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As you know, the Patriots are filthy cheaters who only win because of Spygate, deflated footballs, tuck rules, and sending prostitutes to the other team’s hotel the night before the game. But as you saw in last night’s game, you can overcome all the Patriots cheating if you follow the Denver Broncos blueprint. Here are the Denver Broncos Top 12 Ways To Overcame The Patriots Cheating.
12. If your quarterback is Peyton Manning, pretend that he’s hurt so that he doesn’t lose to Brady again.
Plantar fasciitis is an injury, but it’s not really an injury. Turtleboy has had it before. Nothing is broken or structurally wrong. It’s just some swelling in the bottom of your foot. It hurts a lot in the morning when you first get out of bed, then you toss on some slippers and take some Tylenol and you feel fine. It’s also an “injury” that mainly affects two kind of athletes – really tall basketball players, and long distance runners. Quarterbacks don’t get plantar fasciitis, and even if they did, they could play through it by taking some tylenol. But Peyton Manning sucks so bad right now, that the Broncos are doing the right thing and letting him go out with dignity. He might be one of the worst quarterbacks in the league and would’ve gotten destroyed last night. Plus, he couldn’t beat us in his prime, so what’s he gonna do now as a crusty old man? If your quarterback is Peyton Manning, you have no choice but to fake an injury and hope your backup can win you the game.
11. Make sure you play with 12 men at all times.
10. Find the oldest ref possible.
In order to beat the Patriots you need someone really old and senile out there like your racist grandfather. Someone who has never been wrong before and isn’t afraid to give their opinion anyway. What you can’t afford to do is have a ref who can actually keep up with the pace of the game. Tony Carrente is the ideal choice. He’s at the ripe old age of 64 and never misses the early bird special at the Sizzler. Oh yea, and he resigned in disgrace as the commissioner of efficient for the Pac 12 last year after a series of disgraceful riffing jobs completely screwed up the conference standings.
9. When you can’t sack Tom Brady and he completes a 40 yard pass, do the Penguin.
Brady moves his feet well in the pocket and has good instincts. So if you can’t get to him, do what Von Miller does here. Act like you’re being held, throw your arms down at your side, and waddle like a penguin. It will make it look like the Patriots are doing something illegal and your grandpa referee will throw a flag anyway.
8. Don’t let this black ref call your game.
There was a point in the game where the Patriots were ruled to have an ineligible receiver downfield, even though the fat bastard from the Patriots had declared eligible prior to the play. Tony Carrente was about to ignore that fact and penalize the Patriots for having an ineligible receiver downfield. Things were going just fine, then the African-American ref showed up out of nowhere and told him he was wrong. Carnet had no choice but to rule it was a completed pass after that:
There’s a 99% chance Roger Goodell is gonna have that guy killed within a week anyway, so he shouldn’t ever be a problem going forward.
7. Commit a couple obvious penalties.
Look, if at the end of the game the Patriots have a million more penalties than you do, people are gonna start asking questions. Roger Goodell isn’t gonna let the refs call some ticky tack stuff on you if you’re playing New England, so you gotta be REAL blatant about it. Hit Brady while he’s on the ground for five seconds. Tackle Matthew Slater out of bounds. Whatever. At the end of the day people will look at the total penalties and say, “see, it was evenly called.” No one will be the wiser.
6. When in doubt, hold Chandler Jones and Rob Ninkovich.
Chandler Jones is a huge bully, and more than likely he’s a cheater. He’s the kid on the playground who counted Mississippi’s by eliminating syllables. You remember THAT kid who said, “1 missippi, 2 missippi, and still claimed he was saying “Mississippi.” So if it looks like he’s about to sack your quarterback or blow up your screen play or stop your game winning touchdown, just grab his facebmask, or his jersey, or anything else you can get your hands on. Even if the refs call it it’s still worth it, because the alternative is him adding to his NFL sack lead. Can’t have that.
5. Make sure not to try to tackle Gronk.
Tackling is overrated. Wrapping ball carriers up is such a 70’s thing. Gronk isn’t a real human being, he’s a transformer who can’t be brought down by normal tackling or any vain attempt to wrap him up. So it’s basically cheating by having him out there at all. Therefore you must make sure you try to hit him in the knees instead of wasting your time trying to tackle him. Because the only way to beat the Patriots is to make sure you injure Gronk and take him out of the game.
4. Fake injury when out of timeouts.
Let’s suppose the Patriots are driving down the field for a sure game winning touchdown. Brady is the king of the no-huddle so stopping them isn’t an option. And you can’t call timeouts if you don’t have any. So what do you do? Just pretend to be injured and get the refs to call an “excess timeout.”
Belichick and Brady won’t like it, but it’s a great way to kill momentum when you don’t have the timeouts to do it on your own.
3. Run into defensive backs whenever possible.
Alan Branch is a monster, and he’s gonna sack your quarterback from time to time. So it’s up to your receiver to run into defensive backs like Patrick Chung and push off on his face mask.
You’ll get that call every time, and you’ll get another shot at the go ahead winning touchdown.
2. Run directly into Gronk while defending him.
Gronk is unstoppable, so if you can’t injure him, you have to get the refs to throw flags on him. If you’re a defensive back then Gronk probably has 6 inches and 60 pounds on you. Make sure you hit him as soon as he comes off the line of scrimmage. Because of the laws of physics you will then be pushed backwards and Gronk will bounce off of you. Luckily grandpa ref will bail you out with a flag and the catch will be negated. Don’t worry though, they won’t call it on you when you do the exact same thing, because no one cares about your team.
1. Distract everyone from the obvious referee cheating by having Chris Collinsworth make bizarre sexual commentary.
“Mayo is just so deep, you don’t think he’s gonna come.” If everyone is preoccupied with hearing about Jerrod Mayo’s issues with premature ejaculation, then no one will notice that Roger Goodell is literally handing you the hand game. Make sure Collinsworth is your call guy. This is the critical last step.
All the butthurts are out in force saying stuff like, “now you know how everyone else feels.” Newsflash – the Patriots have never benefitted from what we saw last night. Ever. We win because we’re better than everyone else. That’s just a fact. Some are saying
Anyway, I’ve never been more confident the Patriots are gonna win the Super Bowl. Turtleboy isn’t one of these “the Patriots need to lose before the playoffs” guys. I wanted 19-0, and that one sucked. But last night we found out it took the following to beat the Patriots:
- Broncos and Patriots fumbled punts recovered by the Broncos
- Dropped Brandon Lafell touchdown
- Injured Gronk, Amendola, Hightower, Collins, and Edelman
- Multiple dropped interceptions
- 64 year old refs who have no freaking clue what they’re doing
That’s not gonna happen again. The Patriots have five awful teams left on their schedule who they’ll beat by a million. We’ll be 15-1 and no one can beat us at home in the playoffs. By the time we get to the Super Bowl everyone will be getting back at the exact right time and will facialize whatever NFC team chooses to make the mistake of playing us. This was just a minor bump in the road on our 2015 rape tour de NFL. At the end of the day, God is just testing us. He does this to people who he loves and blesses. He is testing our faith, and our faith is unresolved. We will see the promised land in two months. #GodLovesUsMore
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