Guaranteed Fanduel Divisional Round Winners From Turtleboy

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All I can think about right now is football. Couldn’t sleep last night. If the New England Patriots somehow lose to the most despicable, classless organization in the history of Western civilization, the Baltimore Ravens, then I am going to get emasculated on social media. Every person we’ve ever run afoul of is gonna come out of the woodworks like a cockroach to rub it into my turtle’s face. I’m kind of happy the Patriots get to go first though. Take care of an easy win and relax the rest of the weekend and watch my Fanduel teams.

If you’re still really into fantasy football I feel bad for you. Fantasy sucks because you’re stuck with the same idiots all season long. I’m addicted to Fanduel. It’s a million times better because you get a new team every week. You can make as many different teams you want based off of a salary scale, and do head to head, three player, five player, 10,000 player, or whatever type of league you want. If you’ve never played before and you wanna make some quick money this weekend then pay close attention to the ultimate Turtleboy Fanduel team for the NFL’s Divisional Playoffs.


Russell Wilson (8200)

Russell Wilson

Aaron Rodgers seems like a sure thing at 9700, but his injury concerns me. Andrew Luck (9600) is gonna throw for at least 3 TD’s tomorrow, but you don’t wanna blow your Fanduel load on him. Peyton Manning (9100) sucks and anyone who takes him is an idiot. Cam Newton is cheap (7700) and so is Joe Flacco (78) but those guys are gonna get destroyed. Tom Brady is pretty solid, but for 9100 I’d just as much go with Luck.

Wilson is ranked 6th out of 8 quarterbacks in salary (8200). Plus the Seahawks are guaranteed to win and he’s gonna have something to do with it. Fanduel only counts throwing touchdowns for 4 points, so a running quarterback who can score with his feet is worth more than normal. Because there’s only eight teams to choose from, you’re gonna have to save some money in some places to buy some guys who aren’t complete degenerates in other positions. Wilson is reliable and saves you cash. He’s a no-brainer.

Second choice: Andrew Luck (9600) 


Running Backs

There are four running backs significantly more expensive than everyone else – Demarco Murray (9000), Marshawn Lynch (8900), CJ Anderson (8700), and Eddie Lacy (8400). You can’t really have two of them because you’re gonna need the money later. To me Lynch and Lacy are your best bets. I just can’t imagine a situation in which Lynch doesn’t run train on the Panthers. And Lacy is a fat bowling ball who is as consistent as it gets. Anderson I love, but having Ronnie Hillman back makes him slightly less appealing than the others for the same money. Demarco is good, but on the road I’d rather have one of the other two guys. So I took Marshawn Lynch. 

marshawn lynch crotch grab

For the other RB you gotta go cheap. To me there’s only two options here – Den Herron (6100) and Shane Vereen (5200). Picking a Patriots running back against the Ravens is pretty much as risky a move as you can make, since the Ravens have the best set of fat bastards who can stop the run in the NFL. But Vereen catches the ball too and could get some dump offs here or there. The Broncos should be able to stop Herron from running too, but he had 10 catches last week. Another thing with Herron is I expect at least 50% of players to use him, which kind of defeats the point of taking him. At the same time if he goes off and everyone else has him except you, then you’re pretty fucked. He’s just a million times safer than Vereen and less likely to put up a goose egg. At the end of the day I went with Dan Herron. 

dan herron bengals game

Second choices: Lacy (8400), Vereen (5200)


Wide Receivers

There are six players here you can blow your Fanduel load on – Demaryius Thomas (9100), Dez Bryant (9000), Jordy Nelson (9000), Randall Cobb (8600), Emmaneul Sanders (8500), and TY Hilton (8400). If you take more than one of these guys you completely fuck yourself in other spots, so you can really only take one.

The Packers have the worst pass defense amongst remaining teams, so I like Dez Bryant. I had a tough time picking between him and Nelson, because a) Nelson is at home, and b) Nelson doesn’t have to count on Tony Romo to do well. But at the same time Dez doesn’t have a Randall Cobb to take touches away from him, and when he explodes, he explodes. Thomas and Sanders likewise take touches away from each other, so I actually like TY more than both of them.

dez bryant memes

Julian Edelman at 7300 is a must play. The Ravens can’t defend the pass and they’re gonna be keying on Gronk. This makes for a monster setup for Edelman. You don’t want any of the Ravens receivers (Torrey Smith 7000, Steve Smith 6600) because you can’t pass on the Pats. Kelvin Benjamin is out of the question because Dick Sherman is on his ass. And Brandon Lafell just isn’t as reliable for the money (6800).


You’re gonna have to take a chance on a cheap ass guy at some point. And there’s a couple appealing ones. Cole Beasley gets touches every single week and at 5300 he’s a steal. But I’ve already got Dez so that won’t work out. Terrence Williams at 5800 also will be competing with Dez for touches. He’s a threat to score multiple times, but when he misses he misses hard. I like Doug Baldwin for 5900. He’s a #1 receiver who consistently catches 4-6 balls a game. For the money he gives you reliability. Plus it’s always smart to tag-team QB-WR combos on your team and I’ve got Wilson so it’s even more orgasmic when they hook up for a score.

Doug Baldwin

Second choices: Hilton (8400), Beasley (5300), Nelson (9000), Williams (5800).


Tight End

Obviously Gronk is the guy you want here for 7900. Greatest tight end ever, and it’s not even close. But you’d have to sabotage your RB’s or WR’s to get him and I think you can do without. Greg Olsen at 6200 has been letting me down week in and week out for a while now, plus he’s going against Seattle. Don’t take anyone who is going against Seattle.

I like two guys at Tight Ends. One is Julius Thomas. I know he hasn’t done shit in months, but he’s still Julius Thomas and he’s really cheap at 5500. Compared to some of the other chumps in his price range (Jason Witten 5500, Coby Fleener 5400, Owen Daniels 5100, Dwayne Allen 5000) he is the only one who you wouldn’t shit your pants if he went off for two touchdowns. But as much as I like Julius, I like Worcester’s own Richard Rodgers even more, at the bargain basement price of 4600. He once scored 57 fanduel points against Fitchburg High School back in 2010!! Then he had five catches in his last game against the Lions. Aaron Rodgers obviously likes him because he’s going to him more and more. Most importantly the Cowboys are DEAD LAST in fantasy points given up to tight ends this year.


Second choice: Thomas (5500)



Kicker is a crapshoot but I’ve seen it time and time again decide Fanduel games. They all cost between 4500-4800 so it doesn’t really matter their price. Just take the guy you think will have the most opportunities to score. To me that’s one of the guys from the Indy-Denver game. Connor Barth (4700) has been on fire lately so he’s my choice.


Second choice: Mason Crosby (4600)



Ultimately you want the defense that has the best chance at scoring a touchdown. It’s hard to predict that, but I’m assuming that at least 75% of people in your leagues are gonna take Seattle (5200). What’s not to like? Vegas has the Panthers over/under at 13 points. They’re only in the playoffs because they won the crap-happiest division in football and then beat the Ryan Lindley Cardinals. The Seahawks should eat them for lunch at home. If I was $200 short though I wouldn’t hesitate to go with the Patriots. Flacco loves to chuck the ball deep and see what happens. That worked against chumps like Leigh Bodden and ghosts of Patriots past, but it ain’t gonna work against Revis and Browner. They’ll pick him off twice, but the Seahawks are just a much safer pick.

legion of boom

Second choice: Patriots (5000).

So there it is folks. Your guaranteed Fanduel winners of the week. (Winners not guaranteed)

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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