I hear from a lot of people how they miss when we used to talk about sports. Usually these are dudes. Newsflash – we still do. They just don’t get nearly the traffic as the latest story about a gaggle of Worcester’s finest local boobs going all jailbreak on their kids school bus. Because more often than not your wife isn’t reading our analysis of the NBA draft. She is however reading all about the latest apple picking scandal.
Our goal at Turtleboy Sports is to make sports talk something that both men and women can enjoy while taking a monster dump. This is a feminist family blog after all. Sure we have a Turtleboy Sports dance team, but I want more womb in the sports conversation. I think junior smoke shows are kind of pushed away from sports talk because nerds control the sports blogging industry. It’s like being out at a bar. You see it every time – a bunch of dudes standing in the corner talking about on-base percentage while attainable, slightly above average women wait at the bar for one of these strangers to thrust themselves upon them when the next Flo-Rida song comes on.
But they never do, because they’re content with talking about their fantasy baseball team with a bunch of other sausages. Seriously, 99% of people that write about sports are dorks who can’t play the sports they’re talking about and are scared shitless of women. So women get isolated from the conversation and we’re left with morons like Erin Andrews. Our goal here is to write about sports in a way that men and women can enjoy equally, because here at TBSports we are all about gender equality. No one wants to hear a bunch of dorks put out a bunch of drivel that any hack could put out. That’s boring. People want hot sports takes, and that’s exactly what we’re giving you today.
I fucking love sports, in this order – 1) NFL, 2) College basketball, 3) NHL, 4) Notre Dame football, 5) MLB/NBA. So obviously with the NFL in full swing, and hockey and UMass basketball about to start, Turtleboy is in pants tent city.
On that note, as we continue to grow we have to establish our credibility as THE source for NFL coverage in New England. ESPN, CBS Sports and all of our other rivals have a weekly power rankings of all 32 NFL teams. So logically this was the next step for the TBSports staff. Every Tuesday now we’re gonna publish our NFL power rankings, as voted on by bloggers Turtleboy, Joey Genius, Lenny Russell, and of course Worcester legend/guru JL. Because if these aren’t the faces of guys who know what the fuck they’re talking about
then I challenge you to show me someone who does.
So we each submit our list, and Lenny Russell adds em all up. Here is THE OFFICIAL NFL power rankings that you simply cannot get from lukewarm sports blogs:
**I realize the Broncos are 2-1. That was a typo, so calm down fuck boi.
I think this is a pretty fair list with a few exceptions. Basically my list was perfect and my interns fucked it up. Here’s mine:
Let me breakdown the biggest issues I have with each of these nudniks rankings.
- He’s got the Bengals ranked fifth. I had the Bengals first. Yes, I know they’re coached by Marvin Lewis and they will obviously choke in the playoffs because they have an evil ginger for a quarterback. But this team kicked the shit out of the Falcons and beat the Ravens in Baltimore, accounting for both of those teams only losses. The Bengals are the Bengals, but right now they’re the best team in the NFL.
- He’s got the Bears ranked 9th. I got them 18th. They lost at home to fucking Buffalo. The fucking Bills!!! Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to lose at home to the Bills. Yea, they beat the Niners, but I think that game was a fluke. They beat the Jets last night because they’re the fucking Jets – a team that spotted them 14 points on Geno Smith boners. The Bears suck.
- Moron has the Steelers ranked 19th and the Panthers 14th. Ummmm, did this dolt see Pittsburgh shove their Big Ben down Carolina’s throat on Sunday? I hate the Steelers as much as any blue-blooded American, but there’s absolutely no way the Steelers are worse than the Bills, Texans, and Panthers. This is why I don’t pay you clowns.
- I want whatever the genius is smoking. OK, let’s start with the Patriots. Hey idiot – just because you would let Tom Brady violate your wife (who wouldn’t?) doesn’t mean the bullshit I’ve seen on the field hasn’t happened. He’s got the Pats ranked 4th, I’ve got them lower than anyone else at 10th and was tempted to go lower. The Patriots are so mediocre right now it hurts. Their offensive line is a disgrace to our country. I haven’t seen Patriots get bum rushed like that since Bunker Hill. If you can’t defend the quarterback then your team sucks. Period.
- He’s got the Raiders ranked last. So let me get this straight – the Patriots are the 4th best team in football, and they can barely beat the worst team in the NFL at home?? Because that makes a SHIT TON of sense!! I have them 30th, because the other two 3-loss teams (Bucs, Jaguars) are a disgrace to humanity. The Bucs just got their shit pushed in on Thursday night in the most emasculating way possible – down 56-0 at one point. I’ve performed better than that after five Mai Tai’s from the Dragon 88. Oh yea, and they lost at home to the God damn Rams. SMH. And the Jaguars? Where do I start? How about blowing a 17-0 lead to the Eagles and losing 34-17? How about losing by 31 to the mother fucking REDSKINS!! Or this weekend’s pounding by the Colts? They haven’t come close to losing by less than two touchdowns and they are an NFL team. Put down the crack pipe Joey G.
- Dingleberry has the 49ers ranked 24th. I’ve seen better judgement from the Vernon Hill chapter of MENSA. I don’t give a shit if they’re 1-2. It’s the fucking 49ers. I got them ranked 7th. If you think the Patriots are better than the 49ers right now then I’d like to give you the grand tour of my Nantucket horse ranch this weekend. I’ll meet you there. He’s got the Giants, Titans, Cowboys, and Dolphins ranked ahead of them. You sir are a disgrace to Turtleboy Sports and your Christmas bonus is cancelled.
- He’s got the Browns ranked 27th. I don’t give a shit, I like the Browns this year. I got them ranked 20th and feel like it should be even higher. Every game they’ve played has been decided by three or less points. They are that pain in the ass team who will play with you for three and a half quarters only to fuck up at the last minute because they are the Browns. But no one’s gonna kick their ass. Plus, how can you not be rooting for Brian Hoyer right now? First, he’s a former Patriot. More importantly though, when he plays well Johnnie Rookie Bitch gets stuck on the bench, and then we all win.
They don’t call him a guru for no reason. He had easily the best poll of the Turtleboy Sports staff. I have almost no beefs with his list whatsoever. Literally every pick is within 3 or 4 spots that I have them ranked at except for the Bears. But I gotta find something to rip on him for, so here goes:
- He’s giving the Cowboys and Texans too much credit because they’re both 2-1. The Texans have played absolutely no one, with wins over the Redskins and Raiders, and a loss to the God damn GIANTS!! The Cowboys have beaten the mighty Titans and the Rams. You might get a better challenge from Doherty High School.
- He’s got the Jets ranked too high. The Jets are just an abortion of a football team. Geno. Smith. That is all.
- I kind of have a problem with the Seahawks and Broncos as 1-2. I mean, they’ve both lost. If the Seahawks played any team in the NFL and I had even money, I’d probably take them. But they’ve fucked up and the Bengals haven’t.
So there you have it folks. Sports from a Turtleboy Sports blog. Fucked up right? We might have to do this more often. So in honor of ladies night at Turtleboy Sports we hope to hear some hot takes from Worcester’s finest junior smoke shows on your NFL rankings.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.