Hoodrat Heroes

Homeless Dumpsterslug Thot Pocket Getting Called Out For Robbing Sleazestain Weed Dealer With Her Palmer Pubestacio Husband Is The Beginning Of An Epic Western Mass Ratchet Soap Opera That Could Definitely Use More Soap



This has got to be the grimiest bunch I have seen to date. This is a story full of such foul waste, I’m pretty sure I am going to need a round of antibiotics after writing it. But I’m doing it anyway!

It all starts with this post sent in to us by a few of our readers:


Reese Conners, this fine upstanding young citizen, is irked because he has been ripped off for a half ounce of weed, and wisely decides to post it publicly on Facebook.


So, he looks like a winner.



Despite looking like the type of kid who listens to ska in his parents garage while taking bong rips in between rails of dope, he really wants to convince us all that he is a dangerous badass. I’m more convinced he’d cry during a fight, but OK.


Definitely don’t fuck with this one. LOL.

The reefer banditos he is sending his Facebook friends list to track down appear equally as unwashed and unimposing, though, so I suppose it’s an even match.

Reese is looking for Kyra and Alan Provost, a couple of homeless bums purportedly living out of motels in the Palmer area. And boy, are they the most Palmer-tastic couple of losers to grace Turtleboy since Rian Waters.


I’m starting to believe that as soon as you cross over town lines to the Palmer/Ludlow area, someone is waiting to greet you with a finger full of dirt and pubes to swipe across your upper lip, like some sort of scumbag Ash Wednesday.

And these two are just as classy and educated as you would imagine a couple of dumspter dragons who decide to rip off Tweaker Mc Crimeboss up there would be.




So. Much. Cultural. Appropriation.


So little culture.

Uck, they look like they smell like the inside of a sun baked tuna can. And to make things even worse, it looks like these two have reproduced, because it’s hard to afford condoms when you blow your entire welfare check on backwoods and sneakers every month.


It wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t see much of their respective fruit o’ the wombs, because they seem pretty preoccupied with petty crime and drug use, and kids are a real hindrance to all that, with their constant need for consistent care, love and nurturing, and all.


But fuck all that, where’s the blunts and coke, amiright?


I’m sure their kids will grow up super well adjusted and successful with these two champs as the DNA donors. For sure!


It would also appear that Kyra was at once point training to be a police officer.


Which makes her choice to instead go around robbing houses with String Bean Dirty Sanchez all the more puzzling.



But they seem like such nice people!


I’m looking forward to seeing how this plays out, because I sure do love gawking at a good dumpster fire. Everyone seems to universally hate these two, and I haven’t seen this much cocaine and inappropriate “n word” use since the Foxy Lady in Providence closed down, so there’s no way that this doesn’t blow up into a glorious shit show sooner rather than later. I’m just glad it landed on our radar.   God bless you, Western Mass ratchet drama. Don’t you ever, ever change.

Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


36 Comment(s)
  • Well, No Shit
    March 19, 2019 at 4:35 pm

    If Palmer were to grow a face, it would look exactly like Alan Provost with his braided pigtails.

  • Wigger Hunter
    March 19, 2019 at 12:33 pm

    I know Alan Provost!! In my addiction days I used to do heroin with his fucking mommy!!! This is all his Mother’s fault seriously… She raised his sad ass to be a wigger criminal. Jenn Prevost, or Provost IDK, She’s responsible for this baby faced pube stache and his failure of a life! I’ve known him since he was 10 and things keep getting worse… Go figure!

  • marilu
    March 19, 2019 at 10:44 am

    Oh it never will, ‘ever change’.. this is only the sad beginning as more of these glorious children continue to have children, as they always do.
    Plus it seems like Western MA is more ratchet than all the rest of MA, besides that horrible eastern pocket down next to RI.

  • He’s a real jerk
    March 18, 2019 at 8:47 pm

    Is that girl Genduso’s protégé? I didn’t think hobos could afford coke.

    What is with all these white kids in Mass dropping N bombs like it’s a Death Row records concert in 1995?

    By the way, nice use of Norm’s “homeless bum” description.

  • whatevuh
    March 18, 2019 at 8:14 pm

    Jesus, what a bunch of slugs . . . no future, can’t see beyond the end of the week

  • Big Wick
    March 18, 2019 at 8:03 pm

    Start with Greasy Reesey: Rainbow backward hat with Elton John sunglasses (indicative of persuasion?), B&W pic’s look like he’s started the (I’ll apologize ahead of time) Auschwitz diet with those endless ribs, and that hoodbooger-wannabe vocabulary shows how he did in English class with his failed education. The Pro-ghosts? Oh, those Mister Peabody glasses! What kind of guy allows his bee-otch to post a pic of him with heart filters, while either tossing a gang sign or mocking the late great Jerry Garcia? (Never mind, he’d say “Who’s Jerry Garcia?”) Chinstrap! She’s got a stare as vacant as my local ex-Sears store. Twin grease-heads with matching eyebrows and painted duck lips. “Cultural Appropriation”, great, Bristol. (I HATE that phrase but here it is SOOOOO appropriate!) And her udders! Yeah, this looks like a mini-series.

    As always, I’ll bring the popcorn.

  • Parents must be mortified
    March 18, 2019 at 8:00 pm

    Well, she could still be a Trooper.

  • Street rat
    March 18, 2019 at 7:42 pm

    Wow. They remind me of mountain people. No I take that back! Mountain people are smarter. More like hunting dogs, they get a wide and they move in for the kill. Another month or two and them hounds will turn on each other. Woof! Tuna smells better.

  • Corinth Arkadin
    March 18, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    “Mountain Dew…everything due”

    LOL Hot Mess Express

  • Natty Daddy
    March 18, 2019 at 7:19 pm

    Big titties, nails always done, cute face yea I’m sure her pussy is paying for their drugs. Musta been on the rag which is why she stole the weed. What a sad state of affairs these 3 young white people are in. Id happily trade them to another country for 3 productive people who would actually appreciate this country and become real americans.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      March 19, 2019 at 1:11 pm

      Nope. Nips are pointing at her toes, guaranteed

  • ninja turtleboy
    March 18, 2019 at 6:58 pm

    any normal functioning person would take the loss and move on. this kid needs a new career if being put out $100 bucks is such a setback.

    • Y
      March 18, 2019 at 8:24 pm

      (C)an’t (U)nderstand (N)ormal (T)hinking.
      All of them.

  • They Suck Dick
    March 18, 2019 at 6:37 pm

    All 3 have one thing in common.

  • Leigha Genduso
    March 18, 2019 at 6:09 pm

    Still want to be a cop? HMU. I’ll help you out!

  • Dutch OG Blueberry
    March 18, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    Just grow your own. Christ, one grow a year of 12 plants and I get 8 pounds. I onnly need 1 pound if you get my drift.

  • Dummyboy
    March 18, 2019 at 5:52 pm

    I know kyra, she’s always been starting shit. Bout time it caught up to her

  • Aye Carumba
    March 18, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    I would pump a few ounces of pure man cream into Kyra no worries. If she wants to, I can even dress up as a cop and handcuff her to remind her of her daddy while I shove the nightstick up that tight little sweet canal ….

  • No Standards
    March 18, 2019 at 5:44 pm

    I’d fuck her

    • Less than no standards
      March 18, 2019 at 6:29 pm

      I’d fuck him already got a blowjob little twink even swallowed

    • Maybe
      March 18, 2019 at 10:43 pm

      No, thanks, my dick shriveled up just reading about her. Although I might get it up for a cruise through Lactation Lane.

  • LOB
    March 18, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    His and Her pube staches !

    • Victor Kiam
      March 18, 2019 at 4:52 pm

      The family that shaves together, stays together.

  • White Trash Bash
    March 18, 2019 at 4:17 pm

    Anyone who types tryna should be shot on sight, end of story.

    • Linda
      March 18, 2019 at 5:46 pm

      You just typed it though….so…

  • warpedhead
    March 18, 2019 at 4:09 pm

    Man Bun, that’s all I need to know end of story. Next….

  • Karma Bus
    Kyra Saggyboob
    March 18, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    Okay, I’m a female so here is my first take…. I’m thinking as I’m scrolling down “Such a waste she is actually pretty…. Holy saggy tits” and then she goes admitting it her dad’s a cop nonetheless. He must be so proud.

    Now onto her BF what the fuck is on his head? AND WHO THE FUCK ROBS A WEED GUY?! I mean really. When the dope and cokes gone you need that shit to come down… and yeah, sureeeeeee you got a half oz now, but what about tomorrow?

    You dumb disgusting messes Oh this makes me feel so good about myself today TBS live is gonna off the chain this week!

    • Weed is Bad
      March 18, 2019 at 4:05 pm

      The majority of violence amongst these types is usually over marijuana. Look at all the shootings in Boston and the cities around it and you will see it’s over weed and the profits made from it. The new laws have made it worse even though people will disagree. I see it first hand every day and so do many TBS readers of the Blue variety

  • Francis Sidebottom
    March 18, 2019 at 3:23 pm

    I really hope they are uncle turtle turd’s 3rd cousins

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    March 18, 2019 at 3:20 pm

    Ew. Homeless people are so scummy!

    • Arch Stanton
      E.B. Farnum
      March 18, 2019 at 11:02 pm

      They are, but you suck cock so it evens out.

  • Well, No Shit
    March 18, 2019 at 3:16 pm

    Palmer? I don’t even know her!

    I’ll see myself out.

  • Common Sense
    March 18, 2019 at 3:14 pm

    Our tax dollars at work. I feel bad for her parents and she needs to grow up and stop being a trash bag. He is a lost cause completely and should be put to sleep like a sick animal.

    • Spring Break??
      March 18, 2019 at 6:28 pm

Comment on this Post


All-Star Worcester Parents Lay Siege To School Bus, Beat Up Bus Driver, Then Write Magnificent Things On Facebook
Comments From The Worcester Parent Bus Riot Blog Were Borderline Orgasmic
Hot Girl Threatening To Sue Turtleboy Sports Over Busgate, City Council Still Hasn’t Even Mentioned It