Turtleboy Investigates

Drinking Your Own Sweat Out Of A Face Diaper At Planet Fitness Will Stop The Spread Of Commie Cold For Sure


The gym gives people a necessary mental break and is good for you physically for a variety of reasons. Just 0.06% of COVID transmissions occur in gyms, so there’s no reason to close or regulate them more than they are now. But because Charlie Baker is petrified of liberals demanding he “do something” about the rising COVID case count, he mandated that people doing cardio at the gym must wear masks. Prior to that you just had to wear them when you were lifting weights. Since no one is within 6 feet of you on treadmills this is completely unnecessary, but they did it anyway.

So yesterday I was at Planet Fitness, judgment free zone, because if I didn’t exercise I would become a fat piece of shit and a COVID wet dream. I have to wear the stupid mask now and by the end of every workout it’s just a soaking wet piece of cloth. Sweat weighs down the mask so it constantly falls below your nose and you have to adjust it. On top of that I can literally feel my breath going out the sides of the mask now instead of in front of me, which goes directly towards other people on the side. All this is doing is increasing the spread and forcing people to drink their sweat, which I guess is following the science.

Anyway, the mask Nazis at Planet Fitness come around and make sure you have your mask on at all times. About once a day they come over and tell me to pick mine up after I take a drink of water or try to wipe sweat off my face. In order to make sure the mask stays on I do this thing where I bend the top of it and cover my nostrils while folding the bottom up resting it on my chin. It worked fine until yesterday when they came over and told me that they’d be cancelling my membership if my mask fell again. So I took a quick video to show the world how ridiculous, unsanitary, unnecessary, and unhealthy this stupid fucking mask rule is.

This is what people have to do at the gym now in the name of public health. Notice the mask is so drenched with sweat that it can’t stay up without constantly touching it.

You can see the mask inflating and delating like a blowfish every time you breath as the carbon dioxide goes back into your mouth. I’m just waterboarding myself with my own sweat as I struggle to breath.

Anyway, I’m not a doctor or a governor so what the hell do I know? But it seems like telling people to drink their own sweat in order to solve a problem that doesn’t exist at gyms isn’t gonna fix shit. Just sayin.



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58 Comment(s)
  • Sal O’Mal
    January 5, 2021 at 3:21 pm

    The WHO myth busters web site makes an explicit recommendation against masks while exercising. The Catch 22 of course, is that Charlie Parker would use this as an excuse to shut down gyms completely.

  • Aiden is neutered
    January 5, 2021 at 9:56 am

    File this one under “The pussiest shit you ever read on the internet.” Fuckin sackless dipshit.

  • Can’t make this shit up
    January 2, 2021 at 2:56 am

    Aren’t you the idiot who pissed and moaned over the summer that you wouldn’t run outdoors with a mask on because it ‘violated your civil liberties’? Didn’t take much for you to bend over. Guess those liberties aren’t very near and dear to you after all. On the plus side, at least with a PF membership you have access to a hot shower, lord only knows how much longer you and your dirty dick will be welcome in the home your wife pays the mortgage on. Happy New Year, may 2021 bring you all you deserve and more!

  • Judge dread
    January 1, 2021 at 9:55 pm

    I’ve been watching xfiles and twilight zone episodes for the last 4 hours, fucking lysergia hang over. This entire thing is retarded and gay. Gyms and mass in general (I live in NH) are a battle ground. Our rights do not end with Karen’s fears.

  • Turtles Against Rona
    January 1, 2021 at 11:29 am

    You fucking dolts! Don’t you know the majority of the cases are spread within households. Not bars, not restaurants, not gyms. That is where you catch it. Then bring it home. And give it to the other members of your household. So smarten up. And stay away from your house. Problem solved.

    • An urgent message from Charlie Baker
      January 1, 2021 at 12:29 pm

      Hello everyone Governor Baker here. I have just received shocking news from medical professionals on facebook telling me the science says most Covid19 infections take place in the home. Beginning Sunday January 3rd 2021 at 5pm all homes will be closed until further notice. This is a necessary step to get back to phase 3 step 2.

      I have directed health officials and police throughout the State to ensure homes are closed by turning off the water and utilities to all homes and arresting anyone within 500 feet of a home. We will be opening community shelters in all closed schools, gyms, restaurants and businesses. Please do not bring any firearms, illegal drugs, pets or children under 5 or adults over 50 to these locations. Thank You and remember to vote Baker in 2022!

  • John Mc Clane
    January 1, 2021 at 11:17 am

    Lmao go to a real gym faggot.

  • Jordis
    January 1, 2021 at 9:29 am

    I used to use a Breathing Resistance mask when working out before my heart my heart condition. Now I can’t even take walking around a store wearing a damn mask. No matter how I can show my implant scar or a “doctor’s note”, my gym won’t let me workout mask free.
    Canceled membership and got a Peloton.

    January 1, 2021 at 8:09 am

    Fuck planet fatness. Cancel your membership before they cancel it for you. This is completely retarded and makes no sense. Ask them if you should wear a mask in the steam room and pool too. Baker and the rest of the communist governors around the country are a bunch of hypocritical pieces of trash. They all have private gyms they can use at any time, without masks. The rest of the peasants like us have to worry about mask police while we’re being suffocated. What a fucking joke.

  • Please Stop
    January 1, 2021 at 12:35 am

    Please you little faggott tell me what Gym and what time you’ll be in the parking lot so I can stop you from entering the gym.
    It’s not the people like me who go to the gym that are the problem.
    We all just want to do our exercises and stay healthy but now there are you little Douche Tubers walking on a treadmill for half a minute and then walking around with your mask around your neck trying to make a confrontation video.

  • Doctor Fauci
    December 31, 2020 at 9:24 pm

    “There’s no reason to be walking around with a mask,” infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told 60 Minutes on March 8, 2020.

    “While masks may block some droplets, Fauci said, they do not provide the level of protection people think they do,” CBS News reported at the time. “Wearing a mask may also have unintended consequences: People who wear masks tend to touch their face more often to adjust them, which can spread germs from their hands.”

    “Right now, in the United States, people should not be walking around with masks,” Fauci asserted.
    “There’s no reason to be walking around with a mask,” the infectious disease expert told “60 Minutes.”

    “While masks may block some droplets, Fauci said, they do not provide the level of protection people think they do,” CBS News reported at the time. “Wearing a mask may also have unintended consequences: People who wear masks tend to touch their face more often to adjust them, which can spread germs from their hands.”

    “Right now, in the United States, people should not be walking around with masks,” Fauci asserted.

    • Holiday Inn Fauci
      December 31, 2020 at 10:43 pm

      Thats because I’m not a real doctor dumbasses. I did stay at a holiday Inn though. Americans are stupid as fuck these days. Put a “smartphone” in their pocket and they suddenly think they are the smart ones.

  • max suggestions haaa
    December 31, 2020 at 9:06 pm

  • the Science seems to be lacking in science
    December 31, 2020 at 9:01 pm

    Wear one of those industrial plastic shields made for machinists they do nothing to filter air but neither do most masks. I see clowns working in retail stores wearing the clear face shields like they’re about to cut a muffler off a car.

    You can have some fun with different mask styles until they finally throw you out, a scuba mask with a snorkel, a 5 gallon water bottle over your head with a breathing panel, a fish bowl, a WWI style gas mask. Do a series.

    Orwell’s 1984, Dr Fauci “nobody should be walking around with a mask on”.

  • Gym Nazis, cancel my membership please!
    December 31, 2020 at 8:52 pm

    Quit Planet Fitness, any time you hear bullshit like HATE FREE ZONE or something like that it’s a dead give away that you are at the center of crazy hate filled whack jobs.

    Run through the streets of Main South carrying a gym bag, nobody will question it.

  • Frank
    December 31, 2020 at 7:49 pm

    They follow science and data I thought? Fuck planet fitness, this is exactly why the elites want cooperations they are easier to control

  • Mask Styles
    December 31, 2020 at 7:47 pm

    There are different mask wearing styles now that masks are main stream.
    The mask above the mouth but below the nose in a gym setting is called “The Cock Gobbler” it’s very popular in California.

  • Spic Tormentor
    December 31, 2020 at 6:19 pm

    Wow dude you actually dress up like that to go to Planet fitness and jog on a treadmill?
    What’s your next caper? Maybe dress up in a little league uniform and sneak into a game this spring?

    • Yawn
      December 31, 2020 at 10:48 pm

      Pathetic effort

  • Im on the Team Yay Me
    December 31, 2020 at 6:00 pm

  • Main south Woodsman
    December 31, 2020 at 5:00 pm

    At least you stopped sucking seamen out of the used scumbags at the Jewish cemetery.

  • President Harris
    December 31, 2020 at 4:55 pm

    This is all about control and the destruction of America as you knew it.
    To all the morons that think 2020 was the worst of it and that at midnight
    tonight everything is rainbows and unicorns…Get fucked…You have not seen anything yet.ALL FREEDOMS AND PLEASURABLE EVENTS FOR 2021 HAVE BEEN CANCELLED ALREADY!

  • Small Business Fan? Or No?
    December 31, 2020 at 4:37 pm

    Hate to be the bearer of bad news, TB, but if you can’t breathe while wearing a mask you’re fucking out of shape. Also I love how you go to bat for all the small business owner gyms and then go to Planet Fatness. If you really want to support the local outfits why not join up?

  • Kang & Kosos
    December 31, 2020 at 4:37 pm

    Foolish turtle, spouting lies of visiting what you earthlings call GYM! We have witnessed you in your hole in which you call “basement” and televise gurbled nonsense through our atmospheric sound waves. We have recorded your sentiments while witnessing you “polish your pewter” whilst calling out to the heavens that you are dominant species amongst turtles and all humans while you prematurely ejaculate onto your video screen. We will continue to follow your story and call you out when we feel the correct time is relevant for your minions to be told the truth!

  • Fuck masks
    December 31, 2020 at 4:29 pm

    Crunch fitness is the same way. They walk around telling you to pull up your mask but they can’t fill up the toilet paper in the stalls. I have almost passed out a couple times and to be honest I hope I do pass out one day. I will hire Attorney Richard N Vulva and own these fuckers.

    Next time someone at the gym asks where my mask is I’m going to say I had to wipe my ass with it. Go fill up the toilet paper dispensers you cocksuckers.

    • Why??????
      December 31, 2020 at 5:14 pm

      …did the glory hole get overstuffed. Maybe you should work on your pie hole muscles?!?

  • HOAXdemic!
    December 31, 2020 at 4:24 pm

    Just keep ventilators and body bags on hand and OPEN THE GYMS!

  • Fass Coupe
    December 31, 2020 at 3:31 pm

    Is there a live show tonight at 9 or has it been back burnered because its too close to midnight?

    • Dick Clark
      December 31, 2020 at 5:26 pm

      No. He doesn’t plan on his balls dropping tonight

  • GC_Gangsta
    December 31, 2020 at 3:27 pm

    I hope for your sake you really need to do laundry. That shirt has “only in an emergency” written all over it

  • Masshole report back in1 day
    December 31, 2020 at 3:08 pm

    I actually got nothing here, TB is spitting to the sky and his own fans are taking a dump on him, my x mas came a week late, but I’ll take it!

    I will just say I still find the fact Jaja’s article still up disrespectful, but Know TB is not respectful or a professional to admit a lot of that info is wrong.

  • Jane Goodall
    December 31, 2020 at 2:50 pm

    Fascinating choice of workout attire. Good Heavens!

  • Gym Bag Walton
    December 31, 2020 at 2:04 pm

    Gyms were for playing basketball.

  • MistaShift
    December 31, 2020 at 2:00 pm

    This is why I quit Planet Fitness months ago. If they can’t stand up against illegal government regulation by the Baker Nazi squad, then they don’t deserve my money. Fuck ’em.

  • Calm WhiteDad
    December 31, 2020 at 1:03 pm

    Planet Fitness? Followed by a trip to Wal-Mart and a big online shopping spree at Amazon, I’m sure.

    All these big corporations are the fucking problem and you’re literally funding and supporting them

    Am I the only one that sees the huge contradiction here?

    • Luke Fondleberg (Deez/Doze)
      Luke Fondleberg (Deez/Doze)
      January 3, 2021 at 1:13 am

      The point is valid, however, the edicts of Premier Baker have put most local businesses on ice or out of business, thus forcing our hand.

  • Take your mask of in the showers at planet fagness
    December 31, 2020 at 12:55 pm

    Serves you right for even being a member of planet fagness .
    An inadequate and queer friendly based gym

  • BLM Supporter
    December 31, 2020 at 12:43 pm

    Is that Team Jamaica basketball jersey to let black people know you’re one of the good white people? BLM Team Turtle

  • Bike Shorts Gary
    December 31, 2020 at 12:39 pm

    I love the sexy Team Jamaica tank top TB.
    That and a pair of bike shorts definitely doesn’t scream I love jungle dick!

  • randiguy2006
    December 31, 2020 at 12:37 pm

    Funny how you rail against all the regulations…then submit to them like all the sheep.

    You’re such a total fraud.

  • Fucking Beggar
    December 31, 2020 at 12:35 pm

    Oh shit if they do cancel your membership you’ll have a story about how Planet Fitness is anti free speech and ask everyone to donate money to you.

  • The Truth
    December 31, 2020 at 12:31 pm

    The mask isn’t why they want to cancel your membership.
    Just like pretty much every decent respectable business and person in America they want nothing to do with you and your cunty ways.

  • Narcanista
    December 31, 2020 at 12:30 pm

    You don’t join Planet Fatness to exercise. You join it for the hot shower and sauna action. Stop trying to shit me, I know better. BTW. Which Planet Fitness do you go to? Does it have a steam room?

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Big Mike
    December 31, 2020 at 12:27 pm

    Barry and I have personal trainers that come to our house. I do a lot of squats

  • Lmao
    December 31, 2020 at 12:18 pm

    My favorite TB posts are the ones where he tells on himself for being an enormous bitch

  • randiguy2006
    December 31, 2020 at 12:17 pm

    Planet Fitness? I guess donations are really down.

    Go run outside you big whiner. I did 5 miles yesterday. No mask.

  • randiguy2006
    December 31, 2020 at 12:12 pm

    Awwwwwww poor baby. Life is so unfair to you.

    This whole “woe is me” schtick is so tiresome.

  • P C
    December 31, 2020 at 12:04 pm

    oh and also – splurge for a membership at a different club. Planet Fitness doesn’t even have dumbbells last I checked; it’s a cardio factory so of course they’re going to police everyone on treadmills, especially after the new year. Go to a different gym where they don’t have as much staff wasting their time on this nonsense and pull your mask down every few minutes for some fresh air if no one is around.

    • It’s me
      December 31, 2020 at 12:27 pm

      They’ve always had dumbbells they don’t have barbells idiot. Judging from your knowledge you need to hit the gym.

    • ???
      December 31, 2020 at 5:34 pm

      No Dumbells? How did Aidan sneak in?!?

  • bigdaddy
    December 31, 2020 at 12:02 pm

    Doesnt sound like they are judgment free any more

  • Duck dicked donkey
    December 31, 2020 at 12:00 pm

    Fuck the gym. Beat your feet down the street, dummy.

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    December 31, 2020 at 12:00 pm

    I like your shirt. Is it from the 3rd world shithole collection?

    • The Battle Of Aéropostale
      December 31, 2020 at 3:34 pm

      How dare you!

  • hartf811
    Filthy Animals
    December 31, 2020 at 11:53 am

    Quit bitching. You wont have to go through this again for 100 years.

  • P C
    December 31, 2020 at 11:52 am

    I tried last week after the snow on a treadmill for 3 miles. Use a gaiter mask, it’s better than one you strap to your face because most of the sweat falls around the neckline.

    Also – it’s never too cold to run, just bundle up, and wait for 6:30-7am when there’s just enough light to make it bearable. Consider driving to industrial parks where there are wide shoulders on the road and run in and out of parking lots if you have to, to keep away from traffic. Whatever you have to do to be comfortable running outside. Short of an insane amount of snowfall making it impractical, I will not be running on a treadmill much at all this winter.

    • Dick hurts from listening to a guy in holden
      December 31, 2020 at 5:08 pm

      Well tell that to your retarded breathe out before the asscrack of dawn with no reflective gear and a love for running in the when there’s God damn sidewalk. I’m just waiting for the day when I see one on the side of the road dead like a deer or squirrel. Good riddance. My guess is tb blew all the fags on the rail trail by his house so he has to search the locker room at PF for the next salami.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Old Tom Morris
    December 31, 2020 at 11:51 am

    Go run outside you dumb fuck. Yesterday was beautiful.

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