CBS: A boa constrictor reported missing from its cage in Braintree was found Thursday afternoon at a Weymouth playground.
Authorities said earlier Thursday that the 4-foot long red-tail boa escaped from its cage near Sunset Lake on Saturday when the owner didn’t secure it. Authorities didn’t found out about the missing snake until Thursday.
At about 2:45 p.m., police said the snake was found at a playground in Weymouth and is in the custody of animal control.
Police also told residents to keep small pets indoors and keep a close eye on them if they are outside.
The investigation is ongoing.
“If determined this was a joke, we will handle accordingly,” Braintree police said.
So let me get this straight. Some asshat from Braintree thought he’d go out and buy a pet boa constrictor, because nothing says “I have a huge schmenzer” like a killer Amazonian snake.
Then numbnuts McGee decided he wouldn’t take extra precautions to make sure the boa constrictor stayed in its cage, because, fuck it, it’s only a snake that will eat any small child it sees for lunch.
Look, I’m not against you owning a killer snake in the same way that I’m not against you having children. Both can be very dangerous, but if you keep an eye on them you should be all set. However, what the hell is the purpose of owning a snake? A dog gives you companionship. A cat hangs out with and eliminates your mouse problem. A child gives you love.
But a snake? All they do is sit there and look disgusting. Snakes are impossible to love. You build no bond with them whatsoever and they would eat you in a heartbeat. The only reason to own a snake is because you think it makes you look like a bad ass.
The owner of this snake should be sent to the Amazon and forced to live in the jungle for a week. If he still thinks South American wildlife is cool after that then he can keep his stupid snake.
The craziest part about this whole thing is how far away the snake was found. Here’s a map of the Braintree/Weymouth region. The lake where the snake disappeared from is circled in red. The path it took is in blue:
Oh no big deal, the snake only crossed Route 3 near the I-93 interchange, one of the biggest clusterfucks for traffic this fine state has to offer. Seriously though, how the hell did the snake make it that far without anyone noticing? How were no delicious children eaten along the way?
The last thing I gotta ask is, where’s Baby Gangsta at? He’s gotta be out on bail by now. Remember the Braintree Badass who thought it would be wise to stab someone at a Celtics game a couple months back?
There is a 99% chance that asshat owns the only snake in Braintree. It has Baby Gangsta written all over it. How do you try to keep your street cred and keep it real when you’re living in a well-off Boston suburb? Buy a snake. It’s way more bad ass than a pitbull.