Sports

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The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup last night, which kind of sucks because there isn’t a team that’s must more dislikable than the Penguins. Would’ve been cool to see Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton bring the Cup to San Jose, seeing as this was probably their last shot at it. But the most shocking part about the Penguins fourth Stanley Cup Championship was when we found out afterwards that Pittsburgh refers to itself as the “City of Champions”

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HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!

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15 Championships since 1909 makes you the city of Champions? One of our teams in Boston has more championships that that on its own. Turtleboy Jr. is three years old and he’s mad that he’s having duckboat parade withdrawals. It’s been 17 months and counting since he got to go to a parade. That’s a long time for us.

They have to know that Boston exists right? Like, for them to call themselves this requires them to purposely ignore that Boston has sports teams. I mean, we all have Google. Plus, we’re the ones who are constantly denying them more championships in football and hockey. We’d probably do the same in baseball but they never make it there. Here’s a quick review of why Boston is the city of champions and Pittsburgh is a run down city of people who lost their job at the mill:

  • Pittsburgh has no basketball team. Our basketball team has won 17 NBA Championships. We also lost in a Game 7 that we should’ve won six years ago, and probably would’ve won in 2012 if LeBron James didn’t have the best game of his career in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals.
  • The Steelers have more Super Bowl wins than any other franchise, but they routinely miss the playoffs and always lose to the Patriots when it counts the most. When we won the Super Bowl in 2001 and 2004 we beat the Steelers IN Pittsburgh in the AFC Championship both times as underdogs. Even the Drew Bledsoe Patriots beat the Steelers during their playoff Super Bowl run, 28-3.
  • The Pirates are the only likable team from Pittsburgh, but it’s only because the only person who remembers them winning championships is Old Balls. They are lovable losers who you have to root for. They’ve made the playoffs three years in a row, but have yet to win a series. Before that they failed to sniff the playoffs for 20 years in a row. Even though the Red Sox went 86 years between titles they at least came close enough to get their hearts broken a bunch of times. In the real City of Champions you at least have to come close once in a while when you lose.

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  • The Penguins have now won four Stanley Cups. The Bruins have won six. The Penguins routinely go through periods of 5-6 seasons in which they don’t sniff the playoffs. Even though the Bruins have a documented history of choking in the playoffs, they once made it there 29 straight times.

There is only one City of Champions. For more information consult this chart:

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But if Pittsburgh wants to call themselves that then we say let them. After all, no one outside of Pittsburgh cares enough about Pittsburgh to give a shit.

 

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7 Comment(s)
  • JoeMomma
    June 14, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    I like Shittsburgh, the Patriots have won more big games there than the Steelers have.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    June 14, 2016 at 7:52 am

    F San Jose, they don’t deserve a hockey team and therefor should loose to anyone. Even Pittsburgh.

  • HaHaHa
    June 14, 2016 at 6:22 am

    The only difference between Worcester and Pittsburgh is Pittsburgh has river and it’s cleaner.

    • Sal Monella
      June 14, 2016 at 7:56 am

      Uhh, yes Worcester does have a majestic river: the Blackstone. Have you not sailed it? The bums pissing on the sidewalks are the primary source of water for this national treasure, which was declared a National Landmark by Barry Sotero a couple years ago.

      Of course we don’t have three polluted rivers, like Shitsburg, full of trash, heavy metals and dead animals. They must be SO happy about that!

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        June 14, 2016 at 8:03 am

        The first sentence almost got me!!!

  • Sal Monella
    June 14, 2016 at 4:25 am

    Ever been to Pittsburgh? It’s a world class shithole.

    The airport is a joke. Roads a mess with so many bridges due to the rivers and everything is under construction. Traffic is a nightmare and the city is EBT heaven. I dread when I have to travel there.

    The Stanley Cup will likely be stolen and sold for scrap.

  • HAHAHAH Aidan Sucks
    June 14, 2016 at 2:16 am

    You sound butthurt. Do you need a safe space away from other teams winning championships?

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