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I have a confession to make. I’ve been rooting for the Cleveland Browns all season. Not necessarily because I like their poop colored uniforms, but because of two main reasons:
1) America loves a good underdog
2) I can’t help but root for Tom Brady’s former backups, like Brian Hoyer
Reason number one is self evident. The Browns suck. Bad. They’ve had two winning seasons in the last 15 years, so they haven’t quite reached Buffalo levels of suckyness, but they’re a close second.
As for reason number two, how can you not root for Brady backups? When someone leaves the New England Patriots and does well in another team’s uniform, doesn’t that just reaffirm that the Patriots are the greatest thing since sliced bread? Not only do we destroy your dreams, we also give birth to a new generation that can also have it’s way with you.
I rooted for Matt Cassel as soon as he left. I truly believed in that guy. And in 2010 he quietly put up MVP-esque numbers (27 touchdowns, 7 INTS). Since then he’s had a bunch of injuries and he’s had to play for crapbag teams so he’s had no shot really. It’s like playing quarterback for the Jets. You can’t possibly win.
I rooted for Ryan Mallett too. I think the media drove him out of town because he had a couple shitty preseason throws. The guy has the skills though.
But Brian Hoyer is about to get the shaft like no Brady backup has ever gotten shafted. All he’s done this season is lead the Browns to playoff contention for the first time since 2007. Has he been Tom Brady? Nope. But he is on pace to throw for over 4,000 yards, and most importantly he’s guided them to seven wins. In other words, he’s Tom Brady from 2001.
And when the Browns win it’s not because they’re better than the other team. It’s because Hoyer sacked up in the 4th quarter and led them to victory. Check out these games:
- Week 2 vs. Saints. Browns were down by one with the ball, at their OWN four yard line, and only 3:00 left in the game. Hoyer led them on a game winning drive, completing 7 of 8 passes, that resulted in a Billy Cundiff game winning field goal.
- Week 5 at Titans. Browns were somehow losing to Tennessee 28-22 with 3:00 left in the game. Hoyer led Cleveland down the field, completing 3 of 4 passes for 42 yards and the game winning touchdown.
- Week 9 vs. Bucs. Browns were once again losing to a terrible team, down 17-16 with 8:00 to go in the game. Hoyer needs only one play for the game winning touchdown to Taylor Gabriel.
- Week 10 @ Bengals. Hoyer does what he does best against the first place Bengals – not completely fuck up. He throws no touchdowns and no interceptions. But he completes 15 of 23 passes for 198 yards, and manages the Browns to a facializing 24-3 victory.
- Week 12 @ Falcons. This game was insane. Atlanta QB Matt Ryan had just led the Falcons on what appeared to be a game drive resulting in a 53 yard Matt Bryant field goal. They left only 44 seconds on the clock and the Browns had to start at their own 20 yard line. Turned out that this was more than enough time for Hoyer to drive 61 yards on four of five passing attempts and set up another Billy Cundiff game winning field goal.
I don’t give a shit if he’s bald and completely unsexy. That’s a nice little resume Hoyer put together this season. But for whatever reason this past Sunday against the Buffalo Bills the Browns decided to tell Hoyer to go fuck himself. Granted Hoyer was playing like a steamy pile of Cleveland poop. But as he’s shown time and time again, the 4th quarter is Hoyer time.
For whatever reason though the Browns decided it was time to put in Johnny Rookie Bitch, formerly known as Johnny Manziel. Of course in his first drive he led them to a touchdown and he did his dumbass “money” sign. At that point it was clear that Hoyer was officially a benchwarmer.
The internet obviously exploded and everyone was anointing this asshat as the next big thing. Then he tried pulling his Texas A&M bullshit and discovered the hard way that the NFL is not the SEC. Down 23-10 this happened:
First he somehow fucks up the snap, presumably because he was envisioning his next touchdown celebration. Then instead of taking the sack with a 300 pound Kyle Williams bearing down on him, he thought he’d pull some of his Johnny Rookie Bitch magic out of his ass, and tried to create something out of nothing. Needless to say it backfired completely. First he tried to throw the ball directly at Williams
When that didn’t work he just kind of said fuck it and threw the ball up in the air
Then he got knocked out and fumbled the ball and the Bills scored a touchdown (later reversed of course because the Bills are also cursed)
and of course he STAYED down
Welcome to the NFL. BITCH!!!
I’m not saying that Brian Hoyer would’ve led them back from a 13 point deficit on the road. But I am saying that this wouldn’t happen to him. The Browns are not a great team – they’re a slightly above average team. If they get into the playoffs they won’t win a game. But for the people of Cleveland that doesn’t matter. You’re the Browns, you should just be happy you’re invited to the dance at all. Imagine being a fan of a team that hasn’t made the playoffs since 2002. That must suck. For us chosen people (Patriots fans) a down year means losing in the AFC Championship game.
Their schedule is pretty impossible for the final four week – Colts, Bengals, Panthers, Ravens. Chances are that Hoyer would not lead them to a 3-1 record against that schedule. But he could. He’s beaten the Bengals before, the Panthers are a joke, and he could squeak one out against either the Colts or the Ravens.
Johnny Rookie Bitch does not have it in him to beat those kind of teams. Media hacks like Peter King want him to play because they think he gives them the best shot at winning. If the Browns listen to these nudniks then I can no longer root for them. I would hope that JRB goes down in flames, but let’s be honest – that’s gonna happen anyway. And I can’t wait to watch it all go down.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.
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