Turtleboy Investigates

I Could Pick Any Person I Want To And Vote In Their Place Because Our Elections Are A Joke, My Grandmother Is Running The Polls, And Voter ID Laws Are Racist

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Every year I’m blown away by the fact that I don’t have to show ID to vote. Just to show you what a joke our elections are, here’s what happened when I went to vote today. First I go over to my precinct table and the old lady holding the red colored pencil asks me what street I live on. Since I know what streets are in this precinct (or could look it up prior to voting if I didn’t) I can literally pick any street I want to. She then opens her stapled pieces of paper revealing all the names and addresses of my neighbors who live on that street. Next to their names is a box that is either blank or filled in with a red colored pencil:

At this point I can pick any name I want. I can clearly see who has voted and who has not based on whether or not she filled in the checkbox with her red colored pencil. My wife had something come up unexpectedly today so she won’t be able to make it home in time to vote. No big deal though. I’ve already spoken with a woman who will go there, tell her my wife’s name and address, and vote in her place. Because our elections are a fucking joke.

I’ve shown up to vote before and someone had already voted in my name, so I assure you it happens. It was getting late that particular day and I could’ve argued with them and tried to resolve it, which would’ve taken time, or just pick another name and voted as someone else. I chose the latter. It’s that easy.

I asked the lady how she knew it was really me when I got my ballot. She laughed and said she didn’t know and that we should probably require ID to vote. I called her a racist, got in my Prius, and went home read the Huffington Post while taking an organic dump.

After that you go onto round 2 of 2 – the even older lady who checks your name off the same exact list the first lady checked your name off of.

The only thing you have to remember at this point is to pick the same name you picked the first time. Oh wait, actually it doesn’t matter. You can pick a completely different name this time around because nice old lady #2 doesn’t cross reference her red color checkmarked box with nice old lady #1’s red color checkmarked box.

This is archaic and outdated, and the fate of our democracy rests on the legitimacy of this voting process. But please, tell me more about how the Russians are the biggest threat to the legitimacy of our elections. And tell me more about how we don’t need voter ID laws. What could possibly go wrong?

23 Comment(s)
  • don
    November 7, 2018 at 1:05 pm

    my wife and I had to show an ID to vote here in rhode island.

  • James Nasium
    November 7, 2018 at 12:05 pm

    This is notorious in Boston and if you’re not doing it you’re not getting elected. The campaigns know who does or doesn’t vote amongst the registered list (any person can actually buy this info from the city – it doesn’t say who people voted for, just if and when they were marked as having voted). Campaign teams hand out lists of names to use to volunteers (mainly union supporters) and they hit at least two names (spaced out in time) at nearly every precinct in the city. Add that up by a roster of volunteers, and you win. How do I know? I’ve done it.

  • Barney Frank
    November 6, 2018 at 9:49 pm

    I love being a liberal cuz I can get away with under age sex and run a brothel out of my dc house. Vote blue so I can continue the ass raping.

  • ninja turtleboy
    November 6, 2018 at 7:30 pm

    my mom doesn’t vote so i always vote as myself and then go back later and vote as my mom. this method of voting is retarded but good for me

  • What a fuckin backwoods, jerkwater berg you live in!
    November 6, 2018 at 5:02 pm

    What kind of backwoods, fucking town do you live in? “Fuck-your-cousin-and-call-them-your-wife/husband”?

    What happens if you bring your goat/sheep to the polling place and call them your wife/husband and provide them with an id?

    Grease up your pole it’s time for some lovin’

  • YourRight
    November 6, 2018 at 1:52 pm

    You are absolutely right, I can be anyone I want to be at the polling station and that 90 year old woman checking me in would not bat A eye.

  • Rochambeau
    November 6, 2018 at 1:05 pm

    It would cost less than $2 to license every voter in the state. Here’s how: There are 6,868,000 voters in Massachusetts (2018). There are 5,040,662 (2016) licensed drivers. 1,819,338 unlicensed voters remain. Assuming that it costs the state $5 for a Mass ID (and it’s probably less), that’s $1.80 that each licensed driver could pay so that everyone has an ID. Viola, no poll tax and no disenfranchised citizens. The reason Massachusetts can’t do this is because… why? It’s not like this state has some aversion to fees. What could the reason be?

    • HH
      We're Doomed
      November 6, 2018 at 6:29 pm

      Add in the number of people that have a state ID instead of a license and it would be even less.

  • KimberlyS
    November 6, 2018 at 12:27 pm

    I live in a Voter ID state. This cycle, they had something new. Instead of the giant stacks of paper that they used to use (looking up your name with your ID, having you sign, etc.), they scanned my ID with a tablet and I signed the electronic surface. Pretty snazzy.

    One woman who was a little ahead of me in line was told that she was in the wrong precinct (based on her ID info) and she had to go somewhere else.

    That actually made me feel like our elections had some integrity 🙂

  • dirk
    November 6, 2018 at 12:19 pm

    In Massachusetts there is ZERO point in voting because whichever Democrat has the backing of the major unions is going to win guaranteed. Why even waste the time and effort trying to fight traffic, get a parking spot, and then wait in line with a bunch of jamokes?

    • bigdaddy
      November 6, 2018 at 6:44 pm

      Obviously not a democrat controlled state

  • Minorities Busted For Fake Hate Crime
    November 6, 2018 at 12:11 pm

    Off the subject, but 100% Turtle:

    “Update 3:15 p.m. EDT Nov. 5: Four Brookwood High School marching band members planned the prank Friday night where they spelled a racial slur during the halftime show.

    Following an investigation Monday, Principal William Bo Ford Jr. released the following statement:

    ‘As promised, we started an investigation into this matter, and I wanted to share with you our current findings and the steps we are taking with the students who were involved. After extensive interviews with many students, we have determined that three seniors intentionally planned and executed the use of the sousaphone covers to spell out a completely unacceptable, racist term. The fourth student, a junior, who carried one of the letters spelling out the word, appears to have gone along with the plan at the last minute. However, all four of the students knew what was going to happen and knew what they were spelling out during the halftime show. In our interviews, the students– two of whom are African American, one of whom is Asian, and one of whom is Hispanic – indicated that this was intended as a joke, one that they thought would be funny. However, they acknowledged that they knew this racist term was not acceptable. We have identified two other students who do not appear to be involved in the planning and execution but did provide false information to school officials. All six of these students will receive discipline consequences commensurate with their involvement in this incident.’

    Original report: The halftime show at the Friday night football game between Gwinnett County’s Brookwood High and DeKalb County’s Lakeside High had spectators talking about more than the score.

    Some band members assembled themselves to spell out the word ‘coon’ using instrument covers that are normally used to spell ‘broncos’, the school mascot.

    In a letter to students, parents and the community Brookwood Principal William Bo Ford Jr. apologized for the ‘completely unacceptable, racial term’.

    A concerned resident sent a photo and a copy of the letter to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

    Ford explained how the incident took place:

    ‘For those of you who have attended our games, you may have noticed that the sousaphones (a brass instrument similar to a tuba) wear covers in the stands to show school spirit. The covers spell out BRONCOS and some of them feature our Bronco mascot. Our band does not wear these covers on the field because they shield the sound and because during the halftime show our band members move around the field and do not stand in the same order as they do in the stands. That said, last night during what was already a very busy senior night, we experienced several personnel challenges that resulted in our band director not being on the field when the band took the field.

    With that in mind, when the sousaphone players took the field, they did not follow band rules and normal practice, and instead, they left the covers on their instruments.

    In the apology, Ford said, the event is under investigation there will be ‘disciplinary action with the students involved.'”

  • John Ramey
    November 6, 2018 at 12:09 pm

    I’ve complained about this for years. Assuming the really old guy with the wide open address book can even hear me, he just smiles. I could easily vote in every precinct in my city. Easily. I need an ID to buy cigs (I’m 61 !!!) but not to vote. McGovern’s wet dream…

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    November 6, 2018 at 11:47 am

    I’ve been doing this for years. I know who doesn’t vote so I use their info.

    I voted 6 times for Warren already today.

    One time the old lady said I looked familiar. I told her that was my twin brother earlier.

    • FBI
      November 6, 2018 at 11:53 am

      We know.

      See you soon.

      • randiguy2006
        Randall Guy
        November 6, 2018 at 12:03 pm


    • Carmen Quintana
      November 6, 2018 at 6:31 pm

      Nice work. Im way ahead of you though. For the past 2 months I have scanned the obituaries in the eastern part of the state, framingham to east boston up to rock port and west to townsend. I put over 300 miles on my car today and voted 550 times, my wife 550 times, my 17 year old daughter 550 times, my 16 year old step son 550 times, my 15 year old son 550 times and my 13 year old daughter 550 times. We voted straight republican and no on all questions. Might as well take advantage of the system.

      • Ted Cruz
        November 7, 2018 at 8:05 am

        Bullshit. Everyone knows that the dead vote Democrat.

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    November 6, 2018 at 11:44 am

    Why do you hate freedom?

    • Every Warden In The U.S.
      November 6, 2018 at 12:01 pm

      Democrats don’t carry ID because they know they’re getting arrested for what they just did.

      That’s why the prisons are full of them.

      • Resistance is futile
        November 6, 2018 at 12:44 pm

        And soon enough they can vote from the comfort of their cell. Jails will be a goldmine. Between the political orientation and what would likely be close to 100% turnout it’s a slam dunk. Military ballots on the other hand…

    • William Jefferson Clinton
      November 6, 2018 at 2:27 pm

      “” we got organized as a country and we wrote a fairly radical Constitution with a radical Bill of Rights, giving a radical amount of individual freedom to Americans, it was assumed that the Americans who had that freedom would use it responsibly … [Now] there’s a lot of irresponsibility. And so a lot of people say there’s too much freedom. When personal freedom’s being abused, you have to move to limit it.”

      • don
        November 7, 2018 at 1:12 pm

        its because all these corrupt lawyers are changing the wording and getting away with it.

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