WTF

Hippies At Pomona Got Kappa Delta To Apologize For Their America Themed Hockey Party

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Places TurtleBoy Sports is banned from permanently:

  1. Cambridge, MA (anywhere near Gish Jen’s house in particular)
  2. St. Bonaventure, Buffalo
  3. Pomona College

Apparently the recent blog about the geniuses who are protesting the America themed frat party at this small, ultra-liberal college in Southern California rubbed some people the wrong way. We have absolutely no connection to this fraternity, but we here at TurtleBoy Sports are 100% unapologetic jingomaniacs. We love this country and we think hippies that hate it while breathing in our delicious freedom air are hilariously moronic.

The blog went viral with hippies everywhere. They were voting in the poll, leaving comments, and even pretending to be lawyers. It was all very cute, harmless hippy behavior. Apparently they think that Facebook is some private site where they can discuss their Marxist world views with their comrades without anyone else seeing.

These poor creatures were legitimately surprised that we found their pictures and put them on the blog. We are not sorry about that in the least. TurtleBoy Sports is a legitimate source of the news, and provides hot takes and commentary that the public craves. Newsflash: when you  write in a public forum for the world to see, that the United States of America is a terrible country which is not worth celebrating during an American Olympic hockey game, because of King Phillip’s War and the Trail of Tears, you are COMPLETELY FAIR GAME for criticism.

Open your eyes hippies. Turn on the news. This is how the media works now. Remember this idiot?

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Yea, probably shouldn’t have wrote that on the INTERNET.

Or how about this rocket scientist who was running for Congress and thought that this would be a smart thing to write on Facebook?

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Yea, that’s not gonna help you get elected. Maybe in Oklahoma, but not Arizona.

Turn on ESPN and look which athlete tweeted something really dumb. Like, do you think Rashard Mendenhall was mad when this one went viral after it was announced that Osama bin Laden was dead?

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Siding with bin Laden, an American hating nut job? Did Rashard Mendenhall play football for Pomona College?
Deadspin has even made exposing idiots on Twitter their main priority. You know what none of these people listed above did? Cried and complained when their tweets and posts appeared in the news and blogs everywhere. They understood that it was there own doing that caused this.

So yea, when you say something really, really dumb, expect people to criticize you. And if you don’t want to be publicly shamed, then don’t write stupid things on the internet. Get together with your hippy friends at the Farmer’s Market, buy your organic food, then go down to Starbucks and order $8 coffees and talk about how much you hate corporations, capitalism, and white people. And for the love of God, don’t leave your Facebook page publicly viewable if you don’t want it to be PUBLICLY VIEWED.

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You poor kids are obviously very young and naive though, and I honestly feel bad for you. Ten years from now while you’re going through your first messy divorce, you’ll look back at your college days and say, “Remember when I used to get upset about kids celebrating American pride during a hockey game?” You’ll realize that life is much too short to care about stuff like this. You’ll realize that if you don’t agree with the theme of a particular party, you just don’t have to go to it. Not everything requires a “teach in.”

Also, we’ve all been through the faze you’re going through. It’s part of the circle of life. You go to college, get indoctrinated by former hippies, and actually believe the lies they’re telling you about the world. Well, technically they’re not lying. All the stuff you mentioned happened. The Trail of Tears isn’t something this country is proud of. Neither is slavery, Jim Crow, or the disastrous socioeconomic effects these have had on minorities.

Ya see, we all know those things happened to. What you don’t realize is that we don’t need you to enlighten us. We’ve all come to terms with it. We recognize that America certainly was and will continue to be a flawed nation. It’s run by people, and people by their nature make mistakes all the time. The beauty of America is that we take action to correct those mistakes. Slavery? To hell with that, we’ll start a giant war that ends it. Japanese Internment? We’ll give each family $20,000 in reparation payments. Jim Crow? We will literally send the 101st airborne to occupy a Little Rock high school for a full calendar year in order to ensure that 9 black kids have access to an education they are entitled to, due to a Supreme Court decision and several laws passed by evil white, male, Americans that ensured them of these rights.

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Nine times out of ten America gets it right. The other time was usually the fault of some idiot from South Carolina. Then we fix that up too. America.

What you hippies don’t realize is that one day the college life ends. You see, you’re currently living in a make believe world where your “job” is to sit in a classroom and learn about how evil America is. What you’re really doing is destroying our economy, but that’s a microeconomic issue that is way, way over your head.

Unfortunately for you all there are only two possible destinations for hippies in life: 1) College professor, 2) Joining the real world and become a complete sellout. At least 90% of you will go with option B when you realize that complaining about how much you hate this country and its history isn’t going to pay for your kids diapers or their tuition to Pomona College.

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Now, we have no connection whatsoever to Kappa Delta, and we had never heard of your school until we read about it on Barstool. The TurtleBoy crowd is a step above the the Barstool crowd though. They appeal more to your classic college meatheads looking to pound keystone lights and yell “show your tits” as often as possible. Our crowd has moved onto darker beers because we wanna feel older and hip, and our commenters are generally more satirical and ironic.

Nevertheless, we side with the frat boys on this one because they wanted to have a harmless party but with a funny theme, “Back to Back World War Champs,” and you all freaked out about it. First of all, they didn’t make up that slogan. It’s been around for quite sometime. They make all sorts of memorabilia for it…

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and plenty of people have had this exact same theme for a party before…

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Ya see that? It’s people enjoying their youth instead of being miserable. You should try that sometime.

So it was so shocking when I went back to their page and saw this complete sellout job:

On Monday night Kappa Delta published a description for an event called “America Pub,” which can still be found below for reference. That description was not only exclusionary, but condoned war and implicitly suggested that Kappa Delta supports all US policies, past and present, including those which have deprived human beings of basic rights and freedoms. As your classmates and peers, we, the brothers of Kappa Delta, sincerely apologize for the thoughtless nature of the event description, which does not reflect the standard we hold ourselves to.

The event description sparked a fierce dialogue which degraded into antagonistic generalizations and personal attacks, including some atrocious statements from individuals outside of the community. We condemn these comments, and, while Kappa Delta and its members have abstained from making any comments or expressing their opinions, we acknowledge that the event description was the impetus for all comments on the page, and we therefore assume responsibility for the ensuing rancor.

In response to the distressing events following the posting of the event description, Kappa Delta has made the event page private. This action is intended to prevent any further escalation by extremists outside of the community. Kappa Delta is also reexamining the process by which Pub themes and descriptions are conceived. Steps are already being taken to ensure that we devote the same level of attention and care to our weekly events as we do to our academic and athletic commitments. Future events and their descriptions will reflect the effort and quality of thought we expect from ourselves.

While the event description was deeply flawed, Kappa Delta stands by the right of the community to celebrate and be proud of the ideals of the USA. Accordingly, United States of America Pub will go forward as planned tonight. All members of the community are welcome to join us in Doms Lounge to celebrate any aspects of the United States of America’s culture or ideals which they deem worthy of celebration. As always, the theme is entirely optional and we welcome constructive feedback.

As an opportunity to increase understanding of the complexity of the fabric of our community we have Kappa Delta is reaching out to Student Affairs to see if there is an opportunity in the near future to have a community conversation about how we talk about history and nationalism within narratives that take in the broadest scope of experiences.

Please refrain from leaving malicious or spiteful comments. Besides being ineffective means of communication, they can be hurtful those who do not share your perspective.

Sincerely,

Kappa Delta Fraternity

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So one of two things happened here:

  1. The frat bro who wrote this had a gun to his head by a room full of hippy terrorists.
  2. These kids go to a school that is so isolated from the rest of the world that they’ve been brainwashed into thinking that they actually did something wrong.

Only possible way that this could’ve been written. These poor guys admit that it was THEIR fault that hippies wrote hateful things about America all over their page because they wanted to have an American themed party for a hockey game? And they’re worried about the extremists OUTSIDE the community? Like TurtleBoy Sports? Newsflash dude: the extremists are the people writing all over your wall about the Trail of Tears.

This paragraph in particular is filled with hippy vernacular:

As an opportunity to increase understanding of the complexity of the fabric of our community we have Kappa Delta is reaching out to Student Affairs to see if there is an opportunity in the near future to have a community conversation about how we talk about history and nationalism within narratives that take in the broadest scope of experiences.

WTF? It’s like a hippy was standing there dictating this in a small, smoke filled room. What does that even mean? To be employed at TurtleBoy Sports we require a Master’s Degree and an extensive training program in cultural diversity awareness, but even WE have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean exactly. Ya see, the weapon of the hippy is the thesaurus. They realize everything they’re saying is really, really dumb and baseless, so they just sub in a bunch of big words and BAM, hippy magic.

Hey at least these kids stuck to their guns and held the party. My sources in Pomona tell me that the hippies were down there in full force though, picking fights with frat boys because they have the audacity to be born into white privilege. Let’s hope cooler heads prevail, and we all learn a valuable lesson about the power of social media, and the greatness of America in all its splendor.

GO AMERICA!!! Beat Canada!!!

Go UMASS!!!!! Beat VCU!!!!

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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7 Comment(s)
  • TurtleboyLostThisRace
    February 21, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    If you can’t understand that single paragraph, you need to revisit your cultural diversity awareness “training” and figure out who accredited your MA program.

  • Keynesian Ivory Wayans
    February 21, 2014 at 7:01 am

    you meant “macroeconomic.”

  • anonymous
    February 21, 2014 at 6:43 am

    *phase, *too

  • Ryan Miller
    February 21, 2014 at 2:15 am

    The best part is: the party still never had anything to do with Hockey.

    • anonymous
      February 21, 2014 at 6:43 am

      hahaha exactly

    • pomona kids are so fucking wack
      February 21, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      the best part is: THE PARTY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CELEBRATING WAR OR GENOCIDE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK

      • Joey G
        February 22, 2014 at 11:27 am

        I don’t know about you… but I spent yesterday celebrating the ass kicking we dished out in the Spanish American War. USA! USA! USA!

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