All-Star Criminals

Rent-A-Cop Rejects Scare The Shit Out Of Innocent Dorchester Family While Playing Cops n’ Robbers; Presumably Never Once Made Any Of Their Fathers Proud

A look at the Massachusetts Constable’s Office website, with it’s official-looking logo and tagline would lead you to believe you are dealing with a legitimate, state-funded and sanctioned law enforcement agency.


Their Facebook page also echoes the tone of an official agency, with its “Most wanted list” and posts bragging about the work of their “Warrant Apprehension Unit.”


But they are absolutelyfucking not a legitimate government agency at all. “Massachusetts Constable’s Office” is a private company, incorporated by professional douchewhistle and wannabe, Darryl Hines.



I don’t even know why we’re taking this picture – Steve is NOT my real dad.


This is why you dads have to stick around for your sons, man. Just look at this pathetic halfwit. This uniform wasn’t issued to him – he actually went out and bought it for himself, and not even as an actual job requirement. 


As soon as Darryl gets up the courage, he’s gonna put on his completely unofficial uniform and use his total authority-devoid badge and taser to arrest that asshole Steve for all those years of banging his mom and calling him a pussy. Just you wait!

Constables are not police officers. According to the Massachusetts Constables Association, a non-profit organization of elected and appointed Constables that promotes and protects the integrity and welfare of Constables, the role of a constable is to:

provide professional legal support services to the legal community. These services include process serving, court filing, subpoena preparation, court record searches, and private investigations.


Naturally, Darryl and his crew of neverwas police force rejects’ self importance and liberal interpretation of outdated Mass General laws giving constables way more authority than their inadequate training should allow has caused some mishaps you’d expect to see in a slapstick comedy. Take for instance this incident reported by WCVB 5, when the merry band of imbeciles scared the shit out of a Dorchester mother and her three children in the middle of the night:



“It was just after 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night in May when the pounding on the door woke up Serena Heard and her three children.

“I just heard shouting and banging,” Heard said. “I was shaking, very nervous. Scared to death.”

Outside were men that looked to Heard like law enforcement officers. They had guns and badges and lettering on their bulletproof vests. But they weren’t Boston police, they were constables, so Heard didn’t let them in.

“I didn’t know what they wanted, why they were at my door. I saw handguns on their sides,” she said.

Heard had no idea why they were there, but learned later they were not at her house on a civil matter — the usual business of constables. They were looking to make a criminal arrest, a sex offender with a warrant for a registration offense.

Heard’s daughter, Najja, was in the apartment.

“It made me feel scared and nervous. I didn’t know what would happen,” she said. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to get hurt.” “


So that’s what happened to the geeky hall monitor who made himself a paper badge and threatened to citizen’s arrest me for going to the bathroom without a hall pass in the 8th grade when he grew up – he didn’t. Good to know. Who’s the pussy now, Steve?

This is pretty fucking ridiculous. An 8 week vocational training course through DTA and a pair of scrubs doesn’t make you a nurse, ok? In the same vein, purchasing some high-quality police costumes and flashlights off of Amazon, strapping a handgun to your hip and banging on windows in Dorchester at 11pm doesn’t make you a cop. It makes you a douchebag poorly imitating a cop, and it makes your dad so grateful that he pulled a pump-and-dump on your mom instead of sticking around to have to take responsibility for how you turned out.

“Just scared the kid that was peeking out the window,”

“Did you flashlight ’em?”

“It’s Dorchester. They know better,”

“Everyone’s wanted in Dorchester.” 


Wrong, you fuckwit. They know better to let a bunch of Constables with guns and flashlights in to their home for absolutely no fucking valid reason whatsoever, because you are NOT COPS. Take your stupid make-believe games back online and play some Call of Duty or something, Officer Dipshit. You are providing a service to literally no one except for your own ego.

Don’t tell this buttnut that, though.

“5 Investigates sat down with Darryl Hines, founder of the Massachusetts Constables’ Office.

He said they had gone to the house based on a lead.

“It’s the wrong address. Now we know,” he said.

“A woman says her family was terrorized by your constables when they went to the wrong house,” 5 Investigates’ Karen Anderson asked him.

Hines apologized if the children were scared, but said the situation could have been avoided if someone had come to the window and talked to them.

“It would have been a whole different situation,” he said.

But he admitted some of the comments his constables made weren’t appropriate.

He said he was sorry the child in the window was scared by the constable with the flashlight.

“That is not something that we should be saying,” he said: “That is an insensitive statement. That is not something that we should be saying.”

But he said his constables are capable of these operations because he said they have extensive training.”


No, idiot. Just no. The “situation” could have been avoided if were actual qualified and trained law enforcement officers. You’re not, so you fucked this one up, just like every other pathetic endeavor in your shitty life.  Who the fuck is giving “leads” to a glorified process server, anyway? This should be criminal. Because according to a real-life, trained, professional law enforcement office, the “extensive training” is bullshit.


“Norwood Police Chief William Brooks, a national policing expert, watched the video and found plenty to criticize.

“It is a matter of time before one of these goes sideways,” he said.

He watched how the constables operated and said police would normally be acting very differently executing this kind of warrant.

“Most of our arrests are done very low profile and a very calm and controlled manner,” he said. “And we do it that way because we’re trained to do it that way.”

He added: “To have a large group of people will go out in the middle of the nights, surround a house and start banging on windows is crazy. You would not see a law enforcement agency in Massachusetts behave that way.” “

The entire “operation” was a poorly executed, crazy, unprofessional clusterfuck? You don’t say! Whoops, Columbo over here must’ve missed that class during his “extensive training” watching reruns of Ice-T on Law and Order.
When confronted about what a shitty sham he and his D-Team of untrained dingleberries are, professional dress-up artist and “chief” of nothing Darryl Hines had this to say:

“”Why did you have to do this in the middle of the night?” Anderson asked him.

“Because that’s the best time to get them. Our success rate is at nighttime,” he said.

“But police say if you’re properly trained, they don’t go in the middle of the night to serve this kind of warrant,” Anderson said.

“That’s their opinion,” he replied.

“They say it’s unsafe,” Anderson said.

“That’s their opinion,” he replied.”

Small correction, loser – that’s their *professional* opinion. As in, the word of a real cop v. the word of a costumed lunatic. This isn’t even the first time this wannabe Hawaii Five-O’s cops and robbers games have gotten him in trouble, either.

According to Salem News, in 2017: 

Police officers are required to take an exam and attend a police academy in nearly every community in Massachusetts. Some cities and towns also conduct intensive background checks and psychological evaluations of candidates. 

But Hines, whose background was in financial services and tax preparation, did none of those things. 

Instead, he set up a business in downtown Salem, calling it “Boston Federal Constables.” The name was later changed to Massachusetts Constable’s Office. 


In order to become “a law enforcement officer,” as he calls himself, two years ago, Hines simply bought uniforms and badges and several Ford Crown Victoria sedans, the same type used as police cruisers. He had two of them painted with his own shield-shaped logo and stripes similar to a police car, and installed blue lights on them. 

He hired several men as constables to work underneath him. Among them were a current Peabody police officer, Richard Heath, and Max Bressi of Burlington, who was 19 at the time.

Hines did later enroll in a constable training program, but left before completing it, he acknowledged Tuesday. 

Then, Hines tried to buy Glock pistols, a type of handgun legally used only by law enforcement officers. 

After being turned down by Massachusetts and New Hampshire dealers, Hines wrote to a Vermont dealer, and was able to order five Glocks, which were shipped to his Derby Square office. 

His request was on the the letterhead of his business and he indicated that the high-capacity Glocks would be for “official duty.” He kept one for himself and gave three others to his constables — including the then-19-year-old Bressi.  The fifth gun was kept in his office.

But state law prevents anyone under the age of 21 from being issued a license to carry a pistol. 

And Hines never registered the guns with the state, as required. Investigators believe that was because he knew that he wasn’t legally authorized to have those guns. 

As a result, Salem and Massachusetts state police questioned him in April, 2016, confiscated the guns and filed charges. 

Hines’ defense: Bressi was a “law enforcement officer” who was only supposed to use the gun while on duty. He printed up a homemade “identification card” that cited Hines’ own interpretation of two state statutes, one of them dealing only with driving offenses and the other with long guns like rifles, to give to Bressi. 

And, he testified, he did not believe he had to register the guns with the Department of Public Safety because their sale was already reported by the Vermont dealer to the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. “


Tax preparation. Huh. I didn’t know H&R Block ran a police academy.

Assume the position!….To get your billions back, America!


What a fucking loser. How he was found not guilty is beyond me. When did rent-a-cops start needing guns? Small claims court must be a jungle these days.

Or there’s that time, also in 2017, when he and his gang of costumed constables with no required training went looking to arrest a wanted felon in an apartment with a baby and a loaded gun, all across the street from a school in Dorchester, and ended up having to call the real adult cops in to actually do the job.


Be more of a pathetic public safety risk, you can’t. I deal with constables all the time in my day job. They generally show up in beat up Ford Tauruses, wearing blue jeans and a wrinkled button-up, drop eviction papers off and then drive off to get a coffee at Dunks. Because that is their job, to serve court paperwork to sad middle aged dudes living in sparsely furnished condominiums. That’s it, and most of them are totally cool and professional about it. Not these jizz wizards, though. Somehow they get away with impersonating police officers all day long, and they shouldn’t. The kind of pathetic, self-important, small-dicked loser you have to be to take that job and expend all the time, money and energy to turn it in to this:


Nice try, losers. But that is not a real police car, those are not real police badges, you are not cops. You’re not even private security. You’re glorified process servers who definitely should not be trusted in public with guns.

That’s all the community wants and needs you to be, because that’s all you’re really qualified to be. The constant bumbling mishaps proves that tenfold. And no amount of weakly impersonating actual cops will ever, ever, EVER change the fact that you always got picked last for gym class. So just, stop it, already. This is not going to make your real dad any less disappointed in you, nor is it going to make him want to finally call you up and take you to a Sox game. Not now, not ever. In fact, right now as we speak, Steve is banging your mom and laughing about how you all are spending your time playing cops and robbers as grown men. So just stop it already.

37 Comment(s)
  • Independent Thinker
    August 11, 2019 at 9:42 am

    They are supposed to be process servers, not law enforcement. Frankly I’m surprised they are allowed to exist because they are taking money away from the sheriff’s office. They make a lot of money serving papers and handling evictions. The ones I’ve worked with in Worcester have all been professional.

  • Chet
    August 9, 2019 at 5:49 pm

    I was hoping you guys would cover this story. Huge thank you and outstanding work! From a real cop :).

  • Y
    August 9, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    I went to high school with a constable. He’s still in the closet.

  • Dr Girlfriend
    August 9, 2019 at 2:51 pm

    Dangerous Keystone “cops”. How does this even happen in our abundantly bureaucratic society? Oh wait, no one is actually overseeing shit as it turns out. Surely a day will come when one of these chodes seriously compromises the safety of the general public.
    Side note- Did anyone else notice the daughters name was “Najja”? Is that A Dorchester thing? I wouldn’t know personally as I hail from the western part of this shithole state.

  • Blueguy
    August 9, 2019 at 11:26 am

    Bottom feeders harassing working people. No shit that “this will go sideways” at some point.

    If someone is banging on my windows at night and shining flashlights into my windows, I get my gun.

    • Ex Navy Seal
      August 9, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      ME TOO !
      Just let this stupid twat try anything will me. I will beat the shit out of him, putting him in hospital for months.

      • Silencio Dogood
        August 10, 2019 at 3:12 am

        Will that make him a nurse, a doctor, or a candy striper?

  • Ass Clown
    August 9, 2019 at 6:00 am

    How are these assclowns not in jail for unlicensed possession of firearms? That’s supposed to be a fucking 10 year sentence in this state! Tasers are considered the same as a Glock and require an LTC! This is fucking horseshit!

  • Charles Bronson
    August 9, 2019 at 2:22 am

    I guess Militant Maura Healey outlawed Glocks in Massachusetts because they look scary? One idiot in government made how many law abiding gun owners “criminals” overnight with a decision to ban scary looking guns. The sad state of the commonwealth.

  • Jinn Ralph from Southie
    August 8, 2019 at 9:41 pm

    I smacked the shit out of a constable one night. The fucking retard came up to me and tried to act all cop. I knew he was a jerk off wannabe. He kept his shit up and I kept telling him, if he lost the cap gun I would beat the snot out of his head. He went all hardo and ran back to his car stripped down and came at me like some rambo. Now I aint one to just get in fights, but this was outside of a bar and I just had about a dozen black russians. I also box thoguh, used to be full time, but family responsibilities took precedent. He came at me and threw a wild flailing right. I fucking hit him with a left hook and right double jab and he was already bleeding. He came at me twice more and I fucking stomped his ass. At the end, I said you aint no cop, you’re just a pussy beat up fuck wad, spat on him, and left with my cousin. To this day, I be that idiot remembers the beating I gave him. Hope you read this asshole, remember Trixie and the Bowl Garden? LOL i bet you do.

    • You sure did
      August 9, 2019 at 7:07 am


    • forgot one
      August 9, 2019 at 7:08 am


    • The Name Game
      August 9, 2019 at 9:20 am

      Good job, Jinn, guy got what he deserved! “Trixie and the Bowl Garden?” Sounds like a great name for a band!

    • Silencio Dogood
      August 10, 2019 at 3:17 am

      What happened to the snot?

  • Alyssa Lungarini
    August 8, 2019 at 9:39 pm

    Bristol, I’m not sure how much more I love you after this one.. x infinity maybe?
    You rock! BEST BLOG ever ❤️❤️❤️

  • Stunt Penis
    August 8, 2019 at 9:32 pm

    This guy’s been watching one too many Dog the Bounty Hunter reruns.

    I ran into a similar nimrod a few months ago who came into a restaurant I was at, wearing the full duty belt complete with badge and windbreaker that read “POLICE CONSTABLE”. I started snickering and he attempted to throw me one of those “don’t fuck with me” looks, which just make me start laughing harder while I was in the middle of taking a sip of my Coke.

    Constables do have extremely limited arrest powers. I’m not quite sure about the “private investigations” the MA Constable’s Association claims, MGL is pretty specific about the requirements to get a private investigator’s license. There is a training class put on by a guy in Acushnet who also does professional police training classes, but I haven’t seen them advertised for several years now.

    • Love a Finger in My Ass while .......................
      August 9, 2019 at 4:26 am

      I loved Beth Chapman’s big huge round delectable honkers. Man, those were some puffy luffies to punch the clown over. Since I got political, now I just whack away thinking of Bristol, SSTG, and MVTB. I wish the fuck Turtleboy Sports would hurry up and put out that nude calendar of these fine ass women. There’s a bunch of us pro-turtle, rightist, no pookie bar stool squatters who just work and drink day in day out, and want to punch the fuck out of our meat over these brave sweet ass intelligent women. Such a turn on, smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack smack , ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Bris………………toooooooooool! Let’s go again baby!

  • greatchow
    Great Chow
    August 8, 2019 at 9:20 pm

    These are the same hardos who walk into the courthouses thinking they are police officers and want to bring in their weapon because they are “law enforcement”! Fucking bafoons.

  • Vrooom vrooom
    August 8, 2019 at 8:53 pm

    How do they get blue lights for the tonka cars they drive around in…..i thought having a blue light was illegal except for police?

  • Francis Sidebottom’s Alter Ego
    August 8, 2019 at 8:40 pm

    “…a type of handgun legally used only by law enforcement officers.“

  • Realestatepup
    August 8, 2019 at 8:26 pm

    I work with the Worcester Constables all the time on evictions and they have always been polite and professional…and when you deal with some of the people fighting their eviction tooth and nail and involve the glorious Worcester Anti-foreclosure Group of grandmas and old aunts hooking arms and blocking the eviction you just know your day is going to be great.
    Look, I know some people truly get in trouble due to illness or death. But many, many times people use their house like an ATM and when the shit hits the fan they can’t pay the massive mortgage anymore, and they are genuinely pissed off the bank wants their money and if they don’t get it they take the house.
    Apparently these people believe they should be able to live for free forever because they want to. Life doesn’t work that way. No one held a gun to your head an forced you to suck hundreds of thousands of dollars out in equity.

    • Bristol Turtlechick
      August 8, 2019 at 9:08 pm

      I work with constables and the sheriffs department, too. I’ve never had any complaints with any of the constables I’ve worked with nor would I disparage them. Then again, the constables I’ve worked with do their job within the practical scope of their job, professionally and effectively. Not going out there pretending to be cops trying to arrest sex offenders.

  • Debtor in Defawt
    August 8, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    Dey kicked in my door and stepped on my cat. Dey slapped a bunch o papers on my chest and told me Discover card was gonna bring me up in the court dere. I dun tolds dem send a hundo out in the mawnin’ to fully settle. Dey said dey ain’t fixin’ no door, and it was my problem for owin’ Discover card a hundo.

  • JoeMomma
    August 8, 2019 at 7:45 pm


    We got fake cops with guns outside, better get the Uzi….

  • That Girl Was Me
    August 8, 2019 at 7:37 pm

    That red beret is priceless. the revolutionary guard of massachusetts.

  • MIGAT hat Proud
    August 8, 2019 at 7:09 pm

    Hahaha you showed them mommy!
    Mommy why did you tell us kids to lay down and watch the broken tv on the living room floor every night at 7 O’clock so you could talk to your friend Magic man in his car for 20 minutes and get your magic candy and sticky bubbles on your face? I’m glad our new daddy doesn’t give you magic candy.

  • Judge dread
    August 8, 2019 at 7:08 pm

    If they are “operating” in an area for whatever reason, shouldn’t they at least let the local police know what they are up to? Oh no they won’t cuz the local police will take it over and they couldn’t get Facebook points.

    These guys are channeling dog the bounty hunter. They only have LTC’s cuz they work for a private security company so they get around it by saying its part of their commercial job to pack heat. Think armored car guards or other armed security guards.

    It’s a loophole they’re using to convince the general public they are some type of LEO. ESP with that dogshit cruiser. I bet they invested hundreds of dollars in orange light bars. Go ahead light me up, I’ll keep on driving. You have no more authority than a tow truck.

  • MrSmiley
    August 8, 2019 at 6:55 pm

    Fucking superwhackers. Please destroy them. Hines and his merry bunch of neverwas losers will and i mean will… Get someone hurt. They have a fb page that neeeeds some love.

  • Stoney Tony
    August 8, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    These are the type of clowns that get blue lights on their personal cars, and pull women over just to feel their boobs.

  • Me
    August 8, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    Who funds these constables?

  • Me
    August 8, 2019 at 6:00 pm

    Who funds them?

  • z
    August 8, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    The black George Zimmerman.

  • hartf811
    August 8, 2019 at 5:27 pm

    The crooks are in the MSP. They figured out how to get a no show job with great bennies and as much as they can steal.
    Local cops are the guys hung up by their jockstraps in 8th grade gym class and with a gun and a badge is going to make everybody pay…..for life. In the old days, the 2 cop town that I lived in, #2 was the dad of the town pump. I stuck my toe in her pussy in the full lunch room of the high school. I was a freshman she was a junior. Her boyfriend (soon her husband) was always clueless and she spawned numerous drug addicted kids before daddy walked his last parade, lost his mind and shortly after, his life. She moved down south where living is easy she went full ratchet spiraling into pot, gardening and internet web services.
    The chief had breakfast with my dad every day before he caught the train to Boston. He was a good guy. He wasn’t into hooking and booking. He knew the meaning of community policing. Then when I moved away, “formula” policing came into vouge and the police force took on the look of the 101st Airborne. If the next town over had 2 more guys we had to have 3 more which caused them to get 2 more and so forth. Crime hadn’t changed but there were lots of badges in search of a purpose. Then the 3F’s ( fat fuck firemen) bellied up to the trough as they couldn’t pass up a free cash buffet, the “Community Safety Center Ivory Tower” had to be built and the town is locked down like grandma secured her pearls. These clowns? Just the next funny noses and big shoes out of the little car.

    • z
      August 8, 2019 at 9:42 pm

      I hear you, but that’s for another day. These guys aren’t even to that level.
      Not all cops are that way, but there’s a lot more of the kind you describe than I thought.
      Still a small percentage but any is too many.

    • Wondering
      August 9, 2019 at 8:54 pm

      What’s your profession hero?

  • Boston Constable
    August 8, 2019 at 5:13 pm

    2 huge red flags with this guy Hines. He registered as a “non-profit”. No Constable does that. We get paid to serve civil process in a “for profit” business. Who is giving him warrants to serve? The courts don’t give them out so where is he getting the paper from. Who if anyone is paying him to serve warrants and where is holding them at night before court opens? If he’s doing it for free he’s being set up for failure and major liability. Constables don’t do criminal warrants. Thanks for acknowledging that the rest of us are hard working professionals who serve and go quietly.

    • Big Wick
      August 9, 2019 at 11:34 am

      Actually, according to the scan of the application, “business type” is “Domestic Profit Corporation” and NOT a non-profit. I share your concern, though, regarding income stream. What’s his business model? Who pays him what? All that cop bling has to cost a fair bit, and tricking out the car ain’t cheap either. What kind of insurance do they carry? (SNORT!!!!) Because sooner or later one of those wannabe cops is going to start something he can’t handle, or treat somebody the wrong way, and someone’s going to get hurt. Mr. Hines’ flippant responses to the interviewer’s questions is disturbing (regarding the police chief and training: “That’s his opinion.”) I’m almost hoping I meet up with one of these yahoos.

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