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You might remember The Fall River Creepster, aka Dan Astle, from earlier this week. He’s a pretty gross guy who likes to send dick pics and creepy messages to random women who have all rejected him.
You know, if he had sent that to fully grown woman who was receptive, not only could it have been sweet, but also sexy as fuck! But he didn’t, he sent it to an underage girl so he’s a twat boxing creepy kangaroo with terrible grammar.
He’s attracted a shit ton of attention in the group Threw Up In Fall River for being the town body hiding psycho and suspected 15 year old girl lover.
Bwahaha! You people are complete savages and I love every single one of you!
Well, Dastardly Dan garnered so much attention that my pal over at The Blue Lou Show took notice and decided to give Captain Creepster a call. I like Blue Lou’s style, he just found some numbers and started calling this guy out. I wouldn’t have been anywhere near as nice as he was and would have called Dan a cunt no less than 7 times within the first five minutes. I’m not a nice person. At the 4 minute mark, the fun begins.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that the guy stumbled through the answer every time he was asked about the 15 year old, he caps it off with stating that he “doesn’t know” if he sent a dick pic to a 15 year old. He even mumbles about a “15 year who doesn’t look 15”! No red flags there! I’m sure he would make a great babysitter, just make sure your girls aren’t of menstruation age if you don’t want to be a grandparent just yet.
Now, I am not one to stir up trouble or anything (Hahahaha! You be quiet, Lori!) but I really felt that I needed to get down to the bottom of this. I needed to investigate and get the story straight from the hung-like-a-hamster’s mouth. I really wanted to know just what the hell Dan was up to, so I messaged him with our new Facebook account that you can follow. The conversation was more revealing than I could ever hope for!
As you can see, things started of pretty normal for a guy who’s as nutter butters as Danny Boy. However, immediately after the semi sane conversation began things took a sharp turn towards the absolutely fucking daffy and absurd.
I had no clue what the shit he was talking about, all I could decipher was that he was gonna get me! I was fucking terrified! I may have peed myself a little bit! After this, I crawled up into a ball and sucked my thumb for about 40 minutes, crying like a child he would like to make love to.
Just kidding! You see, when people start talking like this you can pretty much rest assured that in no way, shape or form are you in harm’s way because the micro-penised “man’ you’re taking to is obviously insane and not very smart. Besides, as I stated in my last blog, I legally own guns and the only thing that scares me anymore is the price of bullets and practice range memberships these days. Them shits are getting expensive!
Gee, that escalated quickly! This right here is some Buffalo Bill Silence Of The Lambs shit. Sorry Dan, I’m not a size 14. Dan then launched into the most bizarre and oddly specific threats ever. Right of the bat, dude it’s gonna blind me, rape and humiliate me, then remove my limbs, replace them surgically so that I suffer more. Bat shit little bitch.
I know now that I should not have questioned Dan’s intelligence. You see, Creepypasta King is apparently a former KGB super hacker spy guy. Obviously! He is King detective in the land of crazies and he’ll be god damned if anyone is going to usurp his throne!
Seriously you guys! I really shouldn’t have questioned the man, he’s also an experienced internet lawyer! I’m in real trouble here! I’m so getting fired for being a liability now, my life will never be the same. I don’t even think Richard N. Vulva Esq. will take my case here, he can take them to pound town with the biggest out there but he can do much for a clam like me. Dick N. Vulva would shrivel under deranged Dan’s demands! This is the end of of Manchester!
Ok, so I think we can all agree that this guy is nuttier than a squirrel turd that was eaten by a shit house rat. I’m also pretty sure given all the evidence that the guy also sent pictures of his Tiny Tim to teenaged girls. I think we can also agree that this is the face of a complete lunatic.
Also, Dan can build robots to do silly shit like monitor Facebook for him. He’s so smart you guys! He knows everything and how to build everything and how to hide bodies everywhere and how to kill people remotely and he probably knows that I’m writing this right now! I need a tinfoil hat, an off the map bunker and some Huggies stat! It’s no use, he’ll find me with his super smart hacker skills and internet robots!
So I guess this is it for Manchester! If you never hear from me again it’s because Dan found me via my IP address, waited outside my non-existent office, eye gouged me, raped me, cut off all my limbs, sewed them back on, tied me up and is slapping my dead parents, somehow. I had a great run! See you on the other side my lovelies, I will miss you all! In lieu of flowers please send whiskey as I’m sure my family will have to drink away the pain of my death. Just ask Dan for my address!
Wanna gouge my eyes out and skullfuck me? [email protected]