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Today was Father’s Day. I will forever be indebted to my father for giving me the best gift a father could ever give his son – a magical turtle. Other people aren’t as lucky though. Generally if your Dad is involved in professional sports, entertainment, or politics, chances are your Father’s Day is a little more complicated. With that being said, here are the top eight worst Fathers in sports, entertainment and politics.
9. Steve Nash
Steve Nash might seem like a nice guy on the court, but he’s pretty much white trash with a jump shot. Nash divorced his ex-wife in 2011 when he was living in Phoenix and playing for the Phoenix Suns. Since then he’s moved on to play for the Los Angeles Lakers, and has taken up residence in California. Although he’s made over $140 million during his 18 year NBA career, Nash somehow is not required to pay child support. He says he doesn’t want to pay because he doesn’t want his three kids to be spoiled with “crazy luxuries.” Well, his wife is trying to move to California where the child support laws are different. But somehow Nash finagled a judge into issuing a restraining order against her so she can’t move there. I had no idea men had this much power in custody battles. Look, I saw Mrs. Doubtfire and Robin Williams was completely fucked over by his wife when she starts dating James Bond and picks her kids up early on weekend visits. Apparently you only have to dress up like an old lady and become a nanny if you’re not filthy rich and you don’t play for the Lakers.
8. George Foreman
Foreman is generally considered one of the good guys in sports – particularly in boxing where most of the big names are complete pieces of human garbage (see Mike Tyson, Floyd Mayweather, etc.) George was always a friendly SOB, and even became a minister and the main reason that college kids could make grilled cheese sandwiches. But he liked to spread his seed around. He had ten kids with five different women. Fathering this many kids with that many women doesn’t put him at the top of the list when it comes to professional athletes. But the fact that he named ALL FIVE of his sons George, and one of his daughters Georgetta is an ultimate dooshnozzle move that has yet to be matched by any professional athlete.
7. Marv Marinovich
Marinovich’s own father served in the Russian army and amputated his own arm, so Marv’s chances of being a compassionate and loving father were small to begin with. Marv was an All-American lineman at USC, who went on to live every father’s dream: marry an attractive woman, father a strapping young boy, and treat him like a test-tube baby in order to ensure he becomes the greatest football player in history.
That test-tube baby was named Todd, and he turned out to be one of the best high school quarterbacks in the country. When he garnered national attention Sports Illustrated found out about robo-baby and did an expose on him. Here’s an excerpt:
“He has never eaten a Big Mac or an Oreo or a Ding Dong. When he went to birthday parties as a kid, he would take his own cake and ice cream to avoid sugar and refined white flour. He would eat homemade catsup, prepared with honey. He did consume beef but not the kind injected with hormones. He ate only unprocessed dairy products. He teethed on frozen kidney. When Todd was one month old, Marv was already working on his son’s physical conditioning. He stretched his hamstrings. Pushups were next. Marv invented a game in which Todd would try to lift a medicine ball onto a kitchen counter. Marv also put him on a balance beam. Both activities grew easier when Todd learned to walk. There was a football in Todd’s crib from day one. “Not a real NFL ball,” says Marv. “That would be sick; it was a stuffed ball.”
So they’re not completely insane. It’s not like they gave their one week old child a REAL football. They gave him a fake one. Duh. And what infant doesn’t want to go through physical conditioning and chew on frozen kidney. Chill out Sports Illustrated.
Not surprisingly, just like every kid who has been sheltered his whole life, when Todd discovered booze, drugs, and alcohol he loved it so much but didn’t know how to handle it in moderation. Towards the end of his stellar career he failed his first of many failed drug tests to come, started failing all his classes and was drafted into the NFL (ahead of Brett Favre)….by the Raiders.
Generally when you’re drafted by the Raiders your career starts going downhill fast. That’s exactly what happened with Todd Marinovich. He failed drug test after drug test, and even started doing LSD because for some reason it didn’t show up on drug tests. Soon he was banned from the NFL and his career was over. Good thing Dad didn’t let him eat any cake as a kid.
6. Travis Henry
The former Buffalo Bills running back was one of the best in the NFL during the early 2000’s. He just wasn’t very good at practicing safe sex. George Foreman may have father 10 children, but Henry fathered 11, with 10 different women!!! Beat THAT George. Despite the fact that he made millions of dollars a year to play a game he decided that none of that money should go to the children he created. Unfortunately for him the courts thought otherwise and he was arrested and ordered to pay annual payments of $177,000 per year.
The problem was that his career was over by then so he had to find a more creative way to make that money. Naturally he chose cocaine distribution, and like most drug kingpins he eventually went down. He’s currently serving a ten-year stint and will be greeted with $4 million in fines when he gets out of the slammer. Looks like Henry’s kids are gonna have a pretty shitty Father’s Day.
5. William Ligue Jr.
What better way to show your son how much you love him then getting drunk at a baseball game and leaving in handcuffs after beating the shit out of a defenseless and older member of the opposing team?
One can only assume that William Ligue Sr.’s parenting tactics went horribly wrong somewhere along the line. Ligue Jr. made national headlines in 2002 when he and his 15 year old son ran onto the field at a Chicago White Sox home game and began beating first base coach Tom Gamboa.
Surprisingly Ligue III did not go on to graduate high school with honors, get a college degree and settle down. Nope, he decided to keep bragging about it on his Myspace seven years later. Apparently he decided that he was fit to pass his seed on as well as his profile says he was “anticipatin” the birth of his “shorty.” It also has a picture of the father-son bonding while beating the crap out of Gamboa with the caption, “ME AND DAD FUCKIN UP THA COACH FA THA KANSAS CITY ROYALS.” Not surprisingly he makes liberal use of the “N” word and has started a record label called “Drama Causin Records.”
William Ligue Jr. must be a very proud father.
4. Antonio Cromartie
Henry and Foreman are mere ameteurs in the baby-producing game. The New York Jets cornerback has fathered 12 children, with eight women, in six states. That’s a resume right there. Here’s a quick run down from Cromartie himself…
What’s more impressive than just having all of these kids out of wedlock, is the fact that so many of them are three at the same time. Also, the choices of names is pretty unique. Can’t say I’ve met too many kids named London or Jersey. And not only can he name them all in less than a minute, he also knows several of their birthdays. If Cromartie could make it to six different states on Father’s Day it would be quite a feat. If not, the check in the mail still makes him a better dad than Travis Henry.
3. Jim Pierce
You know you’re an a**hole of a father when the USTA has a rule named after you. Mary Pierce was a tennis prodigy from the 80’s who was coached by her Dad. Jim claimed that he shot 700 serves a day at her and kept her up until midnight, or usually until she cried while most kids were learning how to ride bikes. When she was 12 her Dad was banned from his first tournament after he yelled at her to “kill the bitch” when she was playing another 12 year old Russian opponent, prompting her to throw her racket at her Dad in the stands.
Jim’s constant berating of the officials and verbally abusive behavior towards his daughter at matches prompted the USTA to cut ties with Mary. So the Dad did the only logical thing and moved to France, where she ended up making the French Olympic team in 1992. At the games he yelled at her so much as she walked off the court after a loss that she started crying and he went and crashed his rental car.
Later at the French Open in 1992 when she was knocked out in the 4th round, Jim punched two fans who were rooting for her opponent, threw an equipment bag at her as she left the court, and berated and slapped her in the parking lot. She began to hate tennis and started losing on purpose. Then at the 1993 French Open he brought her to scout an opponent. When he saw her talking to her cousin Oliver, he did the only logical thing and choked out Oliver in front of everyone.
In 1993 Mary decided it was time to cut ties with her Dad, who was literally using her as a cash cow. Her Mom divorced him too. Not surprisingly he started following her around to tennis matches illegally and every stadium had his mugshot posted on the “do not allow entrance” list.
2. Jerry Remy
As we’ve written before, Jerry Remy isn’t completely to blame for the fact that he raised a psychotic murdering asshole who thinks it’s ok to to beat the shit out of women who don’t give him everything he wants. But the fact of the matter is that his son had a serious and well documented history of beating and threatening to kill women in his life, and Jared Remy was rewarded for this behavior by leniency from judges and the best lawyers money could buy from his father. So he never, ever even contemplated that what he was doing was even remotely wrong. Then when Jennifer Martel wanted to get a restraining order against her children’s monster of a father, Jerry and his wife urged her not to. The next day she was killed. Jerry had a sick and demented son who needed more attention from his parents. Instead he just got him a job at Fenway so that Jerry could keep saying “Beunas Noches Amigos” every night at 7:05. So yea, Jerry Remy is a really shitty father.
1. John Edwards
John Edwards is easily the worst father alive today. He’s worse than everyone else on this list combined. John Kerry’s former Vice Presidential running mate began having an affair with his campaign worker Rielle Hunter in 2004. Apparently he wasn’t taking lessons from Bill Clinton, who managed to keep a stable full of dimes without becoming anyone’s baby daddy. Edwards wasn’t so lucky and fathered a child that he visited frequently.
Edwards admitted the affair, but decided he would deny being the father’s child, despite the fact that the child just happened to be born nine months after the affair was in full swing. So instead of just calling her a liar, he decided to get his campaign aide Andrew Young to take one for the team and say he was the baby daddy. Apparently Edwards didn’t think that it would look bad for his political career if he admitted that he was participating in orgies with two of his campaign workers, but that it WOULD look bad if he ended up fathering a child out of it.
Oh yea, and the whole time his wife Elizabeth was dying from breast cancer. This was great news for Edwards because he used it as a way to string along the obviously very intelligent Rielle Hunter by promising to marry her with a rooftop New York ceremony after his wife finally died. Oh yea, and Dave Matthews would be playing!!! Edwards even told Young to get the doctor to fake the DNA results and steal one of the baby’s dirty diapers so he could find out for himself if the baby was really his.
So instead of just manning up and admitting what he did, he decided to steal the giant dumps from his baby momma’s baby so he could prove something that he knew was obviously a lie. All while pretending to care about his dying wife and run for President against Barrack Obama in 2008. Oh yea, and he was using campaign funds from millionaires (you know, the people that democrats hate) to cover it up.
Did I forget anyone? Feel free to share your thought or comments to keep the conversation going.
Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.