Friday Night 2 AM At Foxwoods Is People Watching At It’s Finest

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Foxwoods Resort and Casino can be a spectacular land of debauchery and enchantment, particularly on the weekends. The Turtleboy Sports crew took a trip down to lower Connecticut this past Friday night. Join us in our magical journey.

We play poker when we go down because it’s the only game where you have a fair shot. In poker you play other human beings. In every other game you’re going against mathematical odds that are guaranteed to pay out in the house’s favor the longer you play.

Basically everyone in the poker room is a loud-mouthed know it all who wants to regale you with the bad beat story about the time some dingleberry called them with Queen-4. Most of the regulars are giving their third marriage the spice it needs by leaving their wives home alone for the weekend.

Now I love poker, but if Mrs. Turtleboy wanted to sit behind me and watch me play poker for four hours I’d lose a ton of respect for her. Do you understand how boring poker is to watch if you don’t know what’s going on? At least if you watch it on TV you can see the cards the people have. But there is NOTHING more degrading than forcing your girlfriend to watch you play poker. It’s boring as shit. Just ask this girl:

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Unfortunately, there are always a few women in the Foxwoods poker room who got dragged along for the ride. Generally these women have no self-confidence or anything else to do, so they can afford to give up hours of their leisurely time to sit behind their man like a stray dog. Like this babe:

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Killer outfit right there. So THAT’s what happened to my discarded bed sheets. The thing about the casino is you get free drinks while you’re playing, because they want you to get drunk and think you have a fighting chance. But what if you’re watching someone play? Do you get free drinks too? This wonderful woman certainly thought so. After not getting her free drinks fast enough she tracked down the drink lady and berated her before getting cut off. I’m sure this was DEFINITELY her first time getting cut off. Definitely.

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Apparently this upstanding young woman disagreed with the waitresses’ assessment. Naturally then she gave the waitress the “Webster treatment,” which involves swearing at them before being dragged away by your boyfriend and forced to watch more poker.

After that we went upstairs to what most of the regulars refer to as the “Asian room.” Generally this room is covered in a cloud of smoke and everyone is playing strange table games that incorporate the word “dragon” into them. That and dominos. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone who isn’t Asian playing dominos at Foxwoods.

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After that it was on to the biggest sucker room in the whole place – the slots!! There’s a reason these things take up more square footage than any other game. Because unlike blackjack where you can make an educated and calculated choice whether or not to hit or stay, slots are a lot more mindless and thus profitable for casinos. They are literally programmed to take your money.

Yes, I know some moron out there right now is reading this and saying, “Screw you turtlefucker, I made $550 on a quarter slot machine one night. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Newsflash – you’ve lost at least double that since then. Why do you think slots have all those cool sounds and lights? Because they’re distracting you from the fact that they’re stealing your money.

There is definitely a pecking order of stupidity at the casino, and the dumbest people in the whole place are the ones playing the slots. It requires no thought whatsoever, and unlike back in the day, you don’t even get to pull down a lever. Now you just sit there aimlessly pressing a button until you go broke and have to tell your kid that he’s going to go to the finest college……..….on West Boylston Street.

This is the first time I’ve ever been to the casino and haven’t seen someone playing the slots while hooked up to a breathing machine. I felt robbed. You literally see this every time you go. But it doesn’t matter what time of the day or night you go to the casinos, because at the slots you will ALWAYS find tons

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and tons

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and tons

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and tons

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of old people though.

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Some people have brought up the idea of having a slot parlor in Worcester. Dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. Slot parlors suck and only dodos will go there. Don’t we have enough dodos in Worcester as it is? Do we really need to invite every slack-jawed yokel from Webster to make the commute UP 395? Foxwoods acts like a magnet for this people that draws them AWAY from Worcester. Do we really need thousands of guys like THIS trying to navigate through Kelley Square?

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Roulette is another game where you find some hilariously stupid people. I love playing roulette because it’s simple odds. Eighteen of the 38 numbers are red, and 18 of them are black. But it’s the two green ones that fuck you over. You get paid $20 if you bet $20 on red or black and win, but you have slightly less than a 50% chance of winning. That’s how casinos make money.

Nevertheless it’s a simple game to understand, as long as you recognize the fact that every spin is a completely independent spin from the last one. You have no idea how many nudniks out there don’t understand this very simple concept. Ya see casinos like Foxwoods are sheisty. They put up this pole that tells you the last 10 or so numbers that have come up. What this does is it gets Joe Schmo from Long Island to say, “They’ve had seven reds in a row. That means there’s a really good chance it’s gonna be black this time. I’m doubling down!!”


Obviously this is not true. But try explaining it to these geniuses and you leave there with a popsicle headache. Then right on cue the ball rolls around and lands on green double zero.

Foxwoods has three major casinos in it, so to get from place to place you have to walk around. But there are other methods of transportation. Just like Disney World, Foxwoods will accommodate your fatness and drive your ass around so you can blow more of your hard earned money.

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It never amazes me the people you will see walking around a casino at 2 in the morning. Most old people I know are passed out after catching the early bird special at Val’s. Old Balls can’t even stay up to catch the Bonanza reruns. But the old people at Foxwoods have special, magical powers that allow them to feel like they’re 22 again. This lady right here keeps it real:

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Then there are other elderly couples on romantic dates:

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Walk a little further and you will find balding men with retired smokeshows and you will say to yourself, “I’m sure she loves him for his personality.”

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You’ll walk by the “club” as well, which is playing incredibly loud and terrible music so that the shallow people inside won’t figure out that they have nothing to talk to each other about. These places are the worst. I hate going to them more than anything because I hate giving the bouncers the satisfaction of knowing that I need their permission to go inside. There’s nothing worse than a nightclub bouncer on a power trip. Nothing. The bouncers at these Foxwoods clubs are the worst of the worst because they wear suits:

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Newsflash – anyone who has to wear a suit to work and isn’t making six figures is a chump. You think these guys get paid vacations? Nope. They’re cheap, easily-replaceable labor. And since they’re all morons all you have to do is tell them that they have to wear a suit to work, which they pay for out of pocket of course, and they could care less that they’re paid less than RBG makes on unemployment. As long as they feel empowered, that’s all that matters to them.

And if you’re a young woman at Foxwoods going to the club, you have to dress like this:

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The only people who wear dresses like this outside of Foxwoods are Kelly Bundy and her friends who helped me discover myself back in the 90’s. But in the Woods, every junior smokeshow is looking her best in the hopes of becoming some high-rollers prize at the dominos table.

You’ll see tons of other cool people down there too. Like this guy:

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That guy has so much soul he doesn’t know what to do with it. The casino is also a great place to take a baby for a 2 AM stroll:

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It’s also a great time and place to bring your family for a little post-roulette wrestling.

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I’m not kidding when I say that you will see a small gaggle of children outside every casino at Foxwoods, who are playing without a care in the world as their parents recklessly blow away any chance they had to go to college. Sorry kids, looks like you’re gonna be working in the family restaurant for the rest of your lives!!

Finally we left the casino around 2:15. To get back to the Woo you gotta take this long, winding road for about 10 miles until you get to 395. And you will almost always get stuck behind some dooshnozzle going 25 mph. But if you leave at the time we do, there’s a good chance you’ll see some really entertaining drunk driving. Like this DUI machine, who we had the pleasure of slamming on our brakes for the entire ride:

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Once we got onto 395 and he decided he would take up both lanes going 45 mph, we decided it was time to call the state police. We followed him all the way until exit 87 when he realized something was up. So he got off the exit, turned down a one way street and we never saw him again. Luckily there is no one to kill in Plainfield, CT.

The bottom line is, Foxwoods is awesome, but I’m glad it’s an hour away or else I’d be there every day. The end.

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15 Comment(s)
  • Douche Nozzle
    June 5, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Sit at a slot machine. Somewhere close to the aisle so you can “people-watch.” Put int $10. Spin once every 10 minutes. Order drinks. Profit on free liquor.

  • Matt brown
    June 4, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    Exit 87 or 88 doesn’t have one ways. Exit 89 in moos up does

  • Harry Ballsagna
    June 2, 2015 at 11:58 am

    You’re a piece of shit. Stop reaching for lame material. Ragging on senior citizens? Hope one day someone knocks you the fuck out and puts you in your place.shouldn’t be long dress since someone posted your identity a few weeks ago.

    • June 2, 2015 at 2:08 pm

      So come do it tough guy. Ill meet you at whitco. Same time. Same rules.

      • Harry Ballsagna
        June 2, 2015 at 3:39 pm

        Na, karma has a way of punishing little weasels like you.

        • BJeezy
          June 2, 2015 at 10:02 pm

          Pretty classic bitch out right there

  • Mousy
    June 2, 2015 at 9:02 am

    I remember when that place was just a little bingo hall in the woods. Do they even still have a bingo hall??

    • katie
      June 4, 2015 at 10:45 am

      Yes. They have a very large bingo hall.

  • lol
    June 2, 2015 at 5:58 am

    turtleboy snitched

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      June 2, 2015 at 6:59 am

      TB absolutely did the right thing by calling CT State Police. Someone that can’t stay in their lane is a danger to themselves and more importantly to others. It’s that simple.

  • Dracis
    June 2, 2015 at 1:30 am

    Pretty soon you wont have to drive to South CT. Springfield will have MGM up and running in 2017 I think.

  • Drylaw
    June 1, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    Don’t forget the teenage Asian kid stuck babysitting the gaggle of kids while the parents are living it up eating in the international room in between hands of pai gow and the dominoes

    • Finnish Goalie
      June 2, 2015 at 4:38 am

      There’s always a group of older Asians that stand behind you during BlackJack taking unofficial bets with each other too.

      Annoying, but on busy nights, no one tells them to move along.

  • Finnish Goalie
    June 1, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    Certainly an exceptional place for the occasional galavant.

    Maybe once a year or so.

    On a serious note, just get a room and enjoy yourself. No need for intoxicated driving.

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