If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy:
Pro tip – if you’re gonna sell your crap on Facebook Marketplace, make sure you get rid of your used syringes in the background before taking a picture of it.
Although the toilet paper is a nice touch of class.
This is Alyssa Louden, formerly of Plymouth, Rhode Island, and Greenfield.
As you can see, she has mastered the art of the bathroom selfie, along with the art of wearing fupagami.
Was curious about what that needle was in the background so Clarence decided to put an offer in for another item to find out the dilly.
Oh right, an insulin needle for Pops. Totally believable. Does this look like the kind of chick who would forget to move her dirty syringe and toilet paper before posting on Facebook Marketplace?
And in case there was any doubt what the needle was being used for, I present to you her Facebook page in all its glory.
Let’s start by going back a few years. Back in 2013 she was on top of the world.
Calling out ratchet bitches like it was going out of style.
Seeing as she’s not-ratchet, she’s earned the right to cast judgement on others. It’s not like she’s ever left a dirty syringe in a picture she posted on Facebook Marketplace before.
Later that year she fell in love and had the local neighborhood children commemorate it with a tattoo featuring birdies, clouds, hearts, and of course a tic tac toe board.
Shockingly things didn’t work out, and that masterpiece had to be covered up by another tattoo.
What a tragedy. Who would ever let someone like this go?
She’ll be “longing” for that face for an eternity. There’s nothing sexier than a man who looks like a post-impressionist painting ripping down a Newport.
And although it didn’t work out between them, at least he left her with a parting gift in the form of a raw dog trophy.
I for one am shocked he rocks the flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat. Shocked I tell ya.
Unfortunately for her, but luckily for the child, the system had other ideas.
I can’t imagine how such a fine creature would ever risk losing custody of her crotch fruit.
Luckily she’s got a GoFundMe for that.
I'm raising money for Help me get my son home . Click to Donate: https://t.co/lystCQJcuJ via @gofundme
— alyssa louden (@lyssababii92) May 12, 2016
Turns out Jar-Jar Stinks might not have been kinky enough for her.
To the shock of no one, court is a recurring event on the agenda.
And her friends are even more cultured than she is. They’re all experts at court.
“The judge is a bitch she wont care if I didnt get served she did it to two of my friends already.”
“Well then you say I know the law and I’ll sue. Make sure you use that no fucks given attitude i know you got.”
It’s just that simple. You show up to court, tell the Judge you’re going to sue them, let them know you’ve run out of fucks to give, and then BOOM – not guilty.
Looks like she learned a lot from court last year too.
Her new man appears to be more diverse than Jar-Jar Stinks, which evidently gives her free reign to liberally use the n word as she so pleases.
And in her most recent relationship announcement she got into a verbal spat with another ratchet over who rode her ex Jamal’s dirty dick the hardest, but she blocked her ratchet rival so it appears as if she’s speaking hoodrat to herself.
Nevertheless the crew came in to defend her honor.
Good lord, this is new level ratchet folks. And she’s from the mean streets of Greenfield nonetheless. Either way, if you want a Wii for mad cheap give her a buzz. If you toss in some food stamps you might get a free syringe and some toilet paper out of it too.
24 Comment(s)
I’m pretty sure her actual dad is also dead I shouldn’t laugh, but he was a piece of shit that told my 15 year old sister to self harm and kill herself so the trash Apple doesn’t fall too far from the trash tree. Shout-out to Clarence for being the MVP here
I want to thank you for this article. I have a week old baby and the father wants this woman around her because they’re a thing. This all validated reasons I said no. Thank you so much TBS.
Best FB comment goes to : Celina Marie – “Why the long face…???”
Dunno where things went wrong for her….its fairly well known in ratchet circles that a guy with FUCK tattooed across his knuckles is excellent husband and father material.
What a squid; he reminds me of the freak named, “Long Neck.”
This bitch got engaged to Sid The Sloth from Ice Age!
Demented and sad…..
That beanpole boy toy of hers looks exactly like “‘Til Death,” the retarded horse Peter Griffin purchased at an auction in Louisville, Kentucky.
My good fellows,
May I proffer a solution to this dilemma?
I have obtained quite a supply of these blankets*, and for a small bit of remuneration, I could offer them to you, and you could distribute them to the unfortunate and the needy, like the woman portrayed in this narrative. The blankets would give them comfort and the wherewithal, perhaps, to spring eternal.
*Said blankets may or may not be infected with smallpox
Ohmyfriggingod I can’t stop peeing my pants. Not sure if it’s your comment, or the incontinence. Either way, well done, sir.
Comments like this make me REALLY miss the ratings buttons. Priceless.
In a perfect world, someone would sneak into both the Monster Energy Drink factory and the Hennessy cognac distillery and dump some chemicals in the vats that would render men who drink it impotent. Enough of these parasites already, enough.
Looks like her new man has a kid of his own from a different mom. He looks pissed in that family photo where they made him wear the winter hat.
Wow! That guys face is longer than the skid marks on his Calvin Klein underwear! She is the perfect Pig Bitch. She talks like a street rat. She throws the Biggs word around like she’s straight outta the Sudan. She’s a drain on the system, and I guarantee she squeals like a pig. Total Pig Bitch
WTF is a “corn”?
A corn looks like a wart on the foot, usually on the outer toe.
In ratchet talk, a corn is a cornball, someone who acts corny or like a loser.
Get hip.
Randalllllll, get fucked!
Such a fine upstanding woman! The dates in these screenshots don’t always display, doing some simple math suggests that during the time her Son (who she loves more than anything, btw) good ol’ Alyssa (Needles) Louden was having herself a good ol’ time.
4 arrests in RI for Domestic Violence, and one was a felony. The kid is the only one that has a chance…
It’s an insulin needle!!! Which gives me a steady supply of only once used needles!!! You say toilet paper…. or is it a roll of tv screen duster for better wii gaming and porn watching followed by you know clean up?
When random friends are going to court on the same day but at different locations… You might want to reflect on your own choices and your actions, or is this the life you dreamed of.
You people are mean. Alyssa is good peeps man. So what, she may spike a little dragon every once in a while. She is a stand up chick who will always do favors for a friend. I had a major wad blockage once and she helped me get rid of that thing like it was a eggplant parm platter in the North end. She inhaled my manhood and didn’t even flinch. She did hit me up for a couple bags of dope and a saw buck after, but hey, I give that to my hooker girlfriend’s for a BBBJ with GFE so giving it to a friend is not skin of my rod. If you guys keep taking shots at her, karma will get you. Get your fucking facts straight, she has never donothin, and god only judges. Also, you refer to her like she is fat. Have you seen her lately? The hype diet has her down to about 98 lbs. And the cool thing is, she still has those massive fun bags and still has enough energy to clean a gravy skin boat with the precision of a Revere hooker. Give her a break man. Billsie Baggz
Bruh you say 98 pounds without losing the fun bags, she’s the crack whore of my dreams, in the 90’s had one like that in a Florida trailer park, I was in love but she OD’d or was murdered or got locked up.. anyhow. This must be love or some shit, I’ll pay $20.
The substance of your ratchet defense is gold. But you have to have way more spelling mistakes. And throw in the occasional unintelligible sentence. Then you’d have the authentic “only God can judge” response.
Damn I suck at spelling but these people are on a new level!!!!
Why do fat broads wear crop tops? Nobody sees your gunt and thinks, “I wanna stick my dick in that sentient bag of cheese curds.”