Nudniks

Dear John Hugo And Samson Racioppi Of Super Happy Fun America: I’m Sorry We Made You So Super Unhappy Butthurt

Dear John Hugo And Samson Racioppi:

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I hope this blog finds you well, and not engaged in a feverish rage-circle-jerk while you prattle on about how totally NOT gay you are. When I invited you on our show, I was expecting more of a super happy and fun conversation about fighting back against identity politics through the art of the troll, and less of a grating whine-fest with two dudes dressed like they just finished up brunching together. I’m sorry it didn’t pan out that way. Please, tip your stylist on my behalf, truly. You. Looked. Fabulous.

Like a totally not-gay Jehovah’s Witness and Miami Vice extra. These two never, ever swipe right on Grindr. Not. Once.

I know that I need to apologize, thoroughly and sincerely. I know this because since the show, you have flooded us with your expressions of extreme chagrin and offense.

  

I’m so sorry we hurt you, John and Sam. Please, grab yourselves an extra-large box of Kleenex for your cries, and Tampax for your bleeding lady organs, and let me extend my most sincere remorse.

First and absolutely foremost, please let me say, I am truly sorry for my insensitivity. I can see that we hurt you, particularly Sam. He’s been so open and honest about his complete and utter butthurt. Repeatedly.

I’m so sorry for offending your soft and delicate feminine sensibilities, boys. I am, in fact, a female myself. I should have known better, I should have had so much more empathy for your plight. Here, let me help.

Is that soothing? I do hope so. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for asking you if it makes you gay if it’s your buddy sucking your dick. Immediately after I asked the question, your response let me know that I struck a raw nerve. My apologies, but let me explain – this was not asked with ill intent. Due to your very serious, very meaningful civil rights work on behalf of the mere 96% of the population that identifies as heterosexual, I regarded you as experts in the sexual-orientation relations field. And, please forgive me for foolishly assuming you would know this – but that is a timeless philosophical question originally posed by one of the most relevant cinematic moments of our time.

I’m sorry the reference eluded you. In the same vein, I’m sorry that you were also gravely offended by my insinuation that regardless of sexual orientation twenty-dollars may be twenty-dollars. Another careless faux-pas. When I saw that sharp blazer/T-shirt combo, I thought I saw a man endowed with razor-sharp style and financial savvy. My mistake. Please, accept my most humble apology for that one.

I’m sorry that we misinterpreted your Straight Pride Parade efforts as a charade concocted to make a clever point about the histrionics of the far Left. You see, you adopted their language so adeptly, we thought it was in jest. I now see that you are, in fact, very serious in all your crying about oppression. You clearly feel it’s unfair that the gays get to sparkle and shine in the spotlight while you languish away in the darkness, forced into suppressing your uncontrollable boners at every attractive female that passes you on the street (your words paraphrased, please know that we were listening.) On second inspection of your parade and carefully hand-picked Grand Marshal, I can now see how foolish it was for us to simply assume. Look at this guy,

The picture of the heterosexual status quo. I’m so very sorry we assumed it was a joke. Please, calm your hysterical ovaries now.

I’m sorry if we compounded your feelings of inadequacy by downplaying your very important movement. I’m so sorry if you felt we mocked your very real oppression and suffering as dudes who get chubs from looking at boobies, living in the most freedom-loving and prosperous nation in the world.  Please, let me make it right, by assuring you, I’m certain you disappointed your parents at some point in your life with your incessant whining about your heterosexual experiences. Just as much as if you introduced them to your fiance, Steve.

Mom, Dad, I’m sorry, but I love women. Nothing you say can change that for me.

 

I’m sorry that Bret “The Killer” Killoran told you that (and I quote), “A lot of people like pussy, you ain’t special motherfucker.” This is not in tune with the current climate of “everyone gets a trophy.” Let me assure you, my little rays of sunshine, you are special. So very special. You deserve a parade, maybe even your own Olympics. The sky’s the limit, buttercups.

I’m even more sorry that I did, in fact, put that shit on a t-shirt, now available in our store.

I’m sorry that our language was too crude and vulgar for your demur and delicate sensibilities. I’ve spoken to the boss, and he assures me, we will all be receiving sensitivity training in the very near future, so we can better be cognizant of our language in the presence of ladies.

I’m sorry that we questioned whether or not you were being assaulted due to your sexual preference. Truly. That was extremely ignorant on our part, because the answer was abundantly clear. You’re being assaulted because you are insufferable pricks who speak in an octave most insufferable to the average human ears. I’m sorry we even brought that up. I hope your boo-boos heal quickly, and you receive adequate therapy to overcome your fear of glitter.

Assault is never O.K. It’s just a lot less sympathetic when you actively seek it out. Shame on Antifa for not only being a group of violent sociopaths, but for taking your bait every time. What a bunch of dumb fucks.

Furthermore, I’m sorry that we didn’t see clearly at the time the brilliance of your assertion that the only way to combat the sexualization of our children in public schools is to….bring up more sex. But heterosexual sex, of course. I, too, simply cannot live in a world where my children aren’t thoroughly educated in the joys of lights-off, shirts on missionary sex for procreative purposes only, and as early as possible, too! You’re so right to assert this is normal, this idea fixes everything! I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. I’m also sorry for insinuating that the gays should impart glittery “surprise adoptions” on the hundreds of thousands of children abandoned by their heterosexual parents currently in the system. You were right, and I was wrong. They deserve the dignity of languishing in the myriads of foster homes they get shuffled around in. How foolish of me to so much as suggest otherwise.

Sorry, no parents for you.

I’m so sorry that Uncle Turtleboy rudely barged in to our sparkling and enlightening conversation about your myriad of self-centered complaints, only to ask questions about heterosexual sex. It was an ill-informed blunder, as he didn’t know until you informed him that you know nothing about heterosexual sex, and then promptly rage-quit for the slight. It was foolishly presumptuous of him to assume that two dudes sitting practically on top of each other in suit jackets would be a part of that conversation, Straight Pride be damned.

I’m sorry we never circled back around to the topic of Brad Pitt’s thick package after you brought it up. It sounded like a topic you were very enthusiastic to discuss. My apologies that the conversation got so derailed.

And, of course, I’m sorry that I replied to your scathing email in response to me trying to smooth over your upset and extend our assistance in raising money,  mocking your fundraising follies and warning you not to invite me to “throw my nuts on the table.” That was mean, and surely did nothing to soothe neither your tears, nor menstrual cramps. Don’t fret, the aforementioned crude phrasing is not in fact an admission that I am BLT-123, you can put any potential awkward boners away. It was a vulgar metaphor, meaning that in matters of wit, emotional fortitude and influence, I’m definitely above you. Not because you’re not special, oh no, please don’t start your sobbing again. Simply because you failed in both being offensive and humorless, in quite the epic fashion. And here I am, in one fell swoop, accomplishing both, without even smudging my mascara. Yours, on the other hand, is quite apparently running down your soft, voluptuous little cheeks.

And for that, Sirs or Madams, I am deeply and sincerely remorseful. I’m so sorry. It just breaks my heart that we can’t be friends, because I checked my little black book just now, and under the “Whiny, self-important man babies with ambiguous sexual urges” section, it’s entirely blank. Regrettable, due to my careless and unconscionable behavior during our live stream, that’s how it will remain. I’m just so very sorry.

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35 Comment(s)
  • Marktown
    July 16, 2019 at 12:24 am

    The Straight Pride Parade has triggered the left across the world. All eyes will be on Boston on August 31st and it will be a great opportunity to push back against identity politics and censorship by the far left. I cant figure out why turtle boy sports would choose to attack the organizers rather than support this effort. But if they dont want to be part of this amazing event then that is their loss.

    • Guess Who?
      July 16, 2019 at 10:41 pm

      You bringing the proud boys, Sahady? You white nationalist piece of shit. You’re all frauds and you’re mad every time you lose support you feel entitled to. Maybe get rid of effeminate John Hugo and be transparent with your intentions. I’ve infiltrated your organization and when the time comes, i know where I’m leaking all the info to. Good luck, catch me if you can. You’re fucked.

      • Marktown
        July 17, 2019 at 2:09 pm

        The far-left calls everyone they disagree with a fascist or white nationalist so your puerile allegations are of no concern. Far-left activists also like to make bold claims, such as infiltration, that almost always turn out to be false. You gave zero evidence of any of your claims. Antifun Gordon frequently boasts that he has damaging information on me or people I am associated with. However, he only recycles the same old phony allegations. It’s really not worth my time.

  • LOB
    July 15, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    If I accidentally bumped into these two fuckin losers, they would look like all hell broke loose when I got done with them

    • Marktown
      July 17, 2019 at 12:49 pm

      The far-left calls everyone they disagree with a fascist or white nationalist so your puerile allegations are of no concern. Far-left activists also like to make bold claims, such as infiltration, that almost always turn out to be false. You gave zero evidence of any of your claims. Antifun Gordon frequently boasts that he has damaging information on me or people I am associated with. However, he only recycles the same old phony allegations. It’s really not worth my time.

  • The Name Game
    July 15, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    What’s with these pathetic dudes, Mr. Sad Face and Jean Luc Picard? That pic should be in the dictionary under “whiny bitch.”

    • Not Natasha
      July 15, 2019 at 4:34 pm

      Make no mistake friend. Neither of those fools is worthy of the fictitious Picard reference. Nothing to see here folks. Just a couple of pathetic poon deprived Neanderthals.

      • The Name Game
        July 15, 2019 at 7:08 pm

        Agree on worthiness, or rather lack thereof. How about Blunt? You gotta admit, though, does he not seem to have a passing similarity to a young Patrick Stewart?

        • Not Natasha
          July 15, 2019 at 10:33 pm

          Hrm, perhaps in the vaguest of sense. He is certainly more swarthy, however. Admittedly I have yet to actually watch it and the stills speak volumes.

  • Natasha
    July 15, 2019 at 2:29 pm

    What, realistically, did Bristol do here guys? They were not incorrect in saying she asked the same question in different forms three times.

    • Poor Sad Little Natasha
      July 15, 2019 at 2:39 pm

      That’s liable to happen when they don’t answer the question at any point, and just keep dodging it. Maybe you didn’t listen to the same interview I did? Or maybe you need to get some dick so you’ll be less of a miserable cunt. 600 lb life!

      • Not Natasha
        July 15, 2019 at 3:34 pm

        So let us recap your infinite wisdom; chick has a coherent opinion regarding something another chick posts publicly. Differing opinions is the result therefore she must be 600lbs. You sir (using the term sir lightly) can fuck right off. Respectfully. When was the last time you found your peen in an actual woman’s mouth? Inquiring minds want to know. Just kidding, no one truly gives a fuck.

        • Bristol Turtlechick
          July 15, 2019 at 3:47 pm

          Ignore the trolls. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but some “opinions” are expressed with the sole intent to upset other people. Not worth in, in my opinion, for however much or little that may be worth.

          • Not Natasha
            July 15, 2019 at 4:42 pm

            No worries Bristol. I wasn’t all that upset by the comment. While I understand how trolls operate and the futility of responding, sometimes it is impossible to keep my cock washer shut. Post comment!

        • Natasha AF
          July 15, 2019 at 4:01 pm

          Wow, thank you, Not Natasha!

          I love Bristol. I just do think she asked the same question three different ways.

          • Natasha
            July 15, 2019 at 4:05 pm

            And I, for one, would never refer to her as an Iguana Woman

          • Bristol Turtlechick
            July 15, 2019 at 4:31 pm

            I’m actually OK with Iguana Woman. It has a certain ring to it.

  • Mens Warehouse
    July 15, 2019 at 8:30 am

    Sweet rag on their clothes Bristol! They need to do some shopping at the Turtleboy store or better yet get some fashion advice from your boss, he dresses like a real straight man. Neon green sneakers are so hot right now.

  • Not Sampson
    July 15, 2019 at 5:27 am

    12:13 like ratio there… just saying

  • Turtleryda
    July 15, 2019 at 3:08 am

    Bristol to bret.. U got $20 dollars…
    brilliant recap of the live show!! Huge bow to bret and bristol for calling these guys out. Looks like these guys have in deed poked the turtle. Cant wait. Failure swift got nothing on these guys.

  • Liawatha
    July 14, 2019 at 10:09 pm

    !NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!!NO BORDERS NO WALLS, NO USA AT ALL!

    • Big Wick
      July 15, 2019 at 3:57 pm

      Hmmm, looks like someone forgot to take their OCD/mania med’s today, er, for the past week.

  • Massholio
    July 14, 2019 at 8:16 pm

    Who do they think invented the term “parading around”. Tom Selleck?

  • Aspiring baby daddy
    July 14, 2019 at 7:59 pm

    Dear BTC,
    You’re a mutherf**king rock star.
    Best,

    ABD

  • Shirley You Can't Be Serious
    July 14, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Damn!! I was on their side and they had my full support when i thought they were trolling under the guise of a true cause. But to learn that they actually believe in this, that they’re taking this seriously and feel they are oppressed is a big fat joke.
    There’s no way they believe that shit. I think we’re being punked.

  • Randall Guy
    July 14, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    I take back everything I ever said about you Bristol.

    Thats some seriously brilliant stuff.

    Take a bow.

    • Randall Guy's Dad
      July 14, 2019 at 10:11 pm

      Dumpster, Bitch!

  • Dick Scratcher
    July 14, 2019 at 4:14 pm

    As a result of this blog I shall be moving to Massachusetts from England and setting up home with BTC.

    All future limericks will be dedicated to her magnificence.

    DS

    • The angry taint
      July 15, 2019 at 6:16 pm

      I’ll be standing in the corner posing as a lamp

  • SassySwede
    July 14, 2019 at 4:02 pm

    Sarcasm…
    [Sahr • kaz• uh•m]
    noun
    1. The ability to insult idiots without them even realizing it
    2. The body’s natural defense against inherent stupidity of certain individuals

    • Big Wick
      July 15, 2019 at 4:02 pm

      Amen to THAT, Sassy! I LOVES me some good sarcasm!

  • All Parades Are Gay
    July 14, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    Well, I guess they’re not trolling for sure. What a bunch of crying little pussies. Does this mean no Turtleboy Float in their stupid parade? I hate parades, stupid way to fuck up traffic for the rest of us.

  • TheCureForHope
    July 14, 2019 at 1:47 pm

    OMG Bristol.
    What exquisite use of sarcasm…..it just flows out of your keyboard (and mouth) smooth as silk.

    It seems you don’t even have to put forth much effort, as if you’re a natural.

    Take this as fair warning people.

    DON’T. POKE. BRISTOL. EITHER. She has no mercy and will destroy you.

  • PA turtle cunt
    July 14, 2019 at 1:42 pm

    Best fucking quote I’ve heard in a long time and I’m ordering that shirt.

    “A lot of people like pussy, you ain’t special, motherfucker.”

  • Parades Parades Parades
    July 14, 2019 at 1:32 pm

    I’m sick of all identity parades Th gay parades are sickening, Caribbean parades all turn into violence. Now a straight parade is just another reason for people to disrupt the lives of people enjoying public areas. Cut the shit with all these parades. If it means no more St Patrick parade so what. July 4 and victory parades are great because they don’t involve politics Just my 2 cents

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