A look at the Massachusetts Constable’s Office website, with it’s official-looking logo and tagline would lead you to believe you are dealing with a legitimate, state-funded and sanctioned law enforcement agency.
Their Facebook page also echoes the tone of an official agency, with its “Most wanted list” and posts bragging about the work of their “Warrant Apprehension Unit.”
But they are absolutelyfucking not a legitimate government agency at all. “Massachusetts Constable’s Office” is a private company, incorporated by professional douchewhistle and wannabe, Darryl Hines.
This is why you dads have to stick around for your sons, man. Just look at this pathetic halfwit. This uniform wasn’t issued to him – he actually went out and bought it for himself, and not even as an actual job requirement.
As soon as Darryl gets up the courage, he’s gonna put on his completely unofficial uniform and use his total authority-devoid badge and taser to arrest that asshole Steve for all those years of banging his mom and calling him a pussy. Just you wait!
Constables are not police officers. According to the Massachusetts Constables Association, a non-profit organization of elected and appointed Constables that promotes and protects the integrity and welfare of Constables, the role of a constable is to:
provide professional legal support services to the legal community. These services include process serving, court filing, subpoena preparation, court record searches, and private investigations.
Naturally, Darryl and his crew of neverwas police force rejects’ self importance and liberal interpretation of outdated Mass General laws giving constables way more authority than their inadequate training should allow has caused some mishaps you’d expect to see in a slapstick comedy. Take for instance this incident reported by WCVB 5, when the merry band of imbeciles scared the shit out of a Dorchester mother and her three children in the middle of the night:
“It was just after 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night in May when the pounding on the door woke up Serena Heard and her three children.
“I just heard shouting and banging,” Heard said. “I was shaking, very nervous. Scared to death.”
Outside were men that looked to Heard like law enforcement officers. They had guns and badges and lettering on their bulletproof vests. But they weren’t Boston police, they were constables, so Heard didn’t let them in.
“I didn’t know what they wanted, why they were at my door. I saw handguns on their sides,” she said.
Heard had no idea why they were there, but learned later they were not at her house on a civil matter — the usual business of constables. They were looking to make a criminal arrest, a sex offender with a warrant for a registration offense.
Heard’s daughter, Najja, was in the apartment.
“It made me feel scared and nervous. I didn’t know what would happen,” she said. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to get hurt.” “
So that’s what happened to the geeky hall monitor who made himself a paper badge and threatened to citizen’s arrest me for going to the bathroom without a hall pass in the 8th grade when he grew up – he didn’t. Good to know. Who’s the pussy now, Steve?
This is pretty fucking ridiculous. An 8 week vocational training course through DTA and a pair of scrubs doesn’t make you a nurse, ok? In the same vein, purchasing some high-quality police costumes and flashlights off of Amazon, strapping a handgun to your hip and banging on windows in Dorchester at 11pm doesn’t make you a cop. It makes you a douchebag poorly imitating a cop, and it makes your dad so grateful that he pulled a pump-and-dump on your mom instead of sticking around to have to take responsibility for how you turned out.
“Just scared the kid that was peeking out the window,”
“Did you flashlight ’em?”
“It’s Dorchester. They know better,”
“Everyone’s wanted in Dorchester.”
Wrong, you fuckwit. They know better to let a bunch of Constables with guns and flashlights in to their home for absolutely no fucking valid reason whatsoever, because you are NOT COPS. Take your stupid make-believe games back online and play some Call of Duty or something, Officer Dipshit. You are providing a service to literally no one except for your own ego.
Don’t tell this buttnut that, though.
“5 Investigates sat down with Darryl Hines, founder of the Massachusetts Constables’ Office.
He said they had gone to the house based on a lead.
“It’s the wrong address. Now we know,” he said.
“A woman says her family was terrorized by your constables when they went to the wrong house,” 5 Investigates’ Karen Anderson asked him.
Hines apologized if the children were scared, but said the situation could have been avoided if someone had come to the window and talked to them.
“It would have been a whole different situation,” he said.
But he admitted some of the comments his constables made weren’t appropriate.
He said he was sorry the child in the window was scared by the constable with the flashlight.
“That is not something that we should be saying,” he said: “That is an insensitive statement. That is not something that we should be saying.”
But he said his constables are capable of these operations because he said they have extensive training.”
No, idiot. Just no. The “situation” could have been avoided if were actual qualified and trained law enforcement officers. You’re not, so you fucked this one up, just like every other pathetic endeavor in your shitty life. Who the fuck is giving “leads” to a glorified process server, anyway? This should be criminal. Because according to a real-life, trained, professional law enforcement office, the “extensive training” is bullshit.
“Norwood Police Chief William Brooks, a national policing expert, watched the video and found plenty to criticize.
“It is a matter of time before one of these goes sideways,” he said.
He watched how the constables operated and said police would normally be acting very differently executing this kind of warrant.
“Most of our arrests are done very low profile and a very calm and controlled manner,” he said. “And we do it that way because we’re trained to do it that way.”
He added: “To have a large group of people will go out in the middle of the nights, surround a house and start banging on windows is crazy. You would not see a law enforcement agency in Massachusetts behave that way.” “
Small correction, loser – that’s their *professional* opinion. As in, the word of a real cop v. the word of a costumed lunatic. This isn’t even the first time this wannabe Hawaii Five-O’s cops and robbers games have gotten him in trouble, either.
According to Salem News, in 2017:
” Police officers are required to take an exam and attend a police academy in nearly every community in Massachusetts. Some cities and towns also conduct intensive background checks and psychological evaluations of candidates.
But Hines, whose background was in financial services and tax preparation, did none of those things.
Instead, he set up a business in downtown Salem, calling it “Boston Federal Constables.” The name was later changed to Massachusetts Constable’s Office.
In order to become “a law enforcement officer,” as he calls himself, two years ago, Hines simply bought uniforms and badges and several Ford Crown Victoria sedans, the same type used as police cruisers. He had two of them painted with his own shield-shaped logo and stripes similar to a police car, and installed blue lights on them.
He hired several men as constables to work underneath him. Among them were a current Peabody police officer, Richard Heath, and Max Bressi of Burlington, who was 19 at the time.
Hines did later enroll in a constable training program, but left before completing it, he acknowledged Tuesday.
Then, Hines tried to buy Glock pistols, a type of handgun legally used only by law enforcement officers.
After being turned down by Massachusetts and New Hampshire dealers, Hines wrote to a Vermont dealer, and was able to order five Glocks, which were shipped to his Derby Square office.
His request was on the the letterhead of his business and he indicated that the high-capacity Glocks would be for “official duty.” He kept one for himself and gave three others to his constables — including the then-19-year-old Bressi. The fifth gun was kept in his office.
But state law prevents anyone under the age of 21 from being issued a license to carry a pistol.
And Hines never registered the guns with the state, as required. Investigators believe that was because he knew that he wasn’t legally authorized to have those guns.
As a result, Salem and Massachusetts state police questioned him in April, 2016, confiscated the guns and filed charges.
Hines’ defense: Bressi was a “law enforcement officer” who was only supposed to use the gun while on duty. He printed up a homemade “identification card” that cited Hines’ own interpretation of two state statutes, one of them dealing only with driving offenses and the other with long guns like rifles, to give to Bressi.
And, he testified, he did not believe he had to register the guns with the Department of Public Safety because their sale was already reported by the Vermont dealer to the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. “
Tax preparation. Huh. I didn’t know H&R Block ran a police academy.
What a fucking loser. How he was found not guilty is beyond me. When did rent-a-cops start needing guns? Small claims court must be a jungle these days.
Or there’s that time, also in 2017, when he and his gang of costumed constables with no required training went looking to arrest a wanted felon in an apartment with a baby and a loaded gun, all across the street from a school in Dorchester, and ended up having to call the real adult cops in to actually do the job.
Be more of a pathetic public safety risk, you can’t. I deal with constables all the time in my day job. They generally show up in beat up Ford Tauruses, wearing blue jeans and a wrinkled button-up, drop eviction papers off and then drive off to get a coffee at Dunks. Because that is their job, to serve court paperwork to sad middle aged dudes living in sparsely furnished condominiums. That’s it, and most of them are totally cool and professional about it. Not these jizz wizards, though. Somehow they get away with impersonating police officers all day long, and they shouldn’t. The kind of pathetic, self-important, small-dicked loser you have to be to take that job and expend all the time, money and energy to turn it in to this:
Nice try, losers. But that is not a real police car, those are not real police badges, you are not cops. You’re not even private security. You’re glorified process servers who definitely should not be trusted in public with guns.
That’s all the community wants and needs you to be, because that’s all you’re really qualified to be. The constant bumbling mishaps proves that tenfold. And no amount of weakly impersonating actual cops will ever, ever, EVER change the fact that you always got picked last for gym class. So just, stop it, already. This is not going to make your real dad any less disappointed in you, nor is it going to make him want to finally call you up and take you to a Sox game. Not now, not ever. In fact, right now as we speak, Steve is banging your mom and laughing about how you all are spending your time playing cops and robbers as grown men. So just stop it already.