Habs Fans Now Calling Sean Thornton Racist For Throwing Water On P.K. Subban After Bruins Facialize Montreal Canadiens In Game 5


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Last night the Boston Bruins proved what we all knew was obvious – they are much better than the Montreal Canadiens. The final score may say 4-2 Bruins, but make no doubt about it, this was an utter and complete Habs spankfest.

First I wanna say that if it weren’t for the Soderberg-Eriksson-Fraser line, we’d be losing this series. Those guys have simply carried this team. Every even strength goal in the last 2 games has come from that line. Meanwhile I’d like to report a missing Czech. The Czech number is 46, and it’s made out to “David Krejci.” If anyone has seen my Czech, please return it to me, because it’s pretty valuable. Thanks.


Montreal has one way to beat us and one way alone – get more power plays and score on them. They got one more than us last night (5 to 4), and they converted on two of them (40%). The problem of course was that the Bruins converted on 50% of their’s (2 out of 4). Both goals came in a 32 second swing to start the second period, and the Habs made it abundantly clear by their mannerisms and effort that they were mentally checked out. Like, it didn’t even seem as if they were trying at all. This team just cannot play 5 on 5 hockey with us. The teams are slaughter. Their only hope is to get a shitload of calls on Monday night and hope that the hottest player in hockey (P.K. Subban) can continue to carry their pathetic, sorry asses to a Game 7.

Look, I’ve said all along that whoever wins this series makes the Stanley Cup Finals. Once they get there it could go either way. Chicago, Los Angeles, Anaheim, and even Minnesota provide a challenge the Bruins just won’t see in the East. Because make no doubt about it – the Canadiens are the second best team in the East. I watched every game of the Pittsburgh-Columbus series, and I have been salivating at the mouth about a chance to play the Penguins again. To say they suck is an understatement. You know who plays for the Columbus Blue Jackets? Nobody. Yet they came back from two goal deficits on the Penguins twice to win in their series. That’s because the Penguins are softer than soft serve ice cream. And their goalie is possibly the worst in the NHL. There’s just no possible way this fraud team can win more than one game against the Bruins in a 7 game series. Slaughter.

The mere thought of a Pittsburgh-Montreal Eastern Conference Final would make the playoffs semi-unwatchable. I might even consider turning the NBA on.

So if you’re a Canadiens fan how do you feel right now? Well, they’re mostly complaining about their coach. #firetherrien was trending in Montreal last night:

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Awesome. Newsflash – you guys don’t need a new coach, you need a new identity. This is hockey. People hit in hockey. Relying on the refs to bail you out is a pretty shitty game plan. And a crapy happy player like Douglas Murray isn’t going to cut it. What makes the Bruins great is they have real players that have both skill and the ability to knock you the fuck out. You call people like Milan Lucic, Patrice Bergeron, and Carl Soderberg apes. We call them hockey players.

Another person we call a hockey player is Sean Thornton. Does he have skill? Not really. But he’s not a Douglas Murray, he can actually play hockey. When him Campbell, and Paille are out there they are not a threat to score. But you know what doesn’t happen when they’re out there? Montreal doesn’t score. They give Claude the ability to run four lines out there like no other coach in hockey does. His top lines are well rested and that’s why we score so much in the third period.

Well of course you don’t like Thornton, because he is exactly the opposite of everything you stand for. That’s why when this happened last night you people lost your fucking minds:

Oh no!!! Not water!!! Say it ain’t so!! Oh man, that’s never gonna come out in the wash!!! Subban must use hot oil or lube in the shower, because he’s obviously petrified of water. Seriously, does he melt or something when water makes contact with his jersey? Or is  he just a giant Nancy Boy looking for a reason to cry to the refs? Most likely the latter.


Predictably Habs fans are all fired up about this. Sure they could focus on the the fact that their team didn’t even bother showing up tonight. But nah, fuck that, let’s just do what we do best, call the Bruins racist!!! After all, Thornton is white and Subban is black, so that’s the only logical conclusion one can reach right?


Check out what these winners are saying on Twitter:

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Yea, why would Thornton spray Subban with water? Not like Thornton’s being paid to be an instigator or anything right? Not like he wants to get in Subban’s head for game 6. No, that can’t be it. Obviously he’s racist.

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The trifecta of racism – 1) morons on Twitter with no affiliation to Boston saying racist things, 2) throwing garbage, 3) spraying water. The fucking Ku Klux Klan is running the show up here obviously.

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LOL, Jack Todd. Remember his column after the racist tweets directed towards Subban? Canada’s favorite draft dodger has been rallying these nurniks behind the Boston racist theme all series, and it’s obviously working out pretty damn well. Love how Anything Jays here tweets at Jack Todd so he can have some new material for his next column when the Habs lose in 6.

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Yup, saliva and water are the exact same thing.

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Imagine the other way around? Yea I never thought of that. Imagine Subban threw water on Thornton? I’m sure Thornton would tattle to the refs like Subban did last night. LOL yea right, who am I kidding, Thornton would have beaten his brains in (is that a hate crime?). He wishes a mother fucker WOULD throw water at him. Also if Subban threw water at Thornton and Bruins fans started calling Subban a “caveman”, I’m sure that would go over real well with the race-baiting Montreal media.

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Yea, throwing water at someone is NEVER in good fun. It’s ALWAYS racially motivated. Always.

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You got that right Chief!! Obviously he called Subban the “n” word, because up here in Boston we can’t go five seconds without using our favorite word.

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Pascal Parent? LOL.

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Well Tommy L, unfortunately for you no one gives a shit what your opinion is.

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Intrenettroll hates racism. But homophobia is A-OK up in ol’ Montreal.

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Yup, nothing judgmental or classist about that statement at all.

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Hey Wes Rota, obviously he’s just a racist. Because during the old days in the deep south one of the most common ways to keep the black man down was to throw water on them. They hated that. Martin Luther King Jr. actually said that in his famous speech: “I have a dream, that one day white people will stop playfully throwing small amounts of water on us at hockey games.”

This is just more typical Montreal. It’s gonna kind of suck if we beat them tomorrow night because they just give me so much to write about. Pittsburgh will be OK too I guess, but I kind of like that city. Real good sandwiches there. Montreal is good for one thing and one thing alone – lap dances. Not that I’m condoning lap dances, because as you know by now, Turtleboy Sports is a family blog.

This series is far from over though. Playing in the Bell Center makes Monday a coin flip. If the Habs win anything could happen in Game 7. It probably won’t, but it could I suppose. Either way, I hope Subban has had time to decompress and dry off from Watergate 2014.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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9 Comment(s)
  • Joey G
    May 12, 2014 at 9:39 am

    I wonder who junior smokeshow Hannah Gordon is rooting for in the playoffs.

  • A
    May 12, 2014 at 8:21 am

    SHAWN Thornton isn’t a threat to score on the ice because that’s not his job.

  • Simon Hockey
    May 11, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    In other news, Canada’s National Spearing Team is really counting on Boston getting knocked out of the playoffs so that they can get Lucic in time for the International Spearing Championships set to begin next week. He would be such a marvelous addition to Team Canada. The whole nation is watching in anticipation.

  • Simon Hockey
    May 11, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    You were pretty quick to point out that the racist comments made after game one were from random people. I didn’t see the same effort here tonight. Obviously, those who accuse Thornton of being a racist are a true representation of the average habs fan, of course. hmmm. Are you a 13 year old girl?

    You put so much effort into illustrating your side of the story you must be convinced that you are doing a great job, what with all this tireless scurrying of the web in search of the truth. Either you are dumb or utterly lack the ability to think objectively. Lol.

    • Joey G
      May 12, 2014 at 7:51 am

      Objectivity??? Go read Al-Jazeera or the Christian Science Monitor.

      • Simon Hockey
        May 12, 2014 at 8:28 am

        Let me clarify. I don’t have anything against goofy opinion-based writing. It can be really funny. But if the writer of these pieces on Montreal thinks he is objective or fair, he is deluded. Montreal, too, has plenty of that kind of thinking going on, by the way. Except I don’t think the hatred, dishonesty and utter lack of respect go as far as what I’ve seen here.
        But at times it’s so ludicrous it makes me laugh. The thing is with the amount of work behind it, you have to think the author takes it seriously, that he’s doing research.
        But hey, it keeps me entertained, so fire away.

        I had no idea people were so passionate about hockey in New England, especially with regards to the Canadiens. It pretty much resembles the Quebec Nordiques fans. I know, I was a Nordiques fan for a few years back in the day and absolutely loathed the Canadiens. So I know where you guys are coming from. Except I had to suffer the 1993 cup, can you imagine? I became a Habs fan again around 1999 and have been waiting desperately ever since. I have fond memories of the 86 cup, as a child.

  • Joey G
    May 11, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Having water thrown on you during a sporting event is absolutely devastating.

  • Jake
    May 11, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    Remember when the racially friendly Montreal fans threw a banana at Kevin Weekes

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