Guaranteed World Cup Predictions – Anne Frank Gets Revenge

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So the World Cup tournament is almost over. Ratings in the USA plummeted after the US was humiliated by a bunch of dudes who speak Flemish, just like we all knew it would. This proves once and for all that the World Cup had ZERO impact on the popularity of soccer in this country. The same people who woke up early to watch EPL games will continue to do so, and everyone else will continue to ignore it until the 2018 World Cup.

Here’s a big problem with the World Cup – there are NEVER upsets in the tournament. Sure in group play there are “upsets” but those don’t really count. In group play you’re still figuring out what teams are for real and what teams aren’t. Like Chile and Costa Rica. No one thought those two teams would make it out of group play but they both did. Clearly they were better than people thought they were, so I don’t really consider that an upset.


But once the tournament starts the better team always wins. In the first round of the tournament every single group winner was favored, and every single one of them won. What kind of bullshit is that? What’s the point of watching a game if you know ahead of time who is going to win? Sure it was cute when Chile brought Brazil to PK’s, and when Mexico got robbed by the Dutch. But ultimately the favored team won and Cinderella went home to clean the gutters while her evil stepsisters tag teamed Prince Charming.

Then the second round of the tournament came, and wouldn’t ya know it – all four favorites (Germany, Brazil, Argentina, and Holland) won. So here we are. Four traditional powerhouses, only one of which (Holland) has never won the whole shebang. The current Vegas odds to win the whole thing are as follows:

Argentina +240

Brazil +250

Germany +250

Holland +350


Any upset at this point would hardly be considered an upset. Brazil vs. Germany is a pick em. Holland is +120 and Argentina is -145. None of the second round games had lines that were this close. So the question is, now that it’s not blatantly obvious who will win each game going into it, who’s gonna win? Here’s the official Turtleboy Sports prediction:

Germany will beat Brazil. The fact that Neymar isn’t playing has nothing to do with this. Brazil is good enough that they can leave off international superstars like Kaka, Robinho, and Ronaldinho, and still be this good. But Germany just has that blitzkrieg swagger. They’ll win 1-0 by scoring in the first half and packing it in the rest of the way.

Holland will beat Argentina. Argentina looked really good against Belgium and Lionel Messi is out of his mind right now. But there’s something about the Dutch. They’ve never won before and came so close in 2010, losing to Spain in the finals. They easily could’ve lost to Costa Rica and Mexico, but they just seem to find ways to win. They’ll score late and win 2-1.


Germany vs. Holland – it’s like Anne Frank’s worst nightmare reliving itself. This time though Anne Frank lives because the Dutch hold off the Germans. They’ll win in the most soccer way possible – a 0-0 game that ends in penalty kicks, and become the 9th team to win a World Cup. And it’s all thanks to this diving Euro-weenie who screwed over Mexico:



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