Here’s Turtleboy’s 2016 NFL Playoff Predictions. Because sometimes we blog about sports.
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Special treat for followers of Turtleboy Sports – we’re gonna write a blog about sports. MAFW (might as fucking well) since the playoffs start today. Here’s Turtleboy’s playoff prediction for the final 11 games of the season….
Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans
Doesn’t matter who wins this game. All they’re doing is fighting for the right to get creampied by Tom Brady. But the Raiders blow without Derek Carr. They’re playing a suckbag rookie quarterback who is gonna get eaten alive by Jadaveon Clowney and company. You know you’re fucked when you go into a game and the other team has an advantage with Brock Osweiller at quarterback.
Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks
The Lions are the Lions. They’re perpetually terrible. When they make the playoffs they lose in the first round. Because that’s what you do when you have a talented but mistake prone quarterback like Matthew Stafford. This is a team that had to lose all three of their final games in order to not win the division, and that’s exactly what they did. Meanwhile Seattle has been to two Super Bowls, winning one, AND won a playoff game as a 7-9 team and nearly beat the top seeded Falcons when Russell Wilson was a rookie. Oh yea, and they’re playing in a stadium full of yahoo fans that was specifically designed to make them sound louder than they are. The Lions are fucked.
Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers
Another waste of time game. Everyone knows the Steelers are gonna destroy this team. One team has an All-Pro two time Super Bowl champ, the best receiver and running back in the game, and they’re home. The other has Ryan Tannehill’s backup. Slaughter.
New York Giants at Green Bay Packers
This is the only game worth watching this weekend, and it’s a great matchup. If the Giants win this game they’re going to the Super Bowl. Mark it down. But they’re not gonna win. No one is playing better than Aaron Rodgers right now. Plus the Packers are at home.
Seahawks at Falcons
Everyone’s gonna like Atlanta in this game because Matt Ryan had an MVP-type season. But it’s fucking Atlanta. There’s absolutely no way their crapbag, swiss cheese defense is gonna stop Russell Wilson. The hawks are experienced. The Falcons aren’t. These two met in the playoffs four years ago and Seattle had it won in Atlanta, but Pete Carroll gave the game away. Not this time.
Texans at Patriots
Not even gonna waste time talking about this. Close your eyes and imagine Brock Osweiller and Bill O’Brien coming into Foxboro and winning a game at Gillette against a well-rested team with the greatest QB and coach of all time, with more weapons than ever. You can’t. Next.
Steelers at Chiefs
Awesome matchup. Genuinely torn on this one. Kansas City is the only stadium that rivals Seattle as far as tough places to play. But the Steelers are always a tough out in the playoffs, and have the stars. Then again Alex Smith is a reliable quarterback who isn’t gonna fuck it up. Although their coach might. Honestly, this game is a coin flip, and might be the only one Turtleboy gets wrong.
Packers at Cowboys
What a freaking matchup this is gonna be. Remember this?
I still say that was a catch. The refs said otherwise. The Packers have been a nice little story, winning their final six games to get in. And the Cowboys defense is pretty easy to throw on, which is good news for a throwing team like Green Bay. But just like the Seahawks, the Cowboys will get their revenge and go onto the NFC Championship. Plus, Tony Romo won’t be around to fuck it up this year.
Seahawks at Cowboys
Everyone’s down on Seattle this year because they looked like shit at times and won the crappiest division in football. But Turtleboy believed in Russell Wilson. There’s something special about this guy. He doesn’t have Matt Ryan or Aaron Rodgers talent, but he ALWAYS makes the big play when you need him to. The Cowboys were a great story this year, and they’d be big favorites in this game. But it ends in the NFC Championship.
Chiefs at Patriots
Technically this is when our season really starts. Everyone knows that. The regular season is a warmup. But usually during a regular season there are red flags or injuries that make it understandable when we don’t win the Super Bowl. Not this year. This year is like 2003-2004 all over again. Those teams went 14-2 and got better as the season went along. Those teams had had a whole bunch of toys for Brady to lean on. So does this team. Those teams had playmakers on defense. So does this team. Those teams had Bill Belichick. So does this team. Those teams would never lose a game to a team coached by Andy Reid. This team would never lose a game to a team coached by Andy Reid.
Super Bowl 51
Seahawks vs. Patriots
Rematch!! As much as I’d like to think we blow this team out, that’s just not how we win Super Bowls. It would be awesome to facialize this team, and we should, don’t get me wrong. But that’s not gonna happen. We can only win Super Bowls when Tom Brady takes over games and makes legendary plays in the 4th quarter. And that’s exactly what’s gonna happen. Except this team can’t trust Gostkowski to win a game for them, so TB12 is gonna have to put together a game winning touchdown drive in the final two minutes and they’re gonna win 24-21. Then he’s gonna take the MVP trophy, stick it directly up Roger Goodell’s ass, and tell the world that he’s generally aware that Roger’s bunghole is gonna sound like an asthma inhaler every time he walks from now until eternity.
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