If Lavar Ball Was My Father I’d Join The Ballet Just So He Would Kill Himself

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This is Lavar Ball:

And he is the biggest chud in sports right now. His three sons are all destined for the NBA. Lonzo is the likely #1 NBA draft pick this year, and is currently leading UCLA towards the Final Four. His younger brothers LiAngelo and LeMelo have also committed to UCLA.

They’re unbelievable to watch, especially the youngest one, who moves like melted butter up and down the court. Seriously, watch him score 92 points in this game.

Granted the defense is non-existent and the team he was playing against wasn’t full of NBA prospects. But I’ve never seen someone so smooth on the court like that before. It’s a work of art.

Unfortunately Lemelo, LiAngelo, and Lonzo’s Dad is the biggest dickhead who has ever lived. And somehow this week he did the unthinkable – he made LeBron James likable……

ESPN.com: LeBron James directed a cease-and-desist order of sorts on Tuesday to LaVar Ball, the outspoken father of three — including star UCLA freshman Lonzo Ball — who said earlier this month that his children are set up better for future success than those of the Cleveland Cavaliers‘ star.

“Keep my kids’ name out of your mouth. Keep my family out of your mouth,” James said of LaVar Ball to ESPN on Tuesday, as the Cavaliers practiced on UCLA’s campus, two days after a road victory over the Los Angeles Lakers.

“This is dad to dad. It’s a problem now.”

James’ two sons, 12-year-old LeBron James Jr. and 9-year-old Bryce Maximus James, have shown plenty of promise on the AAU circuit — to the point where the eldest son, “Bronny,” has standing verbal scholarship offers from Duke and Kentucky, as ESPN reported last summer. The Ball family includes Lonzo Ball and his two younger brothers, 18-year-old LiAngelo and 15-year-old LaMelo, both of whom will attend UCLA on scholarships in the coming years.

Like I said, much respect to Bron-Bron for standing up for his kid. You don’t talk about another man’s kids. But at the same time, naming your kid Bryce Maximus is the most Bron-Bron move of all time. 

LaVar Ball has been outspoken on a number of topics regarding his children in recent months, and he brought James’ family into the conversation while appearing on a recent episode of the In the Zone with Chris Broussard podcast. During the appearance, Ball suggested his sons were better set up for future success in basketball than James’ because the four-time NBA MVP’s pedigree will be too much for them to live up to.

“The monsters in the NBA, their dads wasn’t that good,” Ball said. “They were OK, they was players, but the fact that the old [Dell] Curry wasn’t no All-Star, he wasn’t cold. He could shoot the ball, though. Kobe Bryant, his dad wasn’t all that, that’s why he’s such a monster.

“You got LeBron, it’s going to be hard for his kids because they are going to look at them like, ‘You got to be just like your dad.’ And after a while, that pressure starts sitting on you like, ‘Why do I got to be just like him? What can’t I just be me?’ And then they are going to be like, ‘Aw, you’re soft, you’re not that good.’ Because the expectation is very, very high.”

What the hell is this guy even talking about? How much of a loser do you have to be to live this vicariously through your kids? Dude is a washed-up never-was. He played college basketball and averaged 2 points a game. He played football, and briefly made the practice squad for the Carolina Panthers. That’s about it. 

And he’s saying that Bron-Bron’s kids are fucked because their Dad is so good that they can’t live up to him. But his kids can because their Dad was such a mediocre nobody? OK. 

Ball also said that James’ success would preclude him from helping his sons develop their own playing careers. “Let’s say I really excelled in football and made millions and millions of dollars. Do I spend that time with them now? No, I’ve got the offseason, I’ve got to worry about myself. Now I just buy you everything. Now I get you a trainer and hope you turn out to be OK,” Ball said on the podcast. “Whereas the fact that I wasn’t all that, allows me to spend all that time to make my boys all that.”

Oh OK. So you sucked, and this makes you a better helicopter parent. Got it. 

LaVar Ball has said he was good enough to “kill” Michael Jordan one-on-one in his prime, which would seem to punch a hole in his theory that his sons are better off because their father was not an all-time great. On Tuesday night, following James’ retort, Ball said he doesn’t have a problem with James while sticking by his original point.

But wait….if Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time, and LaVar Ball could beat him in one on one, doesn’t that mean that it’s gonna be impossible for his kids to live up to their old man? Doesn’t this just completely contradict all the dumb things he said earlier?

“They asked me a question about, do I think superstar players’ kids are good. And just my opinion that I’ve never seen one that was really good,” Ball said on Fox Sport Radio. “LeBron is going to make his kids probably one of the best players ever, according to him … but I’ve never seen one really live up to what their dad has done, so he could be the first or the last.”

While Ball was critical of James’ children, he has offered otherworldly praise to his own, recently causing a stir by saying that Lonzo is already better than back-to-back MVP Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors.

“I actually like [Lonzo],” James told ESPN. “I like his game.”

LaVar Ball, though, is the issue.

“He can talk all about his brand, talk about his sons, talk about basketball, talk about me,” James told ESPN. “But keep my family out of this.”

Look, you can talk all the shit you want, and be the biggest dooshnozzle you can be. But you don’t talk about another man’s kids. There’s a million things you can bust on Bron-Bron for. He’s by far the most physically gifted player we’ve ever seen in the NBA, but he’s soft as shit, which makes him unlikeable. Until now at least. Bron-Bron could’ve just ignored it and been above it all, but you can’t let another man shit on your kids like that. I mean, one of them is nine. 

Would you want Lonzo on the Celtics? There’s a chance we get the #1 overall pick, and it’s gonna be pretty hard for the Celtics to pass on a 6’6″ point guard who can pass and rebound better than pretty much everyone on our team right now. Imagine dealing with Dad though? Here’s what he said the other day when LeMelo’s team was knocked out of the state playoffs:

“Man, we were supposed to go to Sacramento, but that coach is hard-headed. He wanted to do things his way. If we would have gotten along, we would have been in the state title easy. But he’s trying to have a little resistance towards me. And I’m like, ‘Man, try and do it your way. That’s why you lost three games. Because once he run and just play and when my son really wants to play for you, we’re gonna do good. But when you have any kind of resistance towards me, and you the head coach, it don’t work out that good. I already knew he was going to lose that game.”

Resistance towards you? What the fuck is wrong with this chud? You don’t matter. Coaches don’t have to get along with you. Oh, and that coach, just so happened to be the guy that let your kid score 92 points in a game without playing any defense. 

My question is, how do the kids put up with it? They have to all secretly hate him, right? He seems like one of those Dads who made you walk home in the rain if you missed a free throw during a game when you were six years old. I mean, Lonzo is gonna be basically working with people like Steph Curry and LeBron next year. He’s gonna be a rookie bitch. His Dad has said he’ll only play for the Lakers, which is gonna be problematic because….that’s not how professional sports works. You think Lonzo wants to deal with all this shit he didn’t sign up for because his Dad dragged him into it?

If I were LiAngelo I’d join the ballet just so he’d kill himself. Then I’d go back to playing basketball after that. Thanks for being a huge asshole and making me a great basketball player. But yea, I kind of don’t need you anymore and you’re only gonna get in the way. Nice knowing ya. 

The bottom line is that Lavar Ball is an irrelevant nobody who never amounted to shit, and has become a household name because he talks so much shit. Too bad, because I actually want his kids to do well because they’re so fun to watch. But imagine UCLA makes the Final Four this year? It will be unbearable. 

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