I Want What 54% Of Americans Are Smoking Who Think San Antonio Spurs Will Beat The Miami Heat In NBA Finals

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


The NBA Finals is set again. And surprise, surprise it’s a rematch between the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat. Further proof why watching or getting invested in the NBA is a really, really dumb thing to do. I mean, was there ever any doubt who would be in the finals? Nope. On that note I saw this poll on

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Ummmm, America, are you guys all smoking crack? I hate the Heat as much as the next blue-blooded American. But yea, obviously you’re insane if you think San Antonio has any shot at winning this thing. Newsflash – the Heat have this guy named LeBron James. Under no circumstances will the league allow him to lose. Even people in South Dakota know that.

Here’s the script for the NBA Finals. First of all, it’s going seven games. Because seven games makes the NBA a lot more money than four, five, or six games. They’ll split in San Antonio for the first two games. Then Miami will take two of three at home in the next three games. This will set up a situation where San Antonio will have to win the final two games at home to finish them off. They’ll win the first and then LeBron will carry them in the Game 7. It’s science.

This is why the NBA is such a terrible, terrible league. Like, when Miami was up 3-2 on the Indiana Pacers did anyone out there actually think Indy had ANY shot at beating them? Nope. Meanwhile look at the NHL. Bruins up 3-2 on Montreal. Sharks up 3-0 on Los Angeles. Penguins up 3-1 on New York. All those series ended in comebacks. Pretty routine in the NHL. As I watch this the Kings and Blackhawks are tied 3-3 in the second period of Game 7. You know who’s gonna win this game? No, you don’t have any fucking clue who’s gonna win this game. That’s why it’s awesome.

The moral of the story is that the NHL is unpredictable, which is a pretty important component of sports. The NBA on the other hand is as predictable as you get. Everyone wants the Heat to lose, which I understand. I fucking hate those assholes. But you’re living in a fantasy world if you think the old man Spurs have a fighting shot in this one. The 54% of American dingleberries who said they think San Antonio is winning this thing would NEVER EVER put any money on that. Because they like their money and they’d like to hold onto it. And they know deep in their heart of hearts that if they bet on anyone but Miami then that money is as good as gone.

P.S. At some point in this series the Spurs will be winning – 1-0, 2-0, doesn’t matter. That’s the point where you immediately want to get your bets in on the Heat. The Moneyline will be getting close to +180 for the Heat when that happens. Free money. Thank me later.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.




10 Comment(s)
  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    March 12, 2019 at 8:24 am

    OK, this one prediction was just so wrong! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    And the world is glad you were.

  • Wabbitt
    June 3, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    I really, REALLY want the Spurs to win. But here’s how it’s going to play out…

    Heat takes game one.
    Spurs blow out the Heat in game two.
    Spurs win a nail biter in game three.
    Heat comes from behind to win game four.
    Spurs take game five at home.
    Heat takes game six at home.
    Spurs lead at the half of game seven, but LeBron leads a “remarkable” forth quarter comeback.

    Because that’s the best television, which will make the NBA the most money. LeBron will put on his little sister’s shirt and Kanye’s shades and perform a remarkable feat of flexibility by kissing his own ass. Drake will show up at the locker room door wearing a Heat jersey over a Spurs jersey, and will not be allowed entry. Celtics fans will die a little inside.

    • Joey G
      June 4, 2014 at 7:02 am

      Thumbs down… because I know you are right.

  • Sriram Bala
    June 2, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    NBA finals format is 2-2-1-1-1 this year in case you didn’t know. Also, I think the poll results are largely based on who America wants to win the finals. You can’t blame people for not liking LeBron. I would normally agree with you that the league seems biased in favoring certain teams/players and this is further supported by key calls by refs in games that may swing the tide. However, If the Spurs do win the finals, you need to write an article saying that you were wrong in your prediction.

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:19 pm

      If the Spurs win I will eat my shoe. Free rides on my turtle for everyone!!

  • Joey G
    June 1, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    You forget that half of America doesn’t realize that the NBA is the WWE. The only hope the Spurs have is if Adam Silver is not a total hack like David Stern and just lets the two teams play. The chances of that happening are the same as the Celtics winning the draft lottery.

  • Tim
    June 1, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    I get what your saying, but the Spurs are pretty damn good. Thats why people think they can win….not because they’re smoking crack. Spurs in 7.

    • June 1, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      I would like to put a wager on that with you Tim. How much are you willing to bet? I will put up my magical turtle or my house. Whichever you prefer.

      • Tim
        June 2, 2014 at 7:29 pm

        If the Heat win I will never disagree with an opinion on your blog no matter how irrational it is. If the Spurs win you must write a blog about why the US soccer team will win the World Cup. should be easy considering your love of soccer.

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