Nudniks

Diesels Of New England Are Back And They’ve Moved On From Blatant Racism To Offering Strange Women $5 For A Trip To Pound Town

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Hey everybody! Remember how on Turtleboy Live on Saturday there was some inexplicable beeping in the background? Someone commented asking “Hey, who’s backing up the big rig?” While hysterical, it may have also been a premonition concerning a Facebook group called Diesels Of New England, and you may remember them from that time we covered how the group seemed to be by and large accepting of insanely racist shit like this:

Today we’re going to be discussing one of their members who has displayed nothing but fine gentlemanly discourse when communicating with the fairer sex, as always.

Just kidding! Y’all know damn well that doesn’t happen here. At this point, it’s nothing for me to yell out “Nobody come in the kitchen, Mom’s editing peen pics!” No one is phased by this, not even me. This is just my life now. Moving on to Mr. Russ Mahler from Fayettville, Ohio…

“I’m the bro…”

He’s got two tickets to Pound Town, you guys! Unfortunately for him no one wants to ride shotgun. Can’t imagine why…

He’s a big boy, too! You can tell by his Pound Town jokes and super big love for trucks that he is in ownership of a gigantic shlong!

That’s everything on his page, a couple terrible hardo pictures of him and a million trucks. This guy hasn’t parked the tuna torpedo in a tampon tunnel since the doomed day he rolled out of his mother like an orange through a tube sock.

The guy does have a lot going on upstairs aside from big rigs as can been see with how he interacts with the ladies. Prepare to be amazed…

I’d drag my dick through a mile of broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie.

The most insane part about this is how it’s HIM sharing it. Usually chicks shame losers like this. Not Russ though. He’s all, “check out what a disgusting pile of jizz rags I am.”

He’s mastered the element of surprise, that I’m certain of. That wasn’t even sent to me and the second I read it my brain just sort of checked out and went on this wild journey of broken glass, bloody penises walkie talkies and passed gas. Bitch caught me off guard, I don’t even know what to do. I need a minute…

OK, I believe I’m ready to proceed…

Russ appears to be a bad boy, with a brash sense of humor. Obviously he hangs out in Drama Of New England – Jerry Springer Edition, because of course he does…

I can’t believe he’s single. According to him and some post he made that went a tiny bit viral, he did in fact get some play but dipped out due to a weird cat, shitty cigarettes and a different cat needing a bath…

I’m not sure how this is “the funniest shit I’ve seen all week” but he got my attention! Evidently, this also brought the attention of the lady he’s talking about, who disagreed…

She got me at “He has a kid…” He does!?

Oh my word…

Looks like he miraculously did get laid at least once after all. One thing about Russ Mahler , he’s definitively not a Facebook father. There’s only one picture of his child and 9 thousand posts of big rigs, because …priorities. There aren’t any posts on his other page either. This begs the question, what woman took a look at this man and granted him admittance to her squish mitten?

Dude’s rocking a John Deere phone case…

You know this is what he sees in the mirror.

This man is a father. Some woman decided it was completely satisfactory to her for him to clean the cobwebs from her rafters and leave a baby in there. I have so many questions, but the guy is such a troll I can’t get any answers. Sending my thoughts and prayers to that there baby.

He’s made quite the name for himself with in this clique for his boyish charms, as you’ve been shown most of his handwork. This is the nail in the douchecanoe coffin, though.

What is that? Not her! The site he’s on! That looks like some sort of dating app, I have no idea what you single people do these days (seems like it’s working well for him so far!). I met Mr. Manchester on MySpace because I’m fucking old and have been married forever, somehow I still manage to get laid more than this poopsmooch. I didn’t know what “Swipe right” referred to until my eldest who’s in her twenties told me, then I grounded her until she was 30. That Tinder thing is gross. She also introduced me to SnapChat which seems perfect for this guy considering that you open the app and dicks fly out at you, thus ruining everyone’s life. Right up his alley. There’s a time and a place, people.

So, he spends his time off from Outlaw Enterprises LLC (believe it or not, is an actual place of business!)

…Swiping left and making fun of other people who just want to get laid. Meanwhile, he sticks to this story of rotten coochie and his comrades cheer him on, definitely without seeming completely fucking tittie bonkers. Definitely. Just completely normal brochat about some chick or whatever…

Worse case I post her number.

That escalated quickly! What does that even insinuate!? If she rejects you you’ll dox her? How much of a wannabe Big Boy Truck lovin’ loser do you have to be to engage in this conversation!? Hey I get it, dudes talk shit about broads. It’s that “locker room” shit everyone’s always yammering on about. Chicks do the same thing, usually far more discretely. We’re fucking vicious to our cores, but we keep it on the down low. We’re secretively evil bitches, the good ones anyway. These are some crazy ass testosterone and diesel fuel injected dudebros carrying on about taking one for the team. That’s fine. At no point should the words “Worse case I post her number.” be uttered. That’s the exact moment shit gets weird, bruh! You crossed the “dudebrodown” stage and went full “creepylemmewearyerface” vibe in like, five seconds! Y’all need to be separated for your own good, and the safety of the people around you. I have some choice GIFs for you…

…Is any of this cool, bros.

Instead of Jean Luc, imagine that’s your parent. That’s how much of an embarrassing asshole you are. Pathetic. So it’s just cool to harass chicks? Let’s ask Lana…

All I hear whenever I see shit like this is Lana Kane belting out “NOOOOOOOPE” in my head. That meat fisted mammary wrangler is my spirit animal. Also, Malory Archer reminds me of the predicament women face today, in terms of safety, and what we can do about it.

I may have gotten side tracked, but my point here is that The Turtle is always watching! You can’t hide from Turtleboy. Why? Because we are all Turtleboy. Every single person you send an unsolicited dick pic to, harass on the internet, belittle in some way… Dudes, you don’t stop to think for a second “Maybe I shouldn’t do this, I might get my spot blown up!” Perhaps you should from now on…

Don’t. Poke. The Turtle. (bruh)

Hit me up! [email protected]

Or on Twitter @MTurtlette

4 Comment(s)
  • RickSalamander
    June 13, 2018 at 4:43 pm

    Russell Mahler is a name famous and synonymous for over 3 generations of douche baggery. His grandfather Russell W. Mahler is known as one of the worst environmental polluters in NY, NJ, and PA. This corrupt fuck dumped millions of GAs of toxic waste as a flunky for the mob. After doing time, PaPA and daddy, R W Mahler 2 get popped in CT for running gas stations with contaminated underground storage systems. The state had to spend millions digging out gas-soaked soil to clean up their mess. Both have also down prison time for skirting IRS regulations. I have read about these numbnuts for years. The kicker, after taking their payoffs on the dole, both cried poverty after they got caught, so the states had to pick up the tab. We can only assume this current douche will leave some similar injury on whatever he touches. Hopefully Krissy is the last to let him put the two-finger oil test to her crotchery! Could be wrong but I think Krystan Lowell is the mother of his kid.

  • TJB
    June 13, 2018 at 12:42 pm

    “since the doomed day he rolled out of his mother like an orange through a tube sock.”… awesome.

    • Hughbo Mont
      June 13, 2018 at 1:38 pm

      Beat me to it. LOL!

      • Manchester Turtlette
        June 13, 2018 at 1:40 pm

        Thanks guys, I try!

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