Hatchimals Aren’t Hatching, Others Sound Like They’re Saying “Fuck Me,” And Whiny Parents Are Getting Exactly What They Deserved For Failing At Christmas

If you bought a Hatchimal and it sounds like it’s saying “fuck me,” or it’s not hatching at all, then you deserve the scorn you’re getting from your kids for being a massive disappointment.

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In what is perhaps the greatest stroke of Karma ever, Hatchimals all over the place are not hatching:



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Zero pity. None. If you bought one of these things because everyone else was doing it then you deserve nothing more than an overpriced toy that doesn’t work. I hope your kid hates you. Alright, maybe that’s too strong. But I hope they’re ungrateful pain in the asses. You tried taking the easy way out at Christmas. Instead of talking to your kid about the real meaning of Christmas and getting creative about what to get them, you joined the pajama pants/Newport Lights brigade and stood in line at Walmart on Black Friday. You made their happiness revolve around a stupid day that climaxes when it hatches. And then it never even did that. Fail.

Shit happens kids. Your parents aren’t doctors and neither are you. You don’t know how to deliver a baby, but you still took on that responsibility anyway. Some of you performed emergency C-sections at the last minute and it worked out. Better luck next time.

And then there’s this idiot:


Looks like Spinmaster is in line for another Internet lawsuit!!!


But wait, it gets better. When these things are hatching the Hatchimals first words are usually “hug me.” However, the Hatchimals apparently like to move quickly, and soon after that parents everywhere are hearing them say something much more inappropriate:

I mean, I’m sure it’s not REALLY saying “fuck me,” but the fact that it sounds like a moaning North Korean prostitute and saying something that can possibly be construed as “fuck me” seems to problematic. You would think that a $200 toy would be clear and distinct when it speaks. But then again it’s just an overpriced piece of garbage whose value was driven up by demand from morons. This is what you get morons.
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13 Comment(s)
  • Ryan
    December 29, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    Lol, good. Fuck you and your kids.

  • Professor M(eth)
    December 29, 2016 at 8:14 am

    I was going to get one of these for my kid, but at the last minute my dealer stopped by with some of the bomb bomb smack and I spent the money on dimebags instead. At least I slept through the holidays and didn’t have to listen to him crying over it though.

    • BobnMic's Gaping Anus
      December 29, 2016 at 8:19 am

      I once had a bad case of the piles which made my asshole look just like your lower lip. I must have used a whole case of charmin wiping up that mess. I saw your plea for help regarding the gofundme for dental work. What might be cheaper is if you just have those bottom teeth removed, then gargle with some pepto bismal right before you proposition your next customer and your mouth will be all nice and pretty just like my gaping anus.

  • Wabbitt
    December 29, 2016 at 4:00 am

    This reminds me of when one of the Teletubby toys sounded like it was saying faggot. Ooh did that piss people off!

  • Wwy
    December 29, 2016 at 1:10 am

    If only we had Christians in America instead we got Catholics and Jews. December 25 is sol victus day,the unconquerable sun.TB is right we need to get rid of Black Friday,crazy sales for 99% atheists in the U.S,the Jews love watching these animals storm a mall and destroy the spirit of Christmas Jesus Christ. More dumb Americans think the kikes put Santa on the cross and 8 war candles are holy somehow. It’s a good laugh but sad too.

    • Chris
      December 29, 2016 at 10:59 am

      Just so you know… Catholics are Christians and started Christianity. All other sects of the Christian faith are off shoots of the Catholic faith which started it all. Sorry it drives me crazy when I hear people are taught differently by their Christian Churches no matter what sect. Another fun fact for you, reason there is a lot of the Catholic Faith in USA is due to there is 1.5 Billion Catholics in the world making it the largest religion in the world.

      • 1 Timothy 2:5
        December 29, 2016 at 10:28 pm

        Catholics follow the pope, not Christ. They believe in (possible) salvation by works, not faith, while the Bible says “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9).

        Catholics follow man-made traditions, not the Bible (which true Christians believe is God’s word).

        Anyone who thinks he/she is a Christian needs to think about what he/she believes and compare it to what the Bible (not a pope or preacher) says.

        BTW – Early followers of Christ “started” Christianity (the following of Christ). The Catholic church came about later. There is no mention of popes or Catholicism in the Bible; in fact, most Catholic teachings don’t have any Biblical basis.

        Christians follow Christ and believe the Bible. “All other sects of the Christian faith” are not offshoots of Catholicism.

  • Gave Asher
    December 28, 2016 at 11:31 pm

    I bought two and my kids loved them. Fuck your. I am a hero!!!!

  • Donald McRonald
    December 28, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    These have to be the Sean Bohdiewicz limited edition Hatchimals. They have to be. It all makes sense now!!!!

    • ohh noo
      December 28, 2016 at 10:44 pm

      No, those ones come with a chastity belt and a doll to point to where it was touched

  • Red Redington
    December 28, 2016 at 10:18 pm

    Nope. Asshole mean spirited author of this article, TBS. It’s becoming easier to realize who is or is not writing which article.
    Anyway….parents who went out of their way to make a Christmas wish come true and who attempted to keep the fantasy alive for their child did NOT FAIL (and NO, I did not purchase one. My kid is beyond the age for this.) You need to take it easy on your readers, TBS. They are after all the reason your blog is successful. I bet these little Furbie wannabes were made in China. The USA’s ongoing mistake. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and get rid of this cheap ass Chinese shit.

    • chirp
      December 28, 2016 at 10:37 pm

      uhhhh….fuuuuuk me…..uhhhhh fuuuuuuk me…chirp chirp

    • Shackleford
      December 28, 2016 at 10:45 pm

      Shut the fuck up you pussy.

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