If Bob Kraft Didn’t Make A Secret Deal To Free Tom Brady Then He Is The Biggest Dooshnozzle Ever

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If you haven’t heard what happened yet, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft announced early this afternoon that he would accept the cruel and unusual punishment meted out by known communist Roger Goodell. There’s really not much to say except for the obvious – Kraft made a deal that benefits the Patriots. On the outside it looks like Kraft bent over and took it. But you’re forgetting a very important fact – rich people don’t bend over for anyone. Bob Kraft would eat Turtleboy Jr’s soul if he could get a hot tip on a mutual fund.

There are only five possible ways you can explain the bizarre change of events. We will briefly examine the believability of each and tell you where it ranks on a scale  from most likely to least likely, in the following order: anyone who doesn’t believe this is a moron, obviously, def a poss, calm down fuck boi, YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

1. Kraft owes something to the owners.

He got them all to cave back during the lockout. There’s definitely a few lucky sperm owners that lost out on a private jet because Kraft convinced them that watching their crappy football teams lose on Sundays was better than taking a bath full of gold coins. Anyone who thinks that Kraft is more loyal to the fans than he is the other owners is delusionsal.

Likelihood – Def a poss.

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2. The other owners have something on him.

Most likely what they would have on him is a dead hooker. Maybe a live one, but probably dead. Rich people and dead hookers go hand in hand. Kraft has the best viagara money can buy and probably has gone on a few benders since his wife passed away. No one would be shocked if he liked hanging out with Jim Irsay and split a big bag of spit and a Providence lady of the night. Things might’ve gotten a little out of control hanging out with Irsay and the two of them ended up tossing her in the Neponset River.

Likelihood –  Calm down fuck boi.

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3. He wants to save money with Brady and possibly dump his salary if Garoppolo peforms. 

This is a win-win for Bob Kraft and it’s right up his alley. Don’t forget, he conceded a first round draft pick in this. First round draft picks cost money. Why pay a stud defensive back when you can get a long snapper from Rutgers? Kraft is loyal to Brady so long as his arm is golden. The second Kraft thinks he can get something out of Garoppolo and pay him much less, is the second he says, “Tom who?” Wouldn’t surprise me if Belichick is in on this too. After all, they got Jacksonville Week 3, so that’s a win no matter who’s playing quarterback. Last year they started off 2-2 and won the Super Bowl. In their mind they have nothing to lose by starting Garoppolo for the first four games of the season.

Likelihood – Obviously.

roger goodell memes


4. He got Brady’s suspension eliminated. 

Like I said – rich people are rich because they’re Kraftier than us. And with Kraft it’s all about pride. I cannot fathom a situation in which Bob Kraft bent over, took what Roger Goodell bestowed upon him, and said, “thank you sir, may I have another?

Likelihood – Anyone who doesn’t believe this is a moron.

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5. Bob Kraft is a complete asshole who sold his team and quarterback down the river without getting any benefits in return.

At first I thought this might’ve happened, but then I realized that was really, really dumb of me. There’s no possible way that’s the end of this. No way. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. But I want our boy Jerry Thornton from WEEI along with all the other fanboys who continue to refer to Bob Kraft as “Mr. Kraft,” to make a promise. If Bob Kraft did in fact sell the Patriots down the river and get nothing in return for it, they have to stop calling him Mr. Kraft. Bob Kraft is not your cub scout den leader. He’s a billionaire who owns your favorite fotoball team. He’s done nothing to earn your respect except charge you $40 for parking while he let Darrelle Revis go.


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So which one is it? You tell me. I suppose a better question will be, how will the hippies turn this into a “Turtleboy is racist” thing?

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8 Comment(s)
  • RSoxGuy
    May 19, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    I really dont get this. He just put that website dedicated to trashin the Wells report but now hes “reluctantly” giving in?

    This really hurts Bradys appeal. Kraft looks guity and now if he gets it reduced it loks like Goodell made a side deal with Kraft.

    Id rather see Brady serve the 4 games then have Kraft get those 2 picks back. Think about it this way, Brady probly has 2 years left while those 2 draft picks would still be on the roster and still under rookie contract for another yr while Brady is retired in Brazil with his goddess wife.

    It could be worse. We could be Miami extending Tannehill to 2020 for $90 MIL lolololllolool

  • TurtleBoySpurts
    May 19, 2015 at 5:14 pm

    The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Mr. Kraft, after reviewing the evidence for himself, decided that Brady is in fact a cheater and a liar, and decided to be the adult in the room and take it like a man. No one is surprised that that explanation somehow escapes you, as lying, cheating, illegal dumping of hazardous waste, are all acceptable in your white thug playbook.

    • Danus
      May 19, 2015 at 6:16 pm

      Someone peed in your punch, man. Has to wear on you to repeat over and over the same things.

    • RJ
      May 19, 2015 at 6:27 pm

      Wow, you’re an obnoxious racist and an anti-Patriots toadie?



    • RSoxGuy
      May 19, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      Ahhh yes, one trick pony Baldino trolling with his typical raist hate speech again. Take your crazy pills and go back to bed in bleach white Sutton.

      “Adult in the room”? Take your own advice hypocrite.

      • Danus
        May 19, 2015 at 8:11 pm

        And a Giants fan. He likes his traditions.

  • Clean Hippie
    May 19, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    Gotta say I agree. I def feel like Brady is thinking back to the days of Bledsoe when it comes to Garopppollo. Just wondering, is there any reason to believe the suspension got eliminated, or is this wild speculation? Good to see the sports part of the blog name being upheld, let’s keep this up

    • Danus
      May 19, 2015 at 4:53 pm

      These are refreshing every once and a while.

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