Hoodrat Heroes

DJ Paris Hilton Somehow Makes The Big E Much, Much Worse Than It Already Is

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We’ve published thousands of blogs on Turtleboy Sports from dozens of writers. Only three of them have eclipsed the 100,000 pageview mark though – Turtleboy Sports invades Buffalo, Busgate, and The Big E. If you’re new to the TBS revolution then you’re probably not familiar with all of these. The reason we bring this up is because the Big E is back in the news. And to be employed at Turtleboy you must HATE the Big E with a burning passion from deep in your grundle. If you want to know why, then please revisit our now legendary Big E blog from last September.

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Anyway, we didn’t think it was possible for the Big E to get any worse than it already is. All those fat bastards stuffing their gullets with fried dough, the long lines in the Statehouse buildings to look at absolutely nothing, the smell of goat shit wherever you go, and the never ending supply of mop salesman make the pilgrimage to West Springfield miserable enough. But somehow they have managed to make Turtleboy’s life more of a living hell by adding the antichrist herself:

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Oh sweet baby Jesus. No. Just no. Here’s the Big E’s press release about Paris Hilton coming to town. Their words are in italics followed by our rational thoughts in bold:

It seems like this could almost be an episode from “The Simple Life,” but, yes, this is for real…Paris Hilton has added turntables and headphones to her accessories and is Western Mass. bound to DJ at The Big E!

Why?? Why is Paris Hilton still a thing??!! Didn’t the Kardashians replace her as the obnoxious rich whores that your wife can’t stop watching on TV?

There isn’t much this “It Girl” turned entrepreneur hasn’t dabbled in. Paris has built an empire in the public spotlight. Since becoming a pioneer of reality TV, she has done it all, from modeling and landing major acting roles to releasing a fragrance line, writing a book and becoming a successful DJ.

I’ll tell you one thing she hasn’t “dabbled in” – abstinence. Newsflash – Paris hasn’t built an empire on the public spotlight. She hasn’t built a public empire at all. Her grandparents built on empire on hotels. She is the lucky sperm, of another lucky sperm. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Paris Hilton’s greatest accomplishment ever was not being aborted. That’s literally the only thing she’s ever done. She has not “done it all.” And just like the brunette version of her, Kim Kardashian, the only reason anyone even knows who she is is because we all saw the video of her getting steamrolled by some schmuck who doesn’t love her. 

So what does a washed up lucky sperm do when she’s been passed over for another group of washed up lucky sperm? Becomes a DJ. Because in 2015 becoming a DJ is a two step process – 1) buy a lap top, 2) download iTunes. Boom. You’re a DJ now. 

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Out of everything she’s done, it seems like the addition of musician to her resume was her most talked about career move. Impressively, her debut album, Paris, reached No. six on the Billboard 200 and sold over 600,000 copies worldwide. The album’s gold certified lead single, “Stars Are Blind,” became a worldwide hit, reaching the top ten in 17 countries. The song peaked at no. 18 on the Billboard Hot 100 and reached No. 1 on the US Hot Dance Club Songs chart. Not too shabby!

Newsflash – when you pay people to play your song, it becomes popular. If Paris Hilton hadn’t been born into billions of dollars, and then banged her way up the food chain, her song would never be heard anywhere. 

Following a long break, Paris returned to the music scene in 2012, emerging from her absence as a DJ. Her first single, “Good Time,” featuring Lil Wayne, was released in 2013, followed by “Come Alive” the next year. The latest single, “High Off My Love,” featuring Birdman, was released in May. Her second studio album is due out soon.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Of COURSE she made a single with Lil Wayne. Because there has never been an entertainer in the history of music whose rise to stardom has made less sense than Lil Wayne. Drake is a close second. But seriously, every song he has ever made sounds like a frog talking about his day. And I love rap music too. But Lil Wayne doesn’t make rap music. Lil Wayne makes terrible music for terrible people, which is why Paris Hilton is such a perfect match for him. 

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“We take pride in the variety of music offered at The Big E every year,” John Juliano, Eastern States Exposition director of Special Events, said. “At the beginning of the Electronic Dance Music (EDM) boom, we had DJ Pauly D perform – a move that proved to be a big success, attracting thousands of fans to the Fair.”

Oh good, she’s following in the footsteps of another washed up legendary “DJ” who is only famous because America couldn’t stop watching the train wreck that was the Jersey Shore. So I guess we know what happens to washed up, talentless sex symbols once they hit their mid 30’s – they become DJ’s and go to the Big E. Rock bottom. 

“When searching for an EDM act for The Big E this year, Paris was an obvious choice. Paris Hilton is a household name and has established herself as a successful DJ, being a favorite in all of the top Las Vegas venues and around the world,” Juliano said.

Paris was an obvious choice? What, was Collective Soul busy that weekend? But yes, technically they’re right. Paris Hilton is indeed a household name. You know, because we’ve all seen her fornicating. There are tons of kids who go to the Big E too. Paris Hilton might as well be Judy Jetson to them because she’s that irrelevant in their world. So how do Mom and Dad explain who that “famous DJ” is? Because at the end of the day she’s not famous for being a good DJ, she’s famous for giving a good BJ. 

Congratulations Big E, somehow you have found a way to take the biggest cesspool of rural trash and make it a million times worse.

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7 Comment(s)
  • Larry Mondello
    July 1, 2015 at 6:53 am

    The Big E. Traffic jams. Not enough parking. Surly, fat bastard sweaty fried dough eaters. Long lines of boredom for the ” nutmeg state.” Cowshit, goatshit, shit mixed with hay and mud. Corndog anyone? Get sideswiped by a 1,000 pound cow. Now the blond skank. If Dante was alive he’d make another circle of hell for this scene.

  • Clubber Lang
    June 30, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    She is invisible in Las Vegas. Literally no place has her DJ. Not even C rate hotel pool parties.

  • COB
    June 30, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Man, I would love to tongue-punch that nasty, used up, loose-and-sloppy-but-loaded-with-dough fart box! 😀 😀 😀

  • RSoxGuy
    June 30, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    Almost 4,000 votes on the poll and not one comment?

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      June 30, 2015 at 7:18 pm

      It’s the same poll from the original, legendary Big E article.

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