Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

To follow Turtleboysports via email just click on “Follow” on the lower right hand corner of the screen and enter your email. The hot takes will then be delivered to you hot off the press.

Generally it’s the job of a kicker or punter in the NFL to shut up, kick accurately, and never, ever, ever screw up. Former NFL punter Chris Kluwe isn’t good at any of these things.

The loud mouthed and unemployed punter decided to write yet another long article for the muckraking bastards at Deadspin. In it he claimed amongst other things that he was released by the Minnesota Vikings before this season because of his outspoken support for same sex marriage. The column was entitled “I was an NFL player until I was fired by two cowards and a bigot.” The bigot he was referring to was special teams coach Mike Priefer. The cowards are recently fired coach Leslie Frazier, and general manager Rick Spielman.

According to Kluwe he was not brought back because his immediate coach Priefer was auditioning for a spot on Duck Dynasty. Priefer criticized the punter throughout the 2012 season for his support of gay marriage, allegedly saying in a November team meeting that “we should round up all the gays, send them to an island and nuke it until it glows.”

Since Kluwe has no job and is presumably extremely bored, he has the time to freelance for Deadspin. The article is extremely long, but I thought this was an interesting part of it:

On Feb. 11, I received a message saying, “Please fly under radar please,” from a phone number I would later learn belonged to Rick Spielman. The text message presumably concerned several things I had tweeted that day regarding Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to step down. Spielman later called me and asked me to stop tweeting about the pope because angry people were ringing up team headquarters in Winter Park, Minn. It should be noted that my tweets concerned the lack of transparency and endemic institutional corruption of the Catholic Church, which among other things allowed child abuse to flourish.

I’m kind of conflicted on how to feel about Kluwe. On the one hand I freaking love the first amendment. People of all professions should be able to speak freely and say whatever they want about anything, and as long as they’re not speaking as a spokesman for the people that employ them, they should be able to say whatever the hell they want to say. You don’t like it? Don’t read it. People are calling up employers complaining about it? Instead of trying to infringe on your employees rights, which we’ve fought several wars over in order to keep, tell the whining jagoffs that the first amendment covers all speech – not just speech that their moronic minds agree with.

With that said, reality is reality. Here’s my problems with Kluwe:

• We’re living in a PC world. You can’t offend ANYONE. Ever. If anyone could possibly be offended by something you wanna say, it’s your job not to say it. Their right not to be offended is more important than your right to speak freely. It definitely sucks, but sometimes you have to choose between sticking to your guns and collecting a check. The quicker Kluwe comes to terms with reality the easier life will be.
• Another beef we’ve got with Kluwe is the fact that he calls Priefer a bigot. Now, we hear at TurtleBoySports have no problem with same-sex marriage, but we fully respect others who feel differently. Calling anyone who disagrees with you a bigot makes you look like a dooshnozzle. Calling your former boss a bigot, who fired you for being mediocre and replacing you with a cheaper and younger version of you, makes you look like a complete dingbat. If he had such a beef with Priefer and Frazier while he was collecting checks from the Vikings, how come he didn’t say anything then? Magically, several months after he was fired, he suddenly felt the courage to whine to Deadspin.
• If any other former player came out with allegations like this I could believe him, but Kluwe is obviously a professional agitator. Wait, professionals get paid. He’s just an agitator. He’s speaking next year at the American Atheists Convention. Now I have no problem at all with atheists. What I do have a problem with is cocky nudniks who think they’re smarter than everyone else because they don’t believe in God. You saw with his Pope comments that he’s obviously got a major chip on his shoulder with the Catholic Church. A lot of people do. But at the same time a lot of people are catholic. When you come out throwing haymakers at the Pope, expect to get smacked around by the Pope’s army. Ya see Chris, when you voice strong opinions on things, other people are gonna come back at you just as hard.

• Here’s another qualm I’ve got with Kluwe: It’s about him, not gay marriage. For the past couple years Kluwe and former Ravens special teamer Brendon Ayanbadejo have made themselves the NFL’s spokesmen for gay marriage. It just so happens that both of them were fringe NFL players who were both able to blame their failure to find a job on the unproven allegations that they’ve been blacklisted by the NFL for their beliefs. He’s not writing this article because he’s passionate about gay marriage. He’s writing it because he wants to guilt some idiot NFL owner into hiring him for the public relations.
• Two years ago during the 2011 NFL lockout, the Boston Globe reported that an agreement between owners and the players’ union was being held up by special considerations for a few top names, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Vincent Jackson, and Logan Mankins. Kluwe tweeted his frustration at this impasse, assailing their greed and calling them “douchebags.”

You know what this makes you Kluwe? It makes you a dirty scab. First of all, your twitter handle is ChrisWarcraft. I already know everything there is to know about you without reading the tweet. Secondly, there is no lower form of life in labor relations than the scab. Brees, Manning, Jackson and Mankins are some of the biggest names in the game. They had a lot more on the line in the labor dispute than you did, since you’re a worthless kicker. When you’re trying to negotiate a contract with a bunch of lucky sperm billionaire NFL owners who want you to risk your life so they can buy another jet, you have to put up a united front. Those guys (even Manning and Brees sometimes) get hit harder than you could ever imagine. If they wanna hold out for more money then it’s your job to shut up and deal with it. They’ll let you know the next time your services are needed. They matter. You don’t. The quicker you can come to terms with that the better.

• Here’s another problem I had with the Deadspin article: Kluwe listing all his punting accomplishments. Like any of us gives a shit if your average punt was 44.2 yard and your hang time was 5.8 seconds. Usually when you’re doing your job we’re taking a piss break. Quotes like this: “I wanted to prove I still had the physical ability to compete in the NFL. I can still hit the ball 45 yards outside the numbers with good hangtime, and at the tryouts I’ve had this year I’ve gotten praise from the scouts and personnel people on hand, but for whatever reason I cannot find a job. (Side note: My numbers from last year would put me right in the middle of the pack for this year, and I’ve traditionally been in the middle to top third of punters each year),” further validate my gut instinct that you’re just a disgruntled former employee. And also a complete moron. You’ve gotten praise from scouts for your hang time? Cool story bro. How about the fact you continually kicked to Devin Hester despite the fact that this is a really, really bad idea? How about that stat?

• Kluwe also plays the most replaceable position in the NFL. You know why they called George Harrison the “quiet Beetle?” Because he was the easiest to replace and he knew it. When you can be swapped out for some undrafted idiot off the street and the team won’t lose a beat, you are literally worthless. Best keep your mouth shut and stick to your business for as long as you can. The Patriots have had the best punter in the NFL the last few seasons in Zoltan Mesko, and guess how they rewarded him in training camp? By brining in some kid named Allen who cost one tenth as much as Mesko. Think the Patriots care if Allen averages 1.5 yards less per punt than Mesko? Nope. And Mesko was one of the coolest and laid back guys there was. You went out of your way to make yourself a target and then complain when the Vikings did the same exact thing that the NFL’s most successful franchise did? Looooooser.
• Kluwe also pissed off the supposedly bigoted special teams coach by wearing a patch during the 2012 season to protest the fact that the greatest punter of all time, Ray Guy, isn’t in the Hall of Fame. This tells me that Kluwe just can’t help himself. Sure, maybe Ray Guy should be in the Hall of Fame. Call up your local talk radio show and tell them all about it, because none of us give a shit. Gay marriage, labor disputes, punters in the Hall of Fame? Just another thing for Kluwe to make all about him.
• The biggest problem I have with Kluwe though, is that he’s a punter. I should never, ever hear from a punter or kicker in the media unless they kick a game winning field goal. Punters aren’t really part of the team. They’re hired and very easily replaceable help, kind of like the water boy. As former NFL tight end Nate Jackson said of Kluwe: “Punters are at the absolute bottom of the totem pole on an NFL roster, the very last man. If the team plane crashed on a deserted island, he’d be dinner as soon as the food ran out. Most of them know this and understand that it’s in their best interest to keep quiet.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Kluwe has tried to find work since then, to no avail. He had a tryout with the Oakland Raiders, and even they wouldn’t hire him. The Raiders never, ever pass up on a loud mouthed idiot if he can still play football. There’s 30 other teams in the NFL too. If one of them thought that you provided a service at a fair price that they were in need of, you’d be hired. There’s no conspiracy against you because of your beliefs. Noboday wants you because you’re average and your main concern is drawing as much attention in your direction as you can. You already got on Ellen, what else do you want?

If Priefer really said those things then he should lose his job. Period. So far though every special teams player on the Vikings has come out in support of him. So it looks like you’re all by yourself in your crusade Chris. If you wanna be an activist then go pitch a tent on Wall Street like the rest of the iPad wielding hipsters. If you wanna play in the NFL though, then shut up and kick.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

To follow Turtleboysports via email just click on “Follow” on the lower right hand corner of the screen and enter your email. The hot takes will then be delivered to you hot off the press.