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Hot Takes On Super Bowl Prop Bets For Degenerates

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Continuing in our annual tradition, TurtleBoy Sports presents the hottest takes on this year’s Super Bowl prop bets. Were it not for prop bets we’d all just have to watch the game and see who wins. Like idiots. Now, thanks to the magical power of Keystone Light and gambling, we can all bet on the most obscure oddities of America’s biggest game. I usually bet on at least 50 prop bets, write them all down on a piece of paper, and hope to break even at the end of the day. You don’t even realize most of the time that by rooting for your bets, you’re also rooting against several of your other bests. If you bet on Peyton Manning for MVP and the Seahwaks to win the game, you’re only winning one of those bets, and there’s an outside chance you’re losing them both. Nevertheless, even if I lose all 50 or so bets it will still be an afternoon of debauchery, cooked food, and most likely wrestling.

Picking the winner and the over/under isn’t really a prop bet. But I like Seattle outright at +115 and the under (48). This game should be a pick em. Seattle’s defense is the best we’ve seen since the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. They’re not gonna just Peyton Manning throw all over them. I just can’t imagine a dooshnozzle like Richard Sherman walking off that field a loser. I could imagine Manning and Wes Welker walking out losers though. I’ve seen it many times before. The only thing that could, and quite possibly will screw over the Seahawks are the refs. Seattle defensive backs come to close as cheating as possible. If the refs call it too close in the secondary then Peyton can actually pass against them. If not, he’ll be just as screwed as Drew Brees and every other top tier QB they destroyed this season. With that said….

Here are the Top 10 Prop Bets for the 2014 Super Bowl

 

10. Will Knowshown Moreno cry during the National Anthem? No (-175)

No shot Knowshown. Yea I know he’s an emotional dude and he’s cried during the anthem before, but there’s too many ways this bet ends up no. For starters they’d actually have to show him on television. Why the hell would they show him of all people during the anthem? The crowd’s gonna be filled with hot babes on their cell phones so why would the camera wanna focus on a guy named Knowshown?

Knowshon-Tears

 

9. Will Richard Sherman receive a pass interference in the game? Yes (+150)

Sherman and the Legion and Boom get away with a lot of Bump n’ Grind in the secondary all season long. That ends in the Super Bowl. If there’s one player in the NFL that can get Lebron-style calls, it’s Peyton Manning.

richard-sherman-memes-2

 

8. Will Michael Crabtree mention Richard Sherman in a tweet during the Super Bowl from kickoff until final whistle? No (-500)

The -500 made it hard to bet on this, since there’s a high risk and low reward. But, it’s just too easy to pass up. Michael Crabtree has tweeted once since January 19th, and this was all he had to say:

Screen Shot 2014-02-01 at 5.27.52 PMThat doesn’t seem like a perpetuator of tweet beef. If he makes any mention of Sherman it will be as “the cornerback” because Crabtree is just that much of a d-bag. What worries me is that Crabtree I’m sure knows about this bet and can basically decide how much of a dingleberry he wants to be. My tweets to him went unreturned. Nevertheless, this is just too easy to pass up.

https://twitter.com/wordfromthewoo/status/429652643774865409

 

7. Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the mention first in his speech? Teammates (1/1)

Last year was the first year in forever that the MVP didn’t thank anyone. Ungrateful bastard Joe Flaco. Teammates is the obvious choice.  It’s instinctive. A lot of people like “the fans” if  Seattle wins, but I just can’t imagine that happening. It’s almost a reflex for them to say “teammates” first. They’ll say the fans right after that, followed by God. But it’s always teammates first.

292711_4436807207225_1374631131_n

 

6. Will Percy Harvin be injured in the game? Yes (+300)

I can’t imagine a situation where Percy Harvin doesn’t get injured. Dude is made of glass. If you’ve ever made the mistake of drafting him on your fantasy team then you know the drill. I’d be surprised if he makes it out of the first half.

44769279

 

5. Coin Toss? Heads (-105)

The last five Super Bowls have been heads. This means absolutely nothing. It’s like the pole on the roulette table that tells you the last 20 rolls. Idiots see that there have been five straight reds and they bet the house on black, as if all of a sudden the odds have magically changed for that roll. Then double zero comes up. Heads is the easy pick though. I have no real rationale for this pick. I was just sitting on the throne and threw a quarter on the bathroom floor and it came up heads. So heads it is.

image-55

 

4. How many times will Eli Manning be shown on TV during the game? Over/Uner 1.5 times? Under (+135)

These type of bets never work out. It’s always the under. We have this idea that people are gonna be shown on TV all game long. It never happens. Why the hell would they show Eli’s bitch ass on TV? Eli sucks. And if he’s not sitting next to his Dad then there’s a 0% chance you see him on TV even once. Under 1.5 is easy money.

395060_10151125319185946_692848882_n

 

3. How many times will Peyton Manning say “Omaha” during the game? Under 27.5 times. (Even)

I bet he switches to Tulsa, or Akron, or some other mid sized city that nobody cares about. Either way, the whole Omaha thing is overrated. Yea he says it a lot, but not as much as people think. Hearing it on TV 28 times just ain’t gonna happen.

omaha

 

2. Who will be shown on TV first – Erin Andrews or Pam Oliver? Pam Oliver (Even)

Erin Andrews is the favorite here. Ever since she paid that guy to tape her changing in her room and then paid him more to go to jail, she’s all of a sudden become relevant. Plus they’re gonna show the Seahawks sideline first and there’s no way they’re letting Erin Andrews anywhere near Richard Sherman, lest he devours her like a T-Bone steak. Pam Oliver’s legit though. She’s not there because she’s eye candy. She’s there because she’s good at her job. They’ll show Oliver first and then immediately go to Erin Andrews for the sex appeal.

erin_zps4563c32d

 

1. What will be greater – seconds it takes Renee Fleming to sing the National Anthem, or Peyton Manning passing yards in the first half? Renee Fleming (-130)

I lose the national anthem bet every single year. Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys. They’ve all screwed me over time and time again. Last year Alicia Keys set the record by going for 2:32. Demolished the over of 2:15. Vegas is really, really good at setting this particular line. It’s the one they make the most money on. I can’t resist it though. I took the over for Fleming at 2:25 simply because she’s an opera singer. They never shut up. I just wish she was fatter though. Fat opera singers can’t possibly sing the national anthem in under 3 minutes. Nevertheless, even if she goes 2 minutes, that’s 120 seconds. Manning isn’t gonna go off in the first half. He might in the second, but the first half is always lower scoring than the second. He’ll be lucky to pass for 100 yards in the first half against this defense. This might be the most obvious pick of all the prop bets.

Next year’s Super Bowl needs to feature by far the greatest singer of the National Anthem in the history of the world: Mr. Michael P. Mahon, AKA WAAF’s Can Man Karaoke.

That was way over 2:25. Move over Renee Fleming, Can Man’s coming for your job.

 

Bonus picks

Russell Wilson MVP. (15/4)

If the Seahawks win, which is basically a coin flip, then he gets the MVP. It will go to a quarterback, so MAFW go with the guy getting the better odds. Other possible choices are Eric Decker (40/1) and Wes Welker (25/1). Sherman will be all over Demaryius Thomas, so you can figure about him right now. If you really wanna take flier go with “Field” at 25/1. Trinton Holliday has returned three kicks for touchdowns this year. In a game where the Seattle defense could easily shut down Denver, a special teams touchdown could make the difference. As Patriots fans we remember all too well the legend of Desmond Howard in the 1996 Super Bowl.

image-56

 

What color will the gatorade be that is dumped on the winning coach? Clear/Water 11/4.

Orange is the heavy favorite this year, but it’s for a really dumb reason. Apparently since Denver is the favorite every idiot thinks that they only drink Orange gatorade. Dumb, dumb, dumb. It was clear several years in a row before going back and forth with yellow and orange the past few years. Last year it was nothing. I have a feeling it’s going back to clear this year. I have no reason to believe this, just seems like a clear year.

Pictures in the News | Jan. 2, 2014

 

Here’s the rest of em…

Denver Broncos Score FIrst and Lose Game +350

What will be the Result of the First Coaches Challenge in the Game? Play Overturned -125

Total Number of Penalties Assessed on the Seattle Seahawks? Over 6½ (EVEN)

Total QB Sacks in the game by the Broncos? 1 (17/4)

Will there be an onside kick attempt in the game? Yes (Onside kick)

Margin of Victory? Denver Broncos 1 to 6 points 7/2

1st Quarter Winning Margin? Seattle Seahawks win by 1-6 Points +450

Which Will be the Highest Scoring Quarter? 4th Quarter +180

How many yards will the first Touchdown of the game be?  8-15 Yard Touchdown 4/1

How many Broncos players will have a Reception in the game? Under 7½ (+125)

What will be the 1st enforced Penalty in the game? False Start 5/2

Half time winner/Final Game winner? Seattle Seahawks / Denver Broncos 6/1

Alternative Game Total? Under 41½ (+215)

The last score of the game will be? Seattle Seahawks Field Goal 15/4

Total Team Points – Denver Broncos? Under 24½ (-105)

How many successful 3 point Field Goals will be kicked in the game? Over 3½ (+105)

Shortest Successful Field Goal in the Game? Under 24½ (-115)

Longest Successful Field Goal in the Game? Over 44½ (-115)

Will there be a score in the first 7min 30 seconds of the 1st quarter? No +145

Seattle first score of the game will be? Field Goal 7/4

Longest Completion – Peyton Manning (DEN)? Under 37½ (-105)

Total TD Passes – Peyton Manning? 1 (7/2)

Total Receptions – Demaryius Thomas? 3 or 4 (2/1)

Player to score the first TD in the game? Knowshon Moreno (DEN) RB 9/1

Total Rushing Yards – Marshawn Lynch (SEA)? Under 90½ (EVEN)

Total TD Passes – Russell Wilson (SEA)? 2 (9/4)

Total Receiving Yards – Eric Decker (DEN)? Under 60½ (-105)

Total Receiving Yards – Golden Tate (SEA)? Over 45½ (-115)

Total Rushing Yards – Knowshon Moreno (DEN)? Under 62½ (-115)

Total Rushing Yards – Russell Wilson (SEA)? Under 32½ (-105)

Will Julius Thomas (DEN) score a TD in the game? Yes +125

Total Receptions – Wes Welker (DEN)? 7 or 8 (5/2)

Who will throw more TD Passes in the game? Russell Wilson (SEA) QB +1 (+110)

Total Interceptions – Peyton Manning (DEN)? 1 (+170)

That’s about it. Good luck to all the degenerate gamblers out there like myself. I know some people are saying that they’d rather see Manning win than Richard Sherman. Just stop. We get it – Sherman is a boisterous and opinionated African-American man. Don’t let that cloud your judgement here. If Manning wins the Brady-Manning debate becomes somewhat relevant again. If they lose than it’s undeniable. The biggest downside of the Seahawks winning is that Pete Carroll will be a Super Bowl Champion. That would be a loss for everyone.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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