Sports

High End Hooker Darrelle Revis Says Dumb Things About Tom Brady

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Old friend Darrelle Revis chimed in about Deflategate the other day. And now that he’s a Jet once again he has resorted to doing what the Jets do best – becoming a butthurt loser:

“If I fail a drug test, then I fail a drug test. If I get a DUI, I get a DUI,” Revis said. “If Tom gets caught with a DUI, it’s a DUI. …. If they are saying that he did what he’s done, then the suspension is the suspension. I’m not the commissioner and don’t make the rules. If they want to change (the suspension) based on new information or new evidence, then okay, but it should have nothing to do with Tom being the face (of the NFL).”

Alright first things first. If you fail a drug test, it means you’re on the Seahawks. Seconldy, Tom Brady got a HEAVIER suspension because he is Tom Brady. Everyone knows that no one gives a shit about PSI. Nobody. If it was Geno Smith playing with slightly deflated footballs then this wouldn’t be a story and there would be no suspension. But Brady gets four games BECAUSE he is Tom Brady. So yea, dumbest thing I’ve ever heard to suggest that Brady will get a break from the league because he is the greatest of all time. 

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Thirdly, of course they’re going to change the suspension. Most likely it will be two games. This is what they wanted in the first place. Two games. So how do you guarantee he will get a two game suspension? Give him a four gamer to start. Then they’ll divide it in half on appeal and act like they’re doing Tom a solid. Everyone knows that. 

But this part of his interview with the NY Daily News was what grinds my turtle’s gears:

“Everybody’s blowing it up because it is Tom Brady. I understand that. But if (the NFL) feels he did the crime or he did something and they want to penalize them, then that’s that. (The Patriots) have a history of doing stuff. You can’t hide that.… Tom was there when they did that stuff in the past.” “New England’s been doing stuff in the past and getting in trouble,” Revis said. “When stuff repeatedly happens, then that’s it. I don’t know what else to tell you. Stuff repeatedly happened through the years. You got SpyGate, you got this and that and everything else. Obviously in those situations in the past, they had the evidence. So they did what they needed to do.

Newsflash Darrelle Revis – you were nothing more than a high-end hooker that we used to get a championship. We paid you handsomely for your services and tossed you back down to the gutter known as the New York Jets where you came from. 

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There are a lot of cheap, dirty whores in the NFL that you can chew and screw for the league minimum, a la Patrick Chung. But when you go after the Patrick Chung’s of the world, you can’t win.

In order to win you have to pull an Elliot Spitzer and go after the finest, most expensive prostitute on the free market. Darrelle Revis was our high-class hooker in 2014.

It’s undeniable that the Patriots could not win the Super Bowl without him. And for that I will always respect him and what he did here. When the Jets come to town and he is introduced, I will not boo him like the savages in the 300 seats. I will stand and applaud him because he brought me more joy on February 1, 2015 than anyone else ever has. 

I wish Bob Kraft wasn’t such a chiseler, and Bill Belichick wasn’t so conceited, to think they could win without paying this guy. But at the end of the day you can’t have a high-end hooker every night of the week. Only on special occasions like bachelor parties, Democratic National Conventions, and in Revis’ case, when you’re looking at an unacceptable 10 year Super bowl draught. 

We splurged and it was a great time while it lasted. But at the end of the day you don’t pay a hooker to love you. You pay them to leave. Just ask Elliot Spitzer. 

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8 Comment(s)
  • King Boob
    May 23, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    I live turtleboy… Except when you talk about the Patriots. Because you become my worst nightmare. Just another delusional idiot who would say it’s raining if Brady pissed in your face.

    • Chris Curtis
      May 23, 2015 at 9:13 pm

      If Tom Brady pissed in my face I wouldn’t shower for a month.

      • Drunkbutalotofstupid
        May 26, 2015 at 10:28 pm

        ok ok ok ok fer crip sake. I owcr I mean once took a piss and it lsted hiccup I mean lasted a boat hiccup I mean aboat a month becuz I drank so much buuz that I pissed so much. and then I performed haaaat hiccup opps I mean I mean heart surgery. the patient ended up with no harms hiccup I mean arms.

        • BobnMic
          May 26, 2015 at 10:48 pm

          Well that is sad. My Goodness.

  • Just L
    May 23, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    When one plays a professional sport, that sport is his JOB. Fans need to understand that. Revis did a job, and he did it effectively here, but now he has another job in NY. His talking about Brady just comes with the territory of working for a team in the NFL that is not the Pats.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    May 22, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    Just like Drake said, these hoes ain’t loyal.

    • BobnMic
      May 23, 2015 at 12:39 am

      Revis is a Gypsy. A person that travels.

  • Clean Hippie
    May 22, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    Ahahaha solid point. This guy’s just butthurt we didn’t ask him to stay. Can’t love these hoes doe.

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