Sports

Deflategate: Patriots Ballboy Took Massive Dump With Balls

patriots ballboy deflategate

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Breaking news in the DeflateGate drama. It turns out the NFL has narrowed it’s investigation of the “deflated” balls from the Patriots-Colts game down to a rogue ballboy who may or may not have have taken a massive dump without flushing. This “person of interest” may or may not have also been seen behind the grassy knoll adjacent the Texas Schoolbook Depository on Elm Street in Dallas, on November 22, 1963. Here’s the report from NESN:

The surveillance footage that FOX Sports’ Jay Glazer reported Monday afternoon shows a Patriots’ locker room attendant entering a bathroom with 12 New England footballs and 12 of the Indianapolis Colts’ footballs before the AFC Championship Game, a source told ProFootballTalk Monday night. He stays in the restroom for 90 seconds, then leaves. The video was discovered by the Patriots and given to the NFL, according to ProFootballTalk. So, the crux of DeflateGate revolves around whether someone can deflate 12 footballs in less than 90 seconds in a bathroom. Because if you can’t, then the ball boy was just going to the bathroom.

patriots ball boy deflategate

That’s it folks – they cracked the case!!! It was all the work of a magical ballboy who deflated 12 footballs by exactly 2 PSI in 90 seconds whilst taking a Patriot-sized dump. This is no longer “DeflateGate.” It is officially “DumpGate” at this point. Obviously he didn’t wash his hands either which explains why Andrew Luck was unable to get a good grip on the ball and was henceforth emasculated by the Patriots defense.

Obviously this proves the Patriots are cheaters right? I mean, why did he close the door when he went into the bathroom? Only a cheater would close the door while dropping a deuce. LOL. This just keeps getting funnier and funnier. The longer they press this issue the more it proves that this is a gigantic witch hunt conspiracy to prove that the greatest organization in world history only won so much because they cheated. First they said that the balls were deflated. Then it turned out they were barely deflated at all. Then it turned out that science was the reason the balls were deflated. Now they’ve run out of angles so they’ve gone with the “DumpGate” tactic. They’re reaching for straws at this point, and I say keep it coming. I for one am looking forward to these “analysts” like Felger and Mazz debate the size of the dump that may or may not have been left by the rogue ballboy. This is hilarious.

Go Patriots!!

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5 Comment(s)
  • FACTMAN
    January 27, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    It all comes down to what the ball-boy ate for breakfast and or lunch. Did he go to Moe’s on his way to Foxborough? perhaps he went to Wright’s Chicken Farm? Right now Attorney Wells is pulling the boy’s credit card information to find any and all lunch receipts. This will be proof enough for me.

    • Vanderbooger
      January 27, 2015 at 2:44 pm

      Again, you fail to tell the whole story. The problem is that Kraft is craftier than that, and before he paid off this unscrupulous ball boy (in cash) he likely had the kid make a credit card purchase for a small order of chicken fingers from the 99. Of course, these chicken fingers were never consumed. Shortly after the ballboy slipped quietly out the back of the 99, Mr. Kraft gave him a fake nose and a wig and sent him off to Moe’s with several hundred dollars in cash. This precipitated the dump that gave him enough time to hide in the stall and deflate the balls.

      • FACTMAN
        January 27, 2015 at 2:50 pm

        Just leaked on ESPN:

        Sources say green smoke seen emanating from bathroom after ball-boy exited.

        • Vanderbooger
          January 27, 2015 at 5:37 pm

          Hmmm… now that is some solid evidence there.

        • Wabbitt
          wabbitt
          January 28, 2015 at 9:23 pm

          So we elected a new pope?

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