On today’s episode of “Growing up River Rat”, we have this beloved childhood memory memorialized on film, from New Bedford Live:

Who doesn’t have found memories of beating the brakes off bitches in front of an auto parts store while mom shouts out words of encouragement like the Section 8 version of Mickey Goldmill?

Before finally executing her specialty finishing move, The “A&B on a minor wig snatch”.

And then sternly marching off with her litter of crotch fruit in tow to purchase some celebratory ice cream sandwiches on EBT.

This is the pinnacle of Fall River parenting. Forget teaching your daughter how to cook, or garden, or even drive – these are not skills you need in the Rivah. Teach her how to drag a trick by the hair. The solid foundation upon which every model citizen is built. Clearly. This one is turning out to be a well-spoken and intelligent young line, brimming with self respect and class.

Naturally, Junior Miss Mayhem didn’t take too kindly to the title of “Hoodrat” being appointed to her mother/boxing coach and quickly went ALL CAPS NO PUNCTUATION #freemuhma all up in hurr.

Sorry, homegirl, but we found your mama. And the results say she is, in fact a hoodrat. And you’re well on your way, too, thanks in great part to her stellar influence.

I don’t know what else you’d expect to spring from the loins of this level of velociratchet, however. This is the face of a woman who refers to her monthly foodstamp allotment as part of what she “makes”, regularly tells her kids that their daddies aren’t shit, and meets all of her boyfriends over at Narcotics Anonymous meetings. FACKS.

Anyway, it is the official position of Turtleboy Sports that a parents job is to love, nurture and teach children important like skills like non-violent conflict resolution and how to properly spell the word “you”, instead of approaching the job like it’s the WWE.