I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while, but I thought it would be more appropriate for the Sochi Olympics to finally come to an end. Before the games started a friend of mine wrote on Facebook that the Winter Olympics were better than the Summer games. I assumed he was being sarcastic. Turns out he was dead serious. I’m not sure if this is something other human beings actually believe in too, but if you do happen to subscribe to this belief, here’s why you’re wrong…..
The whole purpose of the winter olympics is to appease loser countries that don’t matter, like Switzerland and Austria. These countries are smaller than New Jersey and are only good for holding Nazi bank accounts and/or getting taken over by said Nazis. Every country that excels at the winter olympics has one thing in common – shitty weather. This isn’t something that should be celebrated.
There’s only so much you can do in the snow and ice before you start really stretching it. Like, how many different ways can we time people skiing down a hill? First we’ll make them go around poles. Then we’ll make them go over moguls. Then we’ll make them do flips. And how many different ways can we send guys in a speed suit down a sheet of ice? Two at a time? Four at a time? One at a time? One at a time face first? How much different shit can we do on a pair of skates? Figure skate? Ice dancing? Team figure skating? It’s like a boy scout camp in the cold.
The beauty of the summer olympics is the history. The events are classics. The marathon has a story to it. The shot-put, javelin, and discus were implements of war. Over 70% of the earth has been covered in water, so swimming is one of life’s basics. The only event in the winter olympics with any sort of history is the biathlon, which the Fins used to kill Russians during World War 2. Other than that it’s just a bunch of stuff that the IOC made up.
Another major thing that sucks about the winter olympics is that you don’t even know what any of these people look like. Skiers are bundled up and their faces are covered. In the summer olympics everyone is easily identifiable. In the winter olympics everyone looks like power rangers.
And how about the quality of stars involved in each olympic games? In the summer you get Usain Bolt, Michael Phelps Galen Rupp, etc. In the winter olympics you get a bunch of stoners and guys with beer bellies. And I’m sorry, but I only know who Apollo Ohno and Bode Miller are once every four years, and they’re probably the biggest names in the winter games.
Besides speedskating, hockey, and cross country skiing, nothing in the winter games involves head to head competition. Almost everything in the winter games is decided by either, a) corrupt judges who aren’t held accountable for their subjective scores, or b) time trials. Both of these suck for several reasons. Here’s why the following events in particular suck:
1. Women’s figure skating.
This event is solely made for chicks. No man can say they actually enjoy watching this with a straight face. The summer olympic version of it is gymnastics, which is a million times better. Gymnastics is an exhibition of amazing physical skill and prowess. I could watch McKayla Maroney vault all day, every day, for the rest of my life. Gabby Douglas does superhuman things on the uneven bars and the balance beam. Ally Raisman does crazy shit on an open floor.
What do figure skaters do? First, they all pick the worst possible music. Is there a rule that you have to pick your favorite song from Les Miserables when you take the ice? Then they spend the vast majority of their five minutes prancing around the ice. Every once in a while they’ll jump in the air and spin three times. I have no idea what separates one jump and spin from another. How do you know who’s winning? They all look exactly the same. After that they just tilt their head back and spin in a circle for 30 seconds. If anything, women’s figure skating is just a competition to see who can skate in the straightest line after purposely getting dizzy.
And how do they pick the winner? A bunch of judges from Iceland and Latvia who married into some connected IOC family just make up a number. That’s how.
2. Men’s Figure Skating.
As terrible as women’s figure skating is, men’s is a million times worse. At least in women’s figure skating they look good in their outfits. The male skaters spend WAY more time on their outfits. It’s like a competition to see who can look like the biggest jackass. Whether they’re dressing up as some sort of 1930’s swing dancer…
or a sexy matador….
or a movie usher with dignity…..
or a gay farmer…..
or whatever the hell this is supposed to be….
they always have the same goal: to get you to look at them and talk about their outfits. And somehow this actually affects their score.
Granted the summer olympics has men’s gymnastics, which isn’t as good as women’s, but it’s still a million times better than the freak show that is men’s figure skating.
3. Ski Jumping.
When you’ve seen one jump, you’ve seen them all. Some idiot comes down a long runway on skis and then the runway ends. He kicks his skis towards his head and bends over. Then he lands. I have no idea whose jump is good and whose is bad. The skis make absolutely no indent on the snow, so it’s not like you can even compare it to where other idiots landed. And how can you tell if one guy did a better job than another guy? They all look EXACTLY THE SAME when they’re doing this pointless event. Please tell me the difference between what these two guys are doing?
You can’t do it. They’re doing the exact same thing. It seems as if the fatter you are the better. Under no circumstances do I wanna watch something that fat people are better at, unless they’re shoving hot dogs down their gullet.
People always tell me they like curling. No you don’t. No one likes curling. This is a perfect example of how the winter olympics ran out of shit to do. It’s shuffleboard on ice. You might like playing shuffleboard, but that doesn’t mean you are entertained by a bunch of nudniks from Denmark who are rolling a cylinder down a sheet of ice. Nothing about that is entertaining at all. The summer games has no equivalent to this nightmare unless they make darts an official event.
5. Bobsledding, downhill skiing (all categories), skeleton, luge.
All of these events are terrible because you’re racing a clock. It’s literally a series of time trials. You watch a bobsled take off, and then you watch it through a series of different camera angles as gravity takes it down towards the finish. Every once in a while it will go through a checkpoint where you can see how much in front or behind the leader you are.
How is that exciting? In the summer olympics all of the races involve direct, head to head competition. Watching Mo Farrah and Galen Rupp out kick a pack of Kenyans in a 10K, or watching Usain Bolt blow away Tyson Gay and Justin Gatlin in the 100 meters, or watching Michael Phelps come from behind in the butterfly, is non stop suspense and excitement. Imagine watching each runner in the 100 meters ran the dash by themselves, and we find out how far behind the leader they are every 20 meters. That’s essentially what every winter event involving a watch does.
The lone exception is short track speed skating. That’s BY FAR the best event in the oympics. Seven guys from Korea going around in a circle 15 times and falling all over the place. Shit’s intense. I don’t understand the long track speed skating though. Why do they put seven guys on the little track, but only two guys on the big track? Makes no sense.
If skateboarding or surfing were summer events, they would be the equivalent of snowboarding. A bunch of bros with long hair who should be riding the rails outside of the public library instead of participating in an olympic event. That’s who does snowboarding. They’re turning the winter olympics into the X games because they’ve just ran out of good ideas. The fact that this guy won a medal
is all the proof you need that the winter olympics suck.
7. Cross Country Skiing.
This is probably the second best event, which tells you how stupid the winter olympics are. At least in this event they actually race other human beings though. But who the hell cross country skis? A bunch of people who live in environments where they can cross country ski. That eliminates like 90% of the world. The summer olympics include everyone. Anyone can play volleyball, run track, swim, do some flips, kick a ball, or shoot a ball into a hoop. The only people who can cross country ski are people that can, a) afford skis, and b) live in a place with snow.
I love hockey. Love the Bruins. Can’t stand Olympic hockey. I should never be put in a position where I have to root for a dandy like Max Pacioretty over a 100% man like Patrice Bergeron. I rest my case.
Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.