WTF

Guaranteed This Needle Found In Chicopee Kid’s Halloween Candy Was Put There By The Kid

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Looks like we’ve got ANOTHER candy hoax on our hands. This time it’s from Chicopee, where some kid “found” a needle in his Milky Way:

chicopee

LOL. Nice try kid. There is a 185% chance that some kid did this himself for attention. It’s all the rage with kids these days. Children love attention. Children are dumb. Children do dumb things. But they only want a LITTLE attention. That’s what the kid in Auburn planned. Unfortunately for kids, they are dumb and they don’t realize how big stories like this will get. Only a matter of time until they come clean.

How could a needle possibly come end up in there? Does the evil neighbor process bite size Milky Way’s in his basement? Because I’m not a scientist, but I’m struggling to find a way in which the creepy guy next door could get that needle into the candy bar without completely giving himself away. When the kid went to the house was he handed the candy bar with a taped up wrapper and cut in half candy bar? If not, then it’s literally impossible to get the needle in there. If you wanna pursue it with whoever the manufacturer was then knock yourself out. But you’re wasting your time because the kid did it. Obviously.

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You know what the dead giveaway was? It’s a Milky Way. You wouldn’t see this done to a Snickers or a Baby Ruth, or God forbid a 100 Grand bar (the ultimate Halloween candy and a rare find at that). Because no kid in America is willing to waste one of those bad boys. But Milky Ways suck. Same with Three Musketeers. Where’s the crunch? Where’s the nuts? When you go to the house giving out Milky Way you wanna egg it. That’s what this was – a revenge job by an angry kid.

The bottom line is that no one actually fucks with candy. We tell kids that lie because we were told that lie and the people who told us that lie were told that lie. But it’s literally never happened. No one’s gonna waste perfectly good ecstasy or acid or a razor blade or a needle on some kid they don’t know. Because they get nothing out of it. And if it was someone hell bent on killing innocent people they don’t know, and they were smart and crafty enough to fit a needle in a Milky Way, they wouldn’t waste their time with such small town nonsense. They’d go up to the Quabbin Reservoir and dump chemicals in it that could wipe out half the state.

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9 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    November 3, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    Dude – Milky Way is awesome. The caramel and nougat… fantastic. It’s one of my favorite chocolate bars (up there with Nestle Crunch and Kit-Kat).

  • J
    November 2, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    There is nothing wrong with a milky way. Me thinks TB is trying to incite a candy race war

  • WTF... Worcester
    November 2, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Sweettarts… Smarties… Gobstoppers… Bottle Caps…. Dum Dums… THOSE are the most degrading Halloween candy in history! These are the flaming dog shit, toilet paper throwing, egg slamming house holds!

    • Skeptical
      November 2, 2015 at 1:32 pm

      Smarties takes the cake on that one. Hands down, the worst, the WORST to get on Halloween. I always felt so cheated as a kid when a homeowner simply took a fistful of a smarties only bucket and put it into my bag.

      Just wrong.

  • Nanny
    November 2, 2015 at 9:25 am

    I must protest about the recent downsizing of the venerable snickers bar. What are these small, square, snicker-esque things? Is this a taunt or an insult? It takes like 10 of those to equal one regular size snicks. I hope the presidential candidates can weigh in on this controversy in the next televised debate.

    • Skeptical
      November 2, 2015 at 1:28 pm

      Forget ISIS, why the f*** is my three musketeers split in two and called two bars now? It’s not a value pack, it’s pulling a fast one and charging more for less.

  • Skeptical
    November 2, 2015 at 9:00 am

    You could just push the needle through the wrapper itself and into the bar…..

    Not saying the kid didn’t do this, I am just saying it is plausible. And TB, we all know how sick and fucked up people can be, I don’t think it unreasonable to believe some sicko would do this to a random kid. People have done worse to children.

  • BobnMic
    November 1, 2015 at 11:27 pm

    My God really? I mean really? Is anything going to be normal these days? What is wrong with (some) people these days? It is utter lunacy to even read the news today. Is this a Mad Max post apocalyptic fucking nightmare movie in real life or what the fuck?

    We need to get our collective shit together in our current state or else we will fail as a world leader.

  • Sissy Hankshaw
    November 1, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Excellent point about the milky way. It is truly a useless candy bar. Obviously the “go-to” choice if I wanted to deface some halloween candy for attention. I can afford to waste that shit.

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