Geniuses Who Made Sex Toy Vending Machine Are The Smartest People Who Ever Lived

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Via Philly Mag: Local entrepreneurs Vaughn Sandman and Dean Kitagawa are the brain children behind a new sex toy vending machine, which they are billing as the first of its kind in North America. They describe the concept behind it on their website: “PinkBox believes that sex should be exciting, fun, and safe. As consenting adults, there is no wrong or bad way to enjoy yourself or each other. …Sex is nothing to be embarrassed about. We all do it (when we can) and we all think about it (the rest of the time). PinkBox is proud to be in the business of helping our customers explore and enjoy their individual sexuality.”


As soon as I read the headline the entrepreneur in me began screaming at the top of my lungs. “Oh my god I hate myself for never thinking of this.” Such a simple concept and yet YOU FUCKING HATE YOURSELF FOR NEVER THINKING OF THIS YOURSELF!!! Sex, liquor, and cigarettes have always been among the most outwardly sought things over the past 100 years and many times the government has tried to restrict us in some way, shape, or form. Yet every generation finds a way to provide for their fellow man and woman and this generation is no different. Vaughn Sandman and Dean Kitagawa are now this generation’s pleasure prohibition runners and as we speak you’re wondering when one of these will be near you.

That’s right boys and girls everyone’s favorite indoor activity, mixed with a touch of your grandfather’s generation of bar coin serviced cigarette machines, combined with the hustler’s work ethic is going to make these two entrepreneurs MILLIONAIRES. Admit it you absolutely hate yourself for never thinking of this yourself…I know I do. Such a blatantly obvious idea that’s right in your face and you never thought of it!

My prediction is within 2 years you will have one of these in your neighborhood and you will be swiping your debit card to purchase a product as well. I mean can you imagine the financial possibilities of the inventor putting one of these machines by the yellow line as you’re waiting for the subway? I mean the yellow line already has a highly notorious reputation of morally casual behavior but for as little as $5.99 you can now make her look past your shortcomings (pun intended) and actually make her believe that it’s okay that you’re a grown ass man taking her home via the subway because you don’t have a ride. She will overlook the fact that she has to sit by the crazy woman with Tourette’s syndrome that shouts random things because she knows even if you cannot make what she wants happen, the toys in the machine can.

As we speak I’m picture placing one of these by any major college campus with this thing being loaded at 5 PM Friday and being empty Saturday morning. Perhaps the machine will have a sign like on your local corner mailbox regarding the refill time. I picture everyone from your super creepy guy who walks into an adult toy shop in a trenchcoat in the middle of summer, to your quiet librarian who barely speaks to a man never mind feels his touch just lining up to get whatever device seems to bring joy to their life.

And let’s be honest these machines are more convenient and less embarrassing for the average buyer. You don’t have to worry about the awkward looks when Sally Student wants to buy her favorite 10 inch double sided jellydong with every creepy guy in the place smiling, staring, and making her feel like she needs to hold mace in her hand walking out of the store.

And Mr. Bizarre Fetish fan doesn’t need to worry about those “discretely brown packages” that are sent to his doorstep which the mailman and everyone who sees it knows what it is and forever gives you strange looks from that day on.

No my guess is you will soon have an app on your phone with the locations of the nearest pleasure machine and begin donating your weekly paycheck to it. Perhaps it will be like the machine with the claw where instead of a stuffed animal your girlfriend wins a device that she will find superior to you.

Seriously WHY THE HELL DID I NEVER THINK OF THIS??? So Vaughn Sandman and Dean Kitagawa I give you a tip of the cap for your creativity, your vision, and financial aspirations. I will forever ask myself why I never thought of this everytime I see a PinkBox. Not only will it be a reminder to men that you need to keep your game up or your replacement is a 5 minute walk and a debit swipe away; but it will forever be a reminder that the one thing humans think of more than anything else could’ve made you a millionaire and the whole time you only thought of it as a machine to get a Pepsi or a stuffed animals.

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6 Comment(s)
  • June 20, 2015 at 8:33 am

    Undeniably believe that which you stated. Your favourite reason seemed to be on the internet the
    easiest thing to consider of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people consider concerns that they just do
    not realize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and also
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    other people can take a signal. Will probably be again to get more.
    Thank you

  • TurtleBoySpurts
    May 29, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Now THIS is the kind of important, hard-hitting journalism that suits TBS. This is making a difference in the community. Next up, it’s time for the weekly TB fundraising campaign, to solicit donations so TB can buy one of each item in the vending machine. In exchange for your charity, he’ll write a follow-up article where he’ll reveal the brand of lube he prefers when taking the Falcon Phat Boy for a ride up the old Hershey Highway, and recommend which sex doll is the best choice for your average, love-lonely Turtlebot.

  • Buff Boy
    May 28, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    I cannot believe that you missed a take on the name “Sandman.”
    Sorry, fail, dude.

    And no deflate gate jokes here? OK, maybe too soon.

    Other than that, solid job. I’d give you another trial shot.

  • Clive Mc'turtle
    May 28, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    Good job, Good effort

  • BobnMic
    May 28, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Nicely done Buffalo Turtleboy, well written and yet I feel stressed on the reality of this concept. My swagger just got a bit deflated. I’m only semi-cool now as apposed to being wicked cool.

    • Brian Foll
      May 28, 2015 at 6:26 pm

      A mans tsunami of swagger can never be contained lol

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