’ve probably been a loser your whole life. I’m further sorry if I hurt the feelings of any volunteer firemen, civilian search and rescue, HAM radio operators, circus clowns, mall cops, tow truck drivers, Juggalos, stolen valor fake army service vets, Red cross donors, neighborhood watch members, or any other member of any other quasi-public privately owned safety co-op agency. But the truth hurts. You aren’t providing a brave and valiant service, you delusions of being “back-up” for the real cops are dangerous and irresponsible, and you look ridiculous. Seriously. Just look at you.


It’s not detective work, you crusty dingleberries. You’re not detectives. You’re not police, and no, you’re not “all in this together.” You’re independent contractors who run errands for the court. Here are your brothers in white.


Nope, wait a minute. They’re employed by the Commonwealth and get patches. No relation.

I mean…. really. They’re posing next to their fake police cars wearing badges and decked out, “fully marked” t-shirts while picking up garbage, for fucks sake.

Who doesn’t put on a badge while taking out the trash? Goddamn raccoons and skunks need to respect that authoritah!

Fucking wannabes. Holy shit. You idiots even refer to the task of serving papers to hardened, dangerous criminals like little old ladies who don’t pay off their credits cards as “working the beat.”

Fuck outta here. The closest you get to a “beat” is what you do to your sad little meat while sobbing and watching Miami Vice reruns. You’re so emasculated at this point you need to be retrofitted with a plastic vagina sleeve where your pathetic 3″ of fury used to be.

And don’t pull that “The Police chief is our biggest fan” bullshit ever again. We both know he laughs about you behind your back, just like everyone else. Well, everyone except for that single mom and her kids in Dorchester you terrorized when your ace detective work brought you to the completely wrong address. Oh, and the two random Lowell ratchets you roughed up, too.

Yeah, they’re not laughing either, nor is the Police Commissioner. Nowhere in the job description does it say Constables should be interfering with criminal warrants and tasing suspects all willy-nilly. But tell me again how the Chief of Police in Methuen is your BFF? I bet he really respects all that crack police work you do, putting your lives on the line to pick up garbage and install infant car seats.

You fucking assclowns. You’re an embarrassment to sane constables and process servers everywhere. Stolen valor is illegal, and I can’t wrap my head around why this isn’t, too. One more time for the people in the back – these idiots are NOT cops. They’re NOT trained, they have NO oversight, and they’re professionally inept. You know when the last time a police officer said, “Hold off on backup, guys, slow it down. I’m good. I have a couple of constables with me.” Do you?

Not since 1940 and the invention of radioed cars, you neverwas, never-will-be abject failures. That’s when. I’m not a cop, but as a reasonably logical human being with a discernible pulse I can tell you, tagging along behind the real police trying to ride their coattails and play “backup” does nothing but cause headaches and safety issues. You’re helping no one, and you’re no heroes. Just a pain in the ass to the real professionals trying to do their job, not get shot, and go home without incident. Refer to the above video – that qualifies as “incident”. Stop it.

Your game of cops n’ robbers is completely out-of-line, an insult to actual law enforcement officers and all the rigorous training, government oversight, and daily actual risk to their lives involved. It’s a public safety hazard, and it’s out of hand. I think I may have an excise tax outstanding – look me up and come arrest me, you fucks. I’ll happily call the real police and spend the night in jail just to see the looks on all your stupid faces when you realize I won’t submit to some tax account reject in a children’s Halloween costume and the authority he borrows from 1902. Fuck you. And do yourself a favor – clean up your operation, and quick. Because your days are numbered, and the Turtle will get you. I’m already eyeing a nice plot in the Turtleboy graveyard for you. Thank you for your “service”. Either stick to serving divorce papers and summons, or start serving fries at Wendy’s. Police work is for police.




55 Comment(s)
  • TinyOrangePenis
    September 8, 2019 at 2:53 am

    A Cartman reference? Your irrelevance is showing.

  • Down by the River
    August 10, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    These fools are raiding private property and manhandling people for free. There are a million reasons to get sued as a cop and two of the top ones are raiding someone’s house and using force. The idiots are playing with fire. Their next line of work will be panhandling and living in a decrepit Crown Vic down by the river.

  • Chapter 90/9D
    August 10, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    His Constable car has windows that are illegal. He shouldn’t pass inspection or if he gets pulled over it’s a $25000 fine per window If he doesn’t remove the tint they also revoke his registration
    He is a fucking clown. Watch his response on his business Facebook page He’s clearly deranged

    • 90/9D
      August 10, 2019 at 9:00 pm

      $250.00 per window
      Sorry for the typo

  • Chapter 90/9D
    August 10, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    His Constable car has windows that are illegal. He shouldn’t pass inspection or if he gets pulled over it’s a $25000 fine per window If he doesn’t remove the tint they also revoke his registration
    He is a fucking clown. Watch his response on his business Facebook page He’s clearly deranged

  • Clarence Woods Emerson
    Bristol Turtle Chicks hawt momma
    August 10, 2019 at 9:04 am

    Wow these guys are like the fucking retards who cite the articles of confederation when they get pulled over. Using outdated bullshit laws that don’t apply.

  • P Disguisee
    August 10, 2019 at 5:09 am

    Wow Bristol Turtle chick got it going on…..damn u a hot little thing

  • Mr. Bubba
    August 10, 2019 at 2:22 am

    Fucking Whackers!

  • FOAD
    August 9, 2019 at 9:12 pm

    C’mon, Durrrrryl Hiney Hines, whatta ya gotta say for yourself? Oops? Or just say, hey, we apprehended him so what’s the prob? What do you actually DO with them you have “custody?” Where do you get the document (warrant) that “authorizes” you to do this? You and your playmates are dabbling in a dangerous game. Just. Fuck. Off.

  • BusterWalls
    August 9, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    Shitclit! Ahahaha. Fucking priceless. But really…Bristol, wanna go halfsies on a bastard?

  • Boston Constable
    August 9, 2019 at 3:42 pm

    “Hines wants to eventually get paid for the arrests his officers are making, hoping the work he’s doing now will convince communities of the benefit.” – Hines is doing criminal warrant arrest for NOTHING making him and his crew the only Constables in the State working for free.

  • Daniel Sullivan
    Sprinkle Pig
    August 9, 2019 at 2:24 pm

    I am a constable I do it part time to make some extra cash. I have a full time job. Let me tell you these fucking idiots are going to get themselves or worse someone else killed. Constables is a very very old profession that dates back further than police which means there are still very old laws on the books that gives us some very strange powers and this idiot is abusing them. This asshole is going to make us all look bad. Knock Knock are you Mr. or Mrs So and So? Yes I am. Ok sir or ma’am you been served. Have a nice day. Done that’s it. Fuck this asshole!

    • LEO
      August 9, 2019 at 2:42 pm

      Process Servers are liable for there own behavior, If they go pushing the envelope on the wrong person they will end up getting shot or sued. The swat team behavior needs to end before something bad happens.

  • no name
    August 9, 2019 at 2:02 pm

    I wonder if the registry of motor vehicles has issued them blue light permits for their personal vehicles I was associated with the department and had blue lights on my personal motorcycle because it was also used the law enforcement function but I had to have a registry of motor vehicles permit for the vehicle

  • Massholio
    August 9, 2019 at 11:07 am

    Most services I’m familiar with involve throwing the summonses on a fucking snow bank to be plowed away an hour later.

  • Blueguy
    August 9, 2019 at 11:01 am

    This is a lot like the fat losers in the midwest that like to strap on Tacti-cool gear and play army and call themselves a militia. It’s all fun & games until someone gets hurt (by a confused idiot thinking they’re the real thing).

    Real cops should be concerned about these clowns because dorks in used police cars with light bars diminish their authority and make me want to carry a gun with me.

    Cool sunglasses? check
    Tats? check
    Uniform? check


    • z
      August 9, 2019 at 11:37 am

      You mean I won’t be special forces if I wear these?

  • Peter Dautel
    Don Key Punch
    August 9, 2019 at 10:45 am

    Rock the fuck on Bristol! Wow, my ears are blistered from just reading your post, and I can only imagine how de-basing that must be for the wannabe’s!

    Go girl!

  • Ty Lookwell, aka Bannigan
    August 9, 2019 at 10:29 am

    I say they’re real cops.

  • Cheddah
    August 9, 2019 at 10:17 am

    I really believe that there has to be more media coverage NATIONWIDE for the overall JOB DESCRIPTION and ACTUAL TRUE AUTHORITY (if any) that Constables posses.
    For a couple decades now I’ve heard from a good number of dumb people that Constables hold a lot of power when it comes to Law Enforcement, yet these idiots were never quite able to reasonably explain everything.. With that said that false rumored reputation is gives life for these clowns to go around thinking and acting like they’re Walker Texas Ranger or Alonzo from Training Day!
    Huge public safety risk, especially for the REAL COPS!
    I’m glad this story was featured as it did answer my question(s) pertaining to this occupation title. The WHOLE NATION needs to be more informed on this as well as I personally view this Occupation Title completely exaggerated when it comes to law enforcement powers…

  • Outside ur window
    August 9, 2019 at 10:16 am

    Are these yahoo’s volunteers?? If not, how are they getting paid??

    • Fuckin jokes
      August 9, 2019 at 10:57 pm

      They get paid by the court or whoever hires them to deliver the paperwork. They said themselves they’re not paid to make arrests…they just want to feel big bad and important. Lmao

    August 9, 2019 at 10:08 am

    Vigilantes nothing more. Now go get me a coffee & donut with your cracker jack badge….

      August 9, 2019 at 10:10 am

      Learn to pronounce
      plural noun: vigilantes
      a member of a self-appointed group of citizens who undertake law enforcement in their community without legal authority, typically because the legal agencies are thought to be inadequate.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Old Tom Morris
    August 9, 2019 at 9:58 am

    I love those guys. I love when they tased that fugitive! 1 less scum on the street. Like the guy said somebody has to do it. Cops are to lazy.

    • Blue
      August 9, 2019 at 8:12 pm

      And what’s your profession Tom?

  • Molly
    August 9, 2019 at 8:55 am

    So preferred to yoga practice. There are different kinds of yoga which people can do. People can improve their healthy with yoga. They can select good food with regular yoga practice.

  • Stunt Penis
    August 9, 2019 at 8:47 am

    Google Commonwealth Police Service in Assonet. They have a real constable training class taught by an attorney. They do a large number of police training classes across the commonwealth. Many departments use them for in-house training classes.

  • MrSmiley
    August 9, 2019 at 8:08 am

    I love the “walking a beat” picture. Realllllyy guyyy now constables patrol random towns? Oh this shit never gets old.

    • American girl
      August 10, 2019 at 11:35 am

      I noticed that too. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was wondering who the guy on the phone was talking to. The KGB? The FBI? The feds? The Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms? Chuck Norris?

  • BBB
    August 9, 2019 at 7:55 am

    This guy operates in the gray area of two different professions. Guess what most tax preparers know nothing about? That would be accounting. Tax preparers fill out forms. That’s it. CPAs are highly credentialed experts but a lot of tax preparers run successful practices knowing that most people don’t know the difference.

  • name
    August 9, 2019 at 7:50 am

    Volunteer firefighters make up the majority of the nation’s fire service that you obviously take for granted

    • z
      August 9, 2019 at 9:33 am

      Yeah, I don’t get that one. You live in Palookaville. Nobody is going to save you expect yourselves. Palookaville can’t afford full time firemen so they do it themselves. That makes them bad people.

      I don’t get the hard-on for Red cross donors either.

      HAM radio operators? Really? With the advent of cell phones and towers everywhere their hobby isn’t what it used to be. If there’s a massive area without power I’d say their equipment and skills would be welcomed.

      I don’t understand the lashing out. It’s troubling.

      I guess the Civil Air Patrol is also on the shit list. 61,000 losers belong to it.

      • August 9, 2019 at 9:53 am

        It was a joke, and apparently, a bad one.

        • murdochpatsymcreynolds
          Old Tom Morris
          August 9, 2019 at 10:08 am

          Love the avatar Bristol. You got the Bull’s flat brim, the Newports and the bottle of Henny. The only thing missing is the titoo! Or is it? Hmmmm.

          • Bristol Turtlechick
            August 9, 2019 at 10:25 am

            Sadly, no tittoo. Its the only thing holding me back from ratchet supremacy. Maybe some day. But probably not.

          • JimmyBooms
            August 9, 2019 at 11:04 am

            Getting a Tittoo of a Flat Brimmed Chicago Bulls hat is the Pinnacle of Female Ratchetness. That and smok in ng a Newport Lite with your vaginal and blowing circles

          • American girl
            August 10, 2019 at 11:31 am

            She is also missing some kind of animal nose filter. Her nose is bare. Unacceptable.

    • Kim Wescott
      August 10, 2019 at 12:34 pm

      Thank goodness for our volunteer firefighters.

      Keep in mind, they are heavily trained.

  • Colin Kaepernick
    August 9, 2019 at 7:14 am

    Thank you for shedding light on this, and for your generous donation to the Kaepernick Foundation.

  • Gtfo
    August 9, 2019 at 7:11 am

    It’s all good until someone gets hurt or killed and the news jumps on it. Game over. OR a good attorney gets some asshole off a serious charge when these idiots show up and bungle the arrest. Wonder who insures these guys? I can’t imagine a standard business liability umbrella would work for this. It’s only a matter of time until they are legislated or sued out of existence.

  • z
    August 9, 2019 at 6:58 am

    Love the photo of the Ford Crown Vics. You can’t be a real cop unless you drive a Crown Vic.

    They do have an intimidation factor though. Because for maybe the last 10 years of their existence they were almost purely fleet sale cars. Cops would take 2 tones and/or dark colors, government agencies would take white, cab companies yellow. It gets ingrained in the public’s mind that a dark Crown Vic is a cop car with a cop inside.

    They haven’t made Crown Vics since 2012.

    My sister in the 90s bought a slightly used Chevy Suburban, all black, running boards, tinted windows to the legal limit and a phone antenna. Looked like something from a presidential motorcade. It was owned by a funeral director friend of hers as a body pick up/delivery vehicle. The only blemish in the interior were holes in the carpet where the rollers were that are used for loading or unloading a casket. I drove it a couple of times.

    It was like the parting of the Red Sea on the highway. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a radar trap would have ignored it, if it was traveling 90.

  • foleyworld
    Dorchester Police
    August 9, 2019 at 6:01 am

    The guy keeps referring to “The City of Dorchester” as if it were an actual municipality that has given him some kind of authority when in reality there is NO “City of Dorchester, Mass”

    DORCHESTER is a neighborhood within the City of Boston. It is not it’s own municipality, there are no Dorchester police or Dorchester Fire Department. Dorchester is Boston. Somebody whose pretending to be a cop should be fully aware of this fact and how city’s, towns and districts are set up in this State.

    • hartf811
      August 9, 2019 at 8:58 am

      Dorchester is a suburb of Santo Domingo or Monrovia not a neighborhood within Boston. They look the same.

      • foleyworld
        August 10, 2019 at 6:19 am

        FU, you probably wrote that description of Dorchester from a safe 100 miles away in Leominster or some place like that. But if you ever actually had the balls to visit Dorchester you’d discover that while many areas of Boston’s largest district do resemble Mogadishu, there are also many traditionally blue collar, Irish neighborhoods and the center of Boston’s small Polish community. There are affluent , Lilly white suburban feeling areas in the Neponset area of Dorchester and a growing student presence from Umass Boston. Things you never learn when you’re afraid to leave the farm.

        • Nee Chi
          August 10, 2019 at 12:57 pm

          Stop lying. Dotchestah just missed the gentrification train. The parishes have collapsed, and it’s getting more and more like Mogadishu every day.

  • Jeff J
    August 9, 2019 at 4:58 am

    I thought TB was to expose assholes doing assholie things? They’re definite wannabes with some mistakes but it seems like they’re at least trying to do good things. It’s not like they’re selling drugs, leaving dogs in hot cars or, god forbid, trying to purchase a cheap air conditioner or perhaps (gasp) get one for free.

    • Julie the Jarhead
      August 9, 2019 at 5:23 am

      I don’t know … I can’t think of anything more assholie than impersonating an LEO and terrorizing a woman and her children in their home.

      This is the best series of articles TB has ever done.

      (I can’t wait for my personalized limerick from Dick Scratcher!)

      • hartf811
        August 9, 2019 at 9:01 am

        Julie, IDK. MSP have been impersonating honest hardworking cops for generations.

      • dowen0895
        Dick Scratcher
        August 9, 2019 at 11:07 am

        It’s a “work in progress”, JTJ.

        I know they flow like molten lava across a perfectly smooth glacier but that requires hard work and dedication to the craft of rude poetry.

        Your time will come, lovely girl. 🙂

  • Ray Patriarca
    Old Gumshoe
    August 9, 2019 at 4:43 am

    The “I think it’s for-real club”.
    As a retired 30 year LEO from a municipal department, I find this frightening.
    These boys are gonna get hurt.
    Or hurt someone.
    Law enforcement isn’t a game to be played.

    • Bristol Turtlechick
      August 9, 2019 at 5:58 am

      I’m really failing to see the legality in what they’re doing here. Jurisdiction issues alone, let alone the gross overstepping of the expected duties of a constable, the ranks in their sham organization, the identifying themselves as police…..

  • ncfoothillbilly
    August 9, 2019 at 2:57 am

    Wasnt it Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan?

    • Jeff J
      Watchu Talkin Bout?
      August 9, 2019 at 4:46 am

      I’m not sure wtf you read but that’s what she said.

      • hartf811
        Dont knock
        August 9, 2019 at 9:03 am

        Honest mistake. They all look alike.

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