Guaranteed NFL Playoff Predictions From Turtleboy Sports Staff

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It turns out the New England Patriots and Bills Mafia do have one thing in common – neither knows what it’s like to play on Wild Card Weekend. The real playoffs for us don’t start until the AFC Championship. With that said the the Turtleboy sports department writers have released their picks for both this weekend and the entire NFL playoff predictions. As the Alpha Turtleboy I’ve given these idiots nicknames that people have called me since we started pumping out hot takes – Turtleturd, Turtledick, and of course Turtlefucker. I’ll give you my can’t miss playoff predictions and explain to you all why the other writers are still my Turtlebitches. Here’s mine:


Wild Card Weekend: Ravens over Steelers, Bengals over Colts, Panthers over Cardinals, Cowboys over Lions

Divisional round: Patriots over Ravens, Bengals over Broncos, Packers over Cowboys, Seahawks over Panthers

Conference Championships: Patriots over Bengals, Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl: Patriots over Packers

Patriots memes

  • Ravens-Steelers is by far the best game of the weekend and the only game I thought twice about. It’s gonna be high scoring because neither team can defend the pass, but ultimately I have no faith in a team led by a grown ass man with a chin strap. Ravens take this one.
  • Panthers over Cardinals kind of seems like a no-brainer. Only three other times have teams with a .500 record or less had a home playoff game. Every time they’ve won. And the Cardinals might be the worst 11-5 team in NFL history. Panthers all day.
  • Think about this for a second – either Tony Romo or Matthew Stafford is going to win a playoff game on Sunday. Odds are that Stafford is morel likely to fuck up so I love Dallas in this game by at least 2 touchdowns. And the defense will score at least once so take them if you play Fanduel.
  • Speaking of quarterbacks who have never done shit someone has to win the Andy Dalton vs. Andrew Luck showdown. I like the Ginger but only because he has a much, much better team. The Colts are a pretty fake 11-5 since they get to play the Jaguars, Texans, and Titans twice each. The Bengals meanwhile have beaten some really good teams this year.
  • Patriots over Baltimore is a divisional round no-brainer, as is a Seahawks win at home against the Panthers. I’d like to take the Cowboys at Green Bay, but my head explodes when I try to think about the possibility of Tony Romo going into Lambeau Field and winning in January. There’s just no way that’s possible. The game I really like is Cinci over the Broncos. Peyton Manning is done. Garbage right now. The Bengals just beat the Broncos a couple weeks ago and I think they take this one.
  • Patriots over Bengals might be the easiest trip to the Super Bowl in NFL history. Meanwhile Green Bay at Seattle is an ESPN Classic. Ultimately I think Aaron Rodgers is the only quarterback in the game who can go into that place and slice up the legion of boom. Won’t do him much good against us in the Super Bowl because under no circumstances is Bill Belichick losing to the same team in the same year twice. Finally we get the duck boat parade we’ve been waiting 15 long months for. We deserve it because we are the chosen people.



Wild Card Weekend: Bengals over Colts, Steelers over Ravens, Cowboys over Lions, Cardinals over Panthers

Divisional round: Broncos over Steelers, Patriots over Bengals, Seahawks over Cardinals, Cowboys over Packers

Conference Championships: Patriots over Broncos, Cowboys over Seahawks

cowboys memes

Super Bowl: Patriots over Cowboys

  • Nothing stands out here except of course for the Cowboys picks. Like I said, if you think Tony Romo is going into Green Bay and winning a playoff game then I want what you’re smoking. You might find some guys down at the needle exchange program who think Dallas can win in Green Bay and Seattle on back to back weekends, but no rational person actually believes that. I see what Turtleturd did here though. If Dallas somehow makes it to the Super Bowl he’s the genius guru and he gets a promotion to Assistant to the Regional Blogger. When they don’t no one remembers this and he goes back to fetching my coffee.



Wild Card Weekend: Steelers over Ravens, Colts over Bengals, Cowboys over Lions, Cardinals over Panthers

Divisional round: Patriots over Colts, Broncos over Steelers, Seahawks over Cardinals, Packers over Cowboys

Conference Championships: Patriots over Broncos, Packers over Seahawks

Super Bowl: Patriots over Packers

peyton manning memes

  • Turtledick is the loudest person I’ve ever met in my life. He’s the only person in the world who can yell over the music at Leitrim’s. But like I told him yesterday before he started screaming at me, you’re on crack if you think the Steelers, Colts, and Cardinals are winning this weekend. Other than that his picks are pretty solid, although like I said, I think Denver loses at home in the divisional round to whoever they play.



Wild Card Weekend: Ravens over Steelers, Colts over Bengals, Panthers over Cardinals, Cowboys over Lions

Divisional round: Patriots over Ravens, Colts over Broncos, Packers over Cowboys, Seahawks over Panthers

Conference Championships: Patriots over Colts, Seahawks over Packers

Super Bowl: Seahawks over Patriots

seahawks memes

  • Turtlefucker isn’t making videos for us anymore, but earlier this season he predicted that the Bills would beat the Patriots at home this year. His guru status is unquestioned at this point. But his weakness is his infatuation with the Seahawks. He gets a huge chub just thinking about that team. Obviously no one would be surprised if the Seahawks won the Super Bowl. They’re the only team who can possibly beat the Patriots. But like I said, they’re not gonna get there anyway. His big upset pick is Indy of Denver. I like it. If that happens then the torch for third best quarterback in the NFL has officially passed from Peyton to Andrew Luck.

Anyway, this HAS TO BE the year for the Patriots. If you can’t win it with the greatest secondary in team history and a healthy Tom Brady and Gronk then it’s just not happening. I think I want them to win partially because it would be awesome to see them win a 4th Super Bowl, but mainly so we can shove it down Bills Mafia’s gullet. Because when you’re a Bills fan the playoffs are out of the question so your only joy comes from watching the Patriots lose. Those people don’t deserve happiness. God loves us and hates Buffalo.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Comment(s)
  • JD Davis
    January 3, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Turtledicks divisional match is fucked, he has ravens losing to the steelers but then has the Ravens playing and losing the following round to the pats.. other than that great picks.

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