If USMNT Doesn’t Play For The Tie Against Germany Jurgen Klinsmann Should Be Deported

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.


So tomorrow the USMNT plays Germany. If the USA wins they advance. If they tie they advance. If Portugal and Ghana tie they advance. If they lose we’re probably still gonna advance if Portugal also beats Ghana. Want more specifics? Check out this dominant graph that Deadspin put out:

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 10.25.16 AM


I assume at least half of you are too moronic to read this thing. Basically the worst case scenario is Ghana beats Portugal and the US loses to Germany. There is almost no way we aren’t eliminated if that happens. Those outcomes are all indicated by the yellow color. If the US loses by one goal (which is a distinct possibility) and Ghana wins by one goal (which is a distinct possibility) then we’d be in one of those gray squares. The winner would be chosen by TOTAL goals scored. Going into tomorrow we have four goals and they have three. But let’s say we lose 1-0 and they win 1-0. They would tie us in goals scored. The next tiebreaker is head to head play, and we beat Ghana in head to head play.

This is just more proof that soccer is run by morons. Think of how fucking stupid it would be if Ghana won a tiebreaker with the US even though we beat them head to head. Because that makes a shit ton of sense. And guess what the final tiebreaker is? Drawing straws. LOL soccer.

Anyway, the green color indicates a much more unlikely scenario in which Portugal advances. Because they got facialized by zee Germans 4-0, their goal differential sucks. So even if we lose, and they beat Ghana, we’d still have the same amount of points, and because we didn’t get our ass kicked 4-0 we win the tiebreaker with the Port-a-gee-zee. If Portugal wins by one goal over Ghana, we would have to lose 5-0 not to advance. Not gonna happen. See ya later Portugal.


So obviously when you look at this it’s clear that both Germany and the US should aim for the tie right? It’s beneficial to both teams. Some dingleberries are saying shit like this:

“Yea, but Germany wants to win because they would win the Group that way and get an easier opponent in the tournament play.”

Newsflash – if Germany ties then they win the Group anyway because of the throttling goal differential from the Portugal game. Germany has absolutely no reason to win this game. The USA kind of does because they would win the Group and get an easier opponent (probably Algeria instead of Belgium) in the tournament. But honestly, who gives a shit? If the USA is going to win the World Cup then they’re gonna have to beat a bunch of really good fucking teams anyway, so who gives a shit where they’re seeded? Suppose they win the group and draw Algeria and beat them. They are rewarded with Argentina and the best player in the world. So yea, it doesn’t really matter if they win the group.

Now, I have no idea if USMNT coach Jurgen Klinssman is serious with this shit, but he claims America is NOT going to play for the tie:

“I think you’re talking about a game that is decades away that is only part of Germany’s history and not the United States,’’ he said. “We’re not made for ties. The United States is known to give everything they have in every single game. We have that fighting spirit and that energy.”

First of all, this is the same nudnik who said going into this tournament that America had no chance of winning. Now all of a sudden he’s Captain fucking America with the pedal to the metal? We’re not made for ties? Dude, we just tied. The USA soccer is known to give everything in every single game? Awesome. You know what else we’re known for? Sucking. How about we do what gives us the best shot at getting into the next round? How bout that Jurgen?


“So, we’re going to go into Recife very ambitious with a lot of confidence to beat Germany. This is our goal.”

“The message is very simple: We want to beat Germany,’’ Klinsmann said. “We want to be first in our group, so we’re not thinking about a tie.

“ We know a tie gets us through too, which if at the end of the day it ends up a tie because it’s an exciting game and a very close game, so be it. But our goal is to beat Germany.’’

This guy is the ultimate carpetbagger. Lives in Germany his whole life, then moves to America and is all of a sudden an expert on all things America. Newsflash Jurgen – America plays for the tie all the time. Korean war ended in a tie. The Vietnam war was supposed to end in a tie. The War of 1812 was a tie. World War 1 was basically a tie too. So please spare me the rhetoric about the history of a country you only recently called home.

I am assuming he’s just pulling a Belichick and lying through his teeth. That’s the only acceptable excuse for this dialogue. Because if this Kraut isn’t playing for the tie, then his ass needs to get deported immediately. Imagine we lose the game 2-0 because we’re too aggressive and they capitalize on that. Tell me it wouldn’t look like a giant sabotage job. It’s like this guy has a bone to pick with Germany.

You know which other coach had a bone to pick with his former team? This guy:


But this is not a Disney movie, and the USA does not have Adam Banks because unlike the Ducks they can’t gerrymander political boundaries for their advantage.

Anything less than a tie is simply unacceptable though. My question is, why do they even need to play the game? Can’t both teams just tell FIFA they’re gonna pack it in? I’m told the answer is no, which makes tons of fucking sense. How can you stop two teams from purposely playing for the tie? Can they measure effort? Can they make both teams play more aggressively? Nope. So why the fuck are they making us go through the spectacle of watching Germany and the USA kick the ball back and forth for 95 minutes?

I blame people like this:

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 10.45.19 AM

Play the game the right way? This IS HOW you play the game the right way. What does a football team do when it’s winning with a minute to go and has the ball? They take a knee because it’s in their best interest to take a knee. Clearly a tie is in America’s best interest here. Take the proverbial knee and let’s move on to the next round. From there on they just have to annihilate four more inferior countries and show the world that America still runs this shit. Beep-beep!! America’s coming. Get the fuck out of the way!!

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.











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