Sports

Here Is Obama’s Guaranteed NCAA Tournament Bracket Picks

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All politics aside, one of the things that I like about Obama is his love of college basketball. Every year people whine that he could be saving the world during the five minutes he spends filling out his bracket on television, but I love it. And here at Turtelboy Sports we have mastered the art of picking the Obama bracket. We know the patterns. We’ve seen how this works. He’s a basketball fan, but at the end of the day he’s a politician first. There are no elections in 2015 but the Republicans just took over Congress. If Democrats don’t retain the presidency in 2016 Rachel Maddow may or may not kill herself. Therefore the picks that Obama makes have to make sense politically. He needs to make sure the democrats stay in the good graces in certain states where they could be vulnerable next year.

Usually he makes his picks on Monday or Tuesday, so you’ll see in a couple days just how accurate our system is. We’ll take a look at each of the four regions of the March Madness Tournament and hypothesize who President Obama will pick in each round and why.

We’ll start with the Midwest bracket where top overall seed Kentucky is the team to beat. Here’s how he’s gonna pick em.

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Ohio is the most important state in the country politically. It’s the perpetual swing state and home to more presidents than any other. Any chance he has to pick a team from there he’s gonna take. So he’ll take Cincinnati over Purdue for sure. West Virginia, Kentucky, Maryland, Kansas, and Notre Dame are no-brainers in the first round. He also traditionally has a thing for Butler and Wichita State in the past so he’s gonna take both of them too.

Democrats can’t possibly win West Virginia, so he’ll pick Maryland over them. And he’s no chump so obviously he’s gonna take Kentucky, Notre Dame, and Kansas. After that he’ll take Kentucky, and he’ll DEFINITELY take Notre Dame over Kansas. Lock that up now. Notre Dame has the biggest following nationally. He spoke at their graduation in 2012. He won Indiana, the state Notre Dame is located in, in 2008 but lost it in 2012. This is my Obama mortal lock of the tournament.

At the end of the day he’ll have Kentucky beating Notre Dame because he just fucking hates Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul and any chance he has to stick it to them he’s gonna take it. Do you understand how mad it will make those guys when he picks their home state? That and Kentucky is by far the best team in the country.

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West Bracket

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This is an interesting bracket because it has so many important battleground states in it. Traditionally his policy towards Oklahoma has been, “fuck Oklahoma.” They’re no use to him. Democrats couldn’t win that state if he bought them all Obama guns and new teeth. So he’ll take Oregon over Oklahoma State. Virginia and Ohio are both important states too, but this guy NEVER misses a chance to pick Ohio State. He’ll definitely take them over VCU. Xavier is in Ohio too, so you know he’s picking them. After that he’ll take the favorites – Arizona, Baylor, UNC, Arkansas, and Wisconsin.

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker might get the nomination for the Republicans in 2016, and is a serious threat to the democratic party. He won the governorship, declared Jihad on public sector unions, and then won a recount. Obama HATES that guy. He simply MUST keep the democrats in the good graces of Badger nation. I thought he might take Xavier over Baylor, but Baylor is another team he traditionally picks to go far. North Carolina is another state he won in 2008 and lost in 2012. No way he’s passing up on a chance to pick them over a state the democrats have no chance of winning (Arkansas). And as much as he loves Ohio State, he has to distract the people of Arizona who thinks he opened the floodgates and released a plague of Mexicans on them. He’ll take the Wildcats.

After that he’ll take Arizona over Baylor because Baylor is in Texas and he has no use for that state. Wisconsin is a team he traditionally loves, and he’ll definitely take the Badgers to beat UNC and ultimately make the Final Four.

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South Bracket

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This was the easiest bracket to pick by far. He LOVES to take Big East teams, so he’ll take St. John’s over San Diego State in the 8-9. The 10-7 is interesting. He seems like a Steph Curry kind of guy, so he’ll be inclined to pick Davidson. Plus it’s in North Carolina – a battleground state. But don’t forget which state has their Presidential caucus first for the democrats – Iowa. That will be around this time next year. He has to show that state some love, so he’s taking the Hawkeyes over Davidson. His upset special will be 12th seeded Stephen F. Austin over Utah. A 12 always beats a 5 and this is the perfect spot for him to make that choice. There isn’t a state in the union where he is more unwelcome than Utah. SFA beat VCU last year in a 12-5 matchup. He’s definitely taking them. After that he’ll go with Gonzaga, SMU, Iowa State, Georgetown and Duke.

Taking Duke in the second round is a no-brainer. He doesn’t make upset picks like that. Georgetown is another EASY one. It’s in the most liberal neighborhood of Washington DC. Duh. Iowa State is an easy one, and he’ll contemplate taking Iowa over the Zags too. At the end of the day though he’s a politician. Taking a 7 over a 2 seed is too ballsy a move. He’ll pick the Zags to be safe.

However, in the next round he’s gonna take Iowa State to avenge Iowa and take down Gonzaga. Ultimately though he’ll have them losing to Duke. He LOVES the Blue Devils, AND they’re in North Carolina, AND they have a huge national following. No brainer.

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East Bracket

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You look like a chump if you pick all the 1 seeds, and Duke, Kentucky, and Wisconsin are all 1 seeds. Obama will have this in mind as he fills in his final part of the bracket.

Louisiana is of no use to him, so taking NC State over LSU is a done deal. Michigan State-Georgia is an interesting one. The democrats have come close to winning Georgia before, but ultimately he has a thing for Michigan State. He had them in the Final Four last year as a 4 seed. He’ll take them in the 7-10 matchup. Fast fact – Obama has never picked the winner of a play-in game to win their next game. That COULD change this year. Dayton plays Boise State for the right to play Providence. Dayton is in Ohio. He COULD take the Flyers to beat PC since they made the Elite 8 last year. But then he’d have to have them beat Oklahoma because he has no use for that state. That’s too much for an 11 seed. He’ll play it safe and take Providence. After that he’s taking all the favorites in the first round – Virginia, Oklahoma, Louisville, Northern Iowa, and Villanova.

The only second round match in doubt is the Louisville-Northern Iowa one. He’s had Louisville in the Final Four two years in a row now. He’s never done that with ANY team before. But Iowa is important to him as well. I think he’ll stick with Louisville though. PC over Oklahoma is an easy one, and so is Villanova, and Virginia – a state that swings both ways like Frank Underwood.

Nova-Lousville is a tough one too. He has picked a 4 seed to beat a 1 seed in all but ONE of his brackets since becoming president. So I’m tempted to say he takes Louisville because he loves them. But he’s also got this thing for the Big East. He’ll take Nova in a toss up, but then he’ll eventually have them lose to Virginia because it’s politically wise AND he can’t take all four 1 seeds.

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Final Four

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The University of Virginia was founded by Thomas Jefferson. It was home to George Washington and five other presidents. It’s a MAJOR swing state with a lot of electoral votes. He simply MUST pick them to beat Duke. If he doesn’t then everyone will think he’s an asshole – and not just republicans. Duke is the most hated team in all of sports………after the Patriots.

He also wants to pick Wisconsin to win the whole thing. It eats him up inside. But Obama is no chump. He knows how unbelievable Kentucky is this year. He has no choice but to pick them to beat Wisconsin and ultimately win the whole thing shebang. To do otherwise would make it too obvious that it’s all political and no one will pay attention to next year’s critical election year bracket.

Keep doing you Obama. You promised us a playoff in college football and you delivered. I’m willing to overlook a lot of the other stuff simply because of your love of sports. God bless America.

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