Guest Blog: Dumping In Sochi Toilets Is A Giant Russian Olympic Adventure

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Turtleboyslackey guest blog, bringing you the hottest takes on all things Sochi dumps. 

In Soviet Russia, toilet flushes you! Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

So, if you haven’t heard, it appears that the $50 Billion Winter Olympics have a small problem. One would think that with billions and billions of rubles being misappropriated allocated toward Russia’s crowning event since Putin sent the opposition party to a gulag the collapse of Communism, they could at least afford to upgrade the plumbing to the point where it could handle toilet paper. Thus, many of our finest athletes, notable political figures, and spoiled children attending the games will be forced to throw their dump paper into small  receptacles located inside of Sochi’s substandard finest washrooms.


Soooo… is this really the country that developed the MiG fighter and the T-55 tank, kept Berlin divided for 28 years, and scared thousands of Americans into buying backyard fallout bunkers? It can’t be. No, this is impossible. The country that  frightened us into thinking they could conquer the world less than three decades  ago cannot figure out how to build a plumbing system that can handle TOILET PAPER??? Why the hell did we spend billions of dollars on tanks, fighter jets, aircraft carriers, and nuclear weapons?? We should have simply sent them 250,000 cases of Charmin two-ply and drowned them under millions of gallons of clog-induced dump water!!


So the plumbing is apparently an issue. Perhaps the Russian Mafia simply grifted all of the copper and cast iron in Sochi and, as a result, now we will just have piles of dump paper everywhere (since we know for a fact that the Russian mob controls the hotel housekeepers’ union, and they will not be cleaning that up without a  significant kickback). The dump paper is bound to pile up more quickly, unfortunately, because of… well… THIS…

Now I have some friends with whom I am very close. Hell, Turtleboy and I once both took dumps in a toilet that didn’t have any plumbing attached just to stick it to a landlord (that toilet is probably in Sochi right now). But… those johns are close enough to rub elbows and knees with the person next to you.mIs it just in case you and the wife need to get moving quickly in order to get to the figure skating warm- ups? How many times has this happened to you? “Honey, we both have to take  dumps and that girl from Ukraine is about to do a practice triple toe loop… what are we going to do???” Well, no problem. Thanks to Vlad Putin’s hotel  designers, you  can both take dumps at the same time while sharing a romantic moment not unlike the couple in the bathtubs in the erectile dysfunction commercial!


Is this whole thing simply a Communist plot to give Diptheria or Cholera to any and all foreign athletes and guests? Did someone walk into the boss’ office and say “Hey, Vlad… I have an idea.  Let’s give the foreigners yellow water, make them take dumps together in the joint stalls and then leave their dump paper everywhere.   That way, they will all get sick and we will finally win the Hockey gold!!  Wait, I mean… that was your idea Mr. President… wait… what are you doing with that  piano wire… Mr. Pres…” That is such a good idea, Vlad may have taken a few minutes away from gay bashing, rolling tanks over South Ossetians, and stealing Russian children back from their adoptive American parents to ensure an unpleasant experience for all of the foreign athletes.

Could this be leading us down the road to a ridiculous comedy of errors and off-color jokes from a bespectacled Bob Costas? “Patrick Kane and Ryan Callahan sure are on the same page tonight, and why wouldn’t they be? They have been talking strategy while taking dumps together all week!” or “Oh boy, the Russian curling team is doing a remarkable job of sweeping the ice! Well, of course they would be after sweeping up all of the excess dump paper from their hotel room all week!”


Of course, let us not lose sight of how far Russia has come since being humiliated coming in second in the Cold War. Before the fall of the Soviet Union, it was not uncommon for there to be rationing of toilet paper. Today, they have an abundance, and all of the foreign dignitaries in attendance will be able to see exactly how much as it piles up in their room. Under communism, we were never really able to distinguish between male and female athletes in Eastern Bloc countries. Today, Russian women look more like supermodels, while performing as successfully as… well…supermodels. Let us not lose sight of the most important things in life,  however, like the fact that Russia is no longer under the stranglehold of  Communism. Over the past two decades the country has transitioned to…wait a  minute…Why President Putin, what are you doing here? You want to read my guest blog? Well sure just come right this way. Wow that’s a nice Super Bowl Ring you have there! Hey wait, why does that rag smell like chloroform??


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