Nudniks

How NOT To Pick Up Women On Tinder: Grundlestiltskin Learns Firsthand That When I Vow Revenge, I Get It, Because Yes I’m Petty AF

You may or may not remember that about a year ago, Grundlestilskin AKA Greasy Ginger Cunt Joe Hart filmed himself harassing a woman in a Rhode Island police station that he thought was me, and posted in on the internet. 

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You may or may not also recall that he did this right after stalking the wife of a police officer to her home, photographing her vehicle parked in her own driveway, and posting it to the internet – because Joe is a level 11 creeper for sure.

Well, I didn’t forget, because I never forget. I vowed revenge that day, because we are all Turtleboy, and if you fuck with one of us you fuck with me. Boy, did I exact it today. Let me explain.

You see, early last week, a rider alerted me that Grundy was on Tinder, and I saw an opportunity, as did the rest of my team. So we crafted a Tinder profile that we felt would attract a mid-thirties, greasy, anti-establishment cuck – and it did just that. Immediately. Like, within 15 minutes.

 

What followed was a week-long tutorial on exactly how NOT to get any pussy, provided by Grundy himself in real-time. This is probably the first public service he has actually provided in his entire miserable life, so let me share it with you, so you know precisely what to do in the case that you too would like to become literally the most historically unfuckable human being in existence.

First and foremost, if you want to scare off every piece of trim in a 50 mile radius, you should definitely select pictures of yourself looking as unwashed as possible and prominently feature them on your online dating profile.

Sweet tie-dye suit jacket combo, bro. That’s one surefire way to get a swipe left every single time.

On the odd chance that one or two females actually do, whether by accident or gross negligence on the part of the orderlies in charge of them at the State Mental Hospital to which they are admitted, swipe right and actually match – have no fear. You can always send along the video of yourself screaming like an emasculated stuck pig whilst being put in cuffs by the Worcester PD. Accompany that with the explanation that they “tortured” you by arresting you for acting like a petulant child looking for a fight in their lobby, and express your full intent to profit from said incident because you are a 34-year old manchild who drives around stoned all day for Uber and lives in an apartment with roommates.

 

Then just watch all the trim float right away out of your grasp forever.

So hot. Does she still have any lingering thoughts about riding your neglected salami stick all the way to regretville? Wow, her legal guardian really needs to keep a closer eye on her. Anyway, just take another tip from Joe – and cry about Turtleboy. Throwing in some references to your “lawyer” helps, too. Nothing says “steaming hot sex God” quite like an Uber driver who claims to have an attorney on retainer, yet can’t afford his own shithole apartment.

Then spend the next several days prattling on and on about how awesome you think you are, even though you are demonstratively not. Make sure to throw in that time you were “featured” in a Viceland show for a cumulative of 15 seconds as “nameless, non-speaking stoner guy.”

Still got some cracked out mental patient interested in slobbing your knob for some inexplicable reason? That’s a tough one – it’s going to be hard to shake her. But have no fear, Joe has you covered. Simply identify yourself as an acronym like you are some sort of shitty off-brand bootleg Chinese OS or failed program for Skynet,

 

And then proceed to brag about how you spend your days getting stoned and driving around for Uber when you’re not doing “labor for your friends”,

Concocting insane conspiracy theories that only you and your made-up attorney care about,

Don’t forget to mention that at 34-years old you only just got an apartment for yourself…..well, a room in an apartment anyway.

 

And that your career ambitions include “putting quarters in parking meters and leaving business cards so people will donate to me.”

 

…Although your plans were thwarted by totally unforeseen circumstances when you ran out of business cards. That’s business, you know? There are some mountains you just can’t climb, boys and girls.

Holy shit, does this broad still want to bang you? You better do something quick, sir or madame, or risk catching Hep C. Perhaps becoming the object of some un-medicated schizophrenic’s paranoid delusions. Don’t fret; Joe has you covered. Creepily attempt over and over to get the lady in your van, alone, through the promise of mind-altering substances.

 

Then throw in that extra weirdo factor by looking up what you believe to be her flight number, and send it to her. Completely unsolicited.

 

Is the lady still interested? This is getting suspicious. Oh well, just send over the most cringe-worthy selfies from public restrooms you can muster – and then repeated weird memes. Over, and over, and over.

 

And don’t forget that even though you’re clearly a beggar, you are entirely entitled to be a chooser, too.

 

Is your rendezvous still standing, after all of this? Well, damn. There’s one more thing you can learn from Joe – you probably shouldn’t go around and harass random women, postal workers, town secretaries and cops. Because more likely than not – you’re being fucked with.

And if you’re anything like Joe, you’ll have an epic meltdown in public once you figure it out and get chased off from a bar by the management and patrons – just like the video of Joe we revealed last night on our live show.

 

Let this be a lesson in what NOT to do with your live, courtesy of fat, greasy ginger cunt Joe Hart – if you want to pick up a chick off Tinder, do NOT do any of the things illustrated above. And if you don’t want to be fucked with online, do NOT fuck with random, innocent people all day and post it online, because sooner or later – those tables just might turn.
 

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51 Comment(s)
  • Gazza
    November 28, 2019 at 10:45 am

    Poor Joe. I bet he was driving to that date, his best sweatshirt on, washed earlier last year in anticipation of such an event, wondering if little joe was at last going to fight his way out of the matted jungle of ginger pubes and finally make contact with another human! He was dreaming of a future – of a gaggle of little ginger kids who would make him so proud on the first day of kindergarden when they screamed ‘that’s assault’ as the teacher gently guided them to class, a wife who would frostily retort ‘I don’t answer questions’ when he said ‘was that good for you darling’.
    Now what is he left with? His shattered dreams, and some housemates who at this very moment are drawing straws to see who gets to tell the strange smelly new guy that it’s probably for the best if he moves back into his Moms basement.

  • The Common Man
    November 26, 2019 at 11:21 pm

    What the heck, Bristol never catfish’s me, no fair!

    For real though, if that happened to me, I’d sit down and be like:

    “I don’t care if we’re enemies, you promised me a date and your going to give me one. So, do you want to split an awesome blossom, or go straight for the entree?”

  • Judge dread
    November 26, 2019 at 8:08 pm

    The judge wants to post flyers of his picture, esp of he one where he’s screaming and pointing at Bristol a few weeks back. Plaster them all over olneyville in Providence with the caption he hates and let the local gangs take care of him.

  • Wasted opportunity
    November 26, 2019 at 4:14 am

    Why didn’t you catfish him with a dude?
    Get him to agree to a BDSM scene, get him trussed up like a holiday goose with the blindfold, ballgag and all. Then introduce him to the dream lover that really digs long haired gingers with manginas.
    Then he’d really squeal like a pig, lololol!

  • True justice
    November 26, 2019 at 12:53 am

    I was wondering where you been and worried you abandoned us Bristol. But I should of known you were busy totally fucking with a complete douchebag and tearing him into shreds. Good to have you back!

  • WeRFucked
    November 25, 2019 at 8:03 pm

    Fuck this blog for not expanding the thumbnails so laptop readers can follow along… because… Fuck Turtleboy supporters.

    • ncfoothillbilly
      November 25, 2019 at 8:34 pm

      ctrl + to expand

    • Mr. Bubba
      November 26, 2019 at 12:55 am

      What a MAROON!

  • Sulfer Powder
    November 25, 2019 at 6:35 pm

    Gotta love watching assholes like this burn… Good job Bristol! Keep going till you bury this shitbag…

  • Lee Ho
    November 25, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    I think he suffers from Egg McAneurysm.

    • Ho Li Phuk
      November 25, 2019 at 8:47 pm

      He look like bad bowl of Egg Drop Soup, right Lee?

  • Boaty Macboatface
    November 25, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    This should be a public safety blog. Can you imagine your daughter or wife in a car with this Uber ginger menace. I would almost bet that there are a trail of missing women wherever this guy has driven. But on the bright side, Josh is still looking for a visitor.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    November 25, 2019 at 3:37 pm

    Red hair is consistent with under developed testicles, Its true! I read it, somewhere, on the internet.

  • Old Tom Morris
    November 25, 2019 at 2:39 pm

    Thanks for the blog, Bristol, we thought you were dead.

    • Middle Aged Thom Slurpus
      November 25, 2019 at 2:49 pm

      You wouldn’t miss a blog about your buddy Joe. You usually defend him

      • Old Tom Morris
        November 25, 2019 at 8:27 pm

        Totally missed Bristol blogging this month. Nice to see her back. You sound like a public sector scumbag leech. Fuck you.

        • Teenage Tom Thesaurus
          November 26, 2019 at 4:53 pm

          What was it you did for work again?
          Was it an electrician?

    • Old Tom Morris
      November 25, 2019 at 9:26 pm

      That was a left-handed compliment, Bristol. I totally love you.

      • Biff Tannen
        November 26, 2019 at 11:00 am

        The term is ‘back-handed compliment’, ya fucking retard.

        You’re as funny as a screen door on a battleship.

        Now make like a tree, and getta outta here.

  • Old Tom Morris
    November 25, 2019 at 2:33 pm

    Just when I was out, Bristol pulled me back in.

    • Young Tom Thermos
      November 25, 2019 at 2:45 pm

      Nobody cares if you leave.

      • Old Tom Morris
        November 25, 2019 at 8:30 pm

        Go back to the public teat you suck off, faggot.

        • Infant Tom Wilson
          November 25, 2019 at 9:48 pm

          That was brilliant and we breathlessly await every post you share. You are without question a quality person.
          Right?

          • Old Tom Morris
            November 25, 2019 at 9:57 pm

            Absolutely Bristol. You want a dick pic, I can tell.

  • AngryWhiteDad
    November 25, 2019 at 2:04 pm

    I’d have loved to see the set up at the bar but, honestly, I had to turn off the video after 50 seconds of intro time. Why do you insist on the YouTube videos? Its like Public access t.v.

    Sorry, love the blog, but the videos are bad. Weeee lame!!

  • Junkie cosmonaut
    November 25, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    Imagine just going through life with the absolute knowledge that you will never ever ever be able to have consensual, enjoyable, mutually satisfying sex with a woman under any circumstances. That would cause you to lash out at normal productive members of society too. The only chance the poor Joe or JOA has of having a willing intimate encounter with a woman is to fly 1/2 way around the world to Indonesia or maybe some South American jungle tribe deep in the Amazon and take a wife and promise to bring her to America and give her magical, white, orange haired babies with magical powers! So until he gets a passport and books a flight to Timbuktu to get laid he has no choice but to rebel against authority and harass and stalk innocent Women who perform necessary tasks for the evil Police and Fire Departnents and the Post office, hospitals etc etc… funny how he only goes after the women though right? Why not go for a 6’2” trooper in uniform???? Oh yeah, that would require courage and testosterone. Sloppy, sexless gingers often possess neither of those attributes.

    • A good human being
      November 25, 2019 at 2:35 pm

      I’d just like to tell his parents that they fucking suck also! I’m asking Santa to bring me a drunk driver so he can hit this POS head on early Xmas morning.. What a wonderful gift that w/b

  • Ace Rothstein
    November 25, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    I love how these degenerate auditors throw out “….ya well I probably make 10 times what you make…..” , as they are typing it out from their rat-infested 2- bedroom, 3rd floor apartment in south providence that’s shared by 4 other dirtbags

  • Enjoying the Stories
    November 25, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    Joe Orga Hart and Josh Abrams should get an award for the most hilarious downward spiral of 2019.
    I wondered why we haven’t heard from Josh but then I remembered it was impolite to talk with your mouth full

  • I'm not blind but....
    November 25, 2019 at 12:59 pm

    So while it’s great you did this I’d really like to be able to read the messages. Please work on this the pics are small and blurry I couldn’t read half of them and I’m on a PC. This happens a lot with TB.

    Otherwise nice work catfishing the dorky child rapist. Seriously if you had said your 14 it would’ve sent you nudes.

    • ncfoothillbilly
      November 25, 2019 at 1:05 pm

      Hold the ctrl button and press the ‘+’ button until its large enough to read. Do the same with the ‘-‘ button to decrease the size of the text.

      • Y
        November 26, 2019 at 9:40 am

        Who downvotes this comment?
        He’s helping you read the damn blog!

        • ncfoothillbilly
          November 26, 2019 at 12:03 pm

          Micro phallusy and red hair cause irrational downvoting. I cant see the votes, anyway, due to my script and ad blockers.

  • Trucker Turtle Rider
    November 25, 2019 at 12:58 pm

    Bristol you are a BAMF that was awesome true artistry.

  • Hey Uber
    November 25, 2019 at 12:42 pm

    This kid drives for a major transportation company and admitted to smoking marijuana while driving and also tried to scam Uber and the company of a client. How can he not be fired?

  • Spic Tormentor
    November 25, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    The worst part about this is knowing that he beat his tiny little dick to whatever fake profile picture was used.

  • A great human being
    November 25, 2019 at 12:17 pm

    Maybe if this poor pathetic fuck put his great looks creepy thoughts, saving his virginity for any piece of pussy he can get ( young boys don’t count nor does taking it from behind from “new roomates”) etc.etc,he could make a very good living playing the creep in anyone of those murder reanactments or the pedophile guy a who rapes harmless ppl.. Although I’m guessing those uber ppl are taking it in especially Plainville MA

  • Ratchetsaurous Rex
    November 25, 2019 at 11:49 am

    Bristol I fucking ADORE you! Don’t ever FUCK with TB and Friends!!

  • Hey Studmuffin
    November 25, 2019 at 11:48 am

    Leave some pussy for the rest of us!

  • Don't worry Joe
    November 25, 2019 at 11:45 am

    You are quite the catch and won’t be on the market long.

    Question, I’m into handcuffs, do you always scream like that? I’ve got neighbors….

  • ChipChipperson
    November 25, 2019 at 11:40 am

    “gosh I’m so hot and lonely :,-)”

    “Huh? Listen to my long-winded rant about the police state, and don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel”

    Fucking blowhard.

  • What A Tool
    November 25, 2019 at 11:33 am

    Wow that kid is one of the biggest losers on the planet. He is successfully going through life without a single accomplishment. Nit a job, family or even any friends. That must be why he goes around harassing people. It’s his only interaction with other people Thank goodness he has weed and a job at Uber. Which when we report him for trying to circumvent their system and offering to smoke cannabis while operating his Uber will surely get him fired

  • AJ Alphonse
    November 25, 2019 at 11:29 am

    So evil, gotta love it. Nice work Bristol.

  • Finn
    November 25, 2019 at 11:24 am

    Bristol,

    I got douche-chills for him. Epic take-down. You’re the best!

    Finn

  • Really?
    November 25, 2019 at 11:24 am

    Congrats? I guess. You sure do have a ton of free time.

    I dunno, when you sink as low as this it just seems as rachet as the folks you mock. You lose the moral high ground.

    • Yes... Really
      November 25, 2019 at 11:36 am

      And here you are everyday

    • Yeah, really really
      November 25, 2019 at 1:17 pm

      Nah. Get the fuck out of here with that horseshit. Not even close to the same thing. Grundlestiltskin spends the majority of his valueless time provoking,baiting people, and lying for attention. The other person volunteers their spare time to do the work of documenting and exposing troglodytes who have it coming.

  • ITCHY_BALLS
    November 25, 2019 at 11:15 am

    You will be exposed for “everything” Lmaooooooooo…Great job. I never laughed so hard in my life…

    • ITCHY_BALLS
      November 25, 2019 at 11:27 am

      Really as Finn would say “Get Fucked”

  • Lee Ho
    November 25, 2019 at 11:12 am

    Facial hair look like he went down on it and came up with it.

    • Yo
      November 26, 2019 at 8:12 pm

      What the fuck kind of grody-ass chicks you goin’ down on, Lee.

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