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So I’ve been following this upstate New York prison break for the past couple days now, and I think it’s absolutely fascinating. If you’re not familiar with what I’m talking about, two convicted murderers, Richard Matt and David Sweat, broke out of Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora, NY. They used power tools, which police believe were given to them by prison employee Joyce Mitchell, to cut through a steel wall in their cells and crawl through a series of pipes before emerging on the outside out of a manhole cover.

It’s absolutely fascinating. Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is The Shawshank Redemption. That movie has ruined me for shit like this, because I instinctively root for the guys who broke out of prison. You temporarily forget that these mother fuckers would kill my entire family in a split second. This isn’t Tim Robbins and wise old Morgan Freeman we’re dealing with. These are two cold-blooded honkies.

I just cannot believe they haven’t been caught yet. It’s been five days, and EVERYONE is looking for them. Yet there are hardly even any solid leads. Do you realize how amazing that is? I’ve reached the point where I honestly don’t think they will ever be caught. These guys are too good.

Of course at the same time, it’s easy to be good when you have a huge schmenzer. According to one of the detectives who investigated the murder that put Richard Matt in jail, he is extremely well endowed:

“When [Matt’s] cleaned up, he’s very handsome and, in all frankness, very well endowed. He gets girlfriends any place he goes.”

His name is Dick Matt. Of course he has a massive ding-dong. And obviously he’s not from Central Mass, because as we all know by now, there is a serious lack of good dick in Central Mass. How do you think he got the power tools from Joyce Mitchell? She’s not exactly the belle of the ball:

Her husband actually works in the prison too. But clearly as you can see from this photogenic woman, she is very likely in need of the services that Dick Matt can provide for her. There is no word yet on the size of Mr. Sweat’s Johnson, but most likely it was the goods that Dick Matt was packing that got them the power tools.

The only questions now remaining are, 1) will they be caught, and 2) will they stick together? What do you do if you’re David Sweat? On the one hand you’re scared shitless of this guy. He’s in jail for torturing a 76 year old man for hours before killing him. He’s a professional con artist and could easily be setting him up to take him out while he sleeps. He certainly doesn’t need him any more.

But on the other hand he kind of needs Dick Matt for the big package doesn’t he? If he could get all that stuff inside of prison, using only the power of his schmenzer, just think what he’ll be able to get his hands on the outside. Imagine if Dick Matt came to Worcester. Joe Petty would hand him the key to the city and he’d own Sweaty Betty’s by now.

My prediction is that David Sweat gets caught by this weekend and we never see the well-endowed legend ever again, as he enjoys the sweet fruits of socialist Canada.

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