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Indiana “No Gays Allowed” Pizza Shop Morons Might Be The Smartest People In America

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I’ve been meaning to chime in about the No Gays Allowed law in Indiana, but I’ve been bogged down with Lisa Dyer’s magical bag of tricks. Anyway, apparently when people in Indiana aren’t whining about deflated footballs they’re monitoring what gay dudes are purchasing. The law that the Indiana State Legislature recently passed is codenamed the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act,” because it sounded a lot better than “Get the hell out of my face homo.” Kind of like how “Coming Together Circlejerk” sounds a lot better than “Kill Whitey.”

Look, you can tell me it’s about religious freedom, and blah, blah, blah. No it’s not. Some people just think gay people have koodies and transmit the gay through money. Like these geniuses:

Well, on the bright side I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one having trouble getting cheese pizzas.

Alright, first of all, what kind of gay wedding is catered by a backwoods Indiana pizza joint? If two straight dudes got married to each other for the legal benefits I would expect this. But not from real gay people.

But more importantly, we might’ve found the most magnificently and unintentionally hilarious morons in America.

We’re not discriminating against anyone. It’s just our religious beliefs. “

Yea, it’s totally not a big deal. We don’t let in any sinners. Why just last week some harlet walked in there with a scarlet A tattooed on her ass and she was denied service for adultery. Then this other guy was about to get away with a pizza before he announced to the world that after he ate it he was gonna go on Redtube and treat his body like an amusement park. No pizza for you. And what if you covet your neighbors wife? Can you still eat the pizza there? What if I covet Dr. Jr. Smokeshow Sonya Conner? Can I eat your pizza?

“I don’t think it’s targeting gays. I don’t think it’s discrimination.”

Yea, it’s totally not discriminatory or targeting gay people. Except for all the discrimination. And the fact that it’s only used to discriminate against gays. Besides that she hit the nail right on the head.

 

The best though was the Dad:

Screen Shot 2015-04-02 at 9.36.18 PM

“That’s a lifestyle that you choose. I choose to be heterosexual.”

Yea, being gay or heterosexual is a cognizant choice we all make at some point in our lives. Even ask Kevin O’Connor. He blew a few guys and said, “This ain’t for me.”  I remember when I had to make my big choice. Should I be straight or gay? I mean, I liked the fact that I could wear cool sweater vests and get a full body wax. But it was all the gay sex that I wasn’t a fan of. Ultimately I had to go with straight. Tough choice.

“Why should I be beat over the head because they chose that lifestyle.”

Yea, they wanna pay you money to take a bunch of mozzarella, sauce, and dough and turn it into a pizza. Pretty oppressive shit right there.

Look, I don’t think people who are against marriage are bad people or bigots. They’re just stubborn and resistant to change. And at this point they’ve clearly lost the battle so they’re going down with the ship. It’s like those guys in the Alamo. They knew the battle was over but at the same time, fuck Mexico.

And I’ve heard all the arguments about how they have the right to not have a lifestyle they don’t approve of shoved down their throats (no pun intended). But they just don’t make any sense. It’s like, dude, you make pizza. Then you sell the pizza. Whether or not the people consuming that pizza are gonna have a rhinestone tickle party afterwards is irrelevant. Because at the end of the day, you’re not endorsing what they’re doing and you’re not even supporting gay marriage. You’re making a fucking a pizza and then you’re getting money for it. That’s the extent of your involvement in the wedding. You can still hate the gays and make money off them.

Unfortunately for them it was probably not a wise idea to go on TV and do an interview like this. What with the Internet and all:

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I’m not gay or anything, but I would absolutely demolish that dick pizza. I kind of felt bad for the folks at Memories Pizza. They’re getting death threats and their business is in danger of shutting down. At least it was until I saw this:

Screen Shot 2015-04-02 at 10.44.38 PM

Oh for fucks sake. Why didn’t I think of that? This was all just a big scam isn’t it? Kevin O’Connor doesn’t really give a shit about gay marriage at all. He planned this thing out from the beginning. He just made himself into the pizza Chik-Fil-A. And he made a cool half a mill off of it. This guy is a diabolical genius.

Anyone out there have any good scams they wanna set up with me? Apparently all you have to do is say dumb things on TV, get 95% of the country to hate you, and then wait for the other 5% to throw money at you. God bless America.

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17 Comment(s)
  • John Barker
    JohnnyB
    April 6, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Turtleboy…Thank You..for raising awareness..not just with this article , but All You post.. Everything from potholes to assholes (Jive clive). As for a good scam for You…Go to a school committee meeting in Worcester, tell them You support The Turtle and record!! Lisa and Mel will do there best to shut You down…They may even call You a “Savage”…Long Live the Turtle!!

  • April 4, 2015 at 8:24 am

    They blundered into this, and now have $830,000 raised for them. No one even asked them to cater a gay wedding reception, but the daughter, stupidly or brilliantly, said they wouldn’t (if asked?). The owner/father said although he’s against gay marriage they serve anyone and he doesn’t care. First they got threats, and now they have a lot more money than they’d have made in a decade running a pizza joint. Cause and effect is way overrated.

  • Marianna Islam
    April 3, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    Could I be anymore brain dead and useless???

  • Patrick Fitzgerald
    April 3, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Which part of serving the public don’t people get. Not in my home, I understand. Go non-profit, maybe you can discriminate then.

  • Sam
    April 3, 2015 at 8:34 am

    That guy does have the twain look down

  • Areyouserious?
    April 3, 2015 at 7:59 am

    One good unintended consequence that came out of this law is the Church of Cannibus was approved as a legal entity even though medical and/or recreational marijuana is still illegal in Indiana and they can now smoke weed in their church.

  • April 3, 2015 at 7:40 am

    Having a front row seat for all of this, this story has been the perfect metaphor for how fucked up this whole story has been from day one.

  • Woo Town Crew
    April 3, 2015 at 4:34 am

    Now that they have some dough (pun intended), I hope that they are the latest clueless wonders that can hire Jen Roy as a spokeswoman. Love looking at her, and she distracts you from what a train wreck her client is. Brilliant strategy, Dr, Boone and Ms. Dyer.

  • carlton
    April 3, 2015 at 3:33 am

    I have honestly never considered using the majority’s anger to invoke the minority of the country’s checkbook. You are most certainly correct mah turtleboy! The mostIngenious use of a “moron” stance in the history of Ever! gahddamn!

  • Not-A-Hippie
    April 2, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    Hate speech Only ok when gays do it?

    TB is way off on this one. These “reporters” went out of their way to get their beliefs just to mock them. This is crap journalism, and this law echos the same law Slick Willie signed into law.

    Boo, TB.

    • RBG's fat roll
      April 3, 2015 at 6:01 am

      not a hippie you’re an idiot, the language doesn’t mirror it hence why the governor requested they change it to mimic the 93 law, if it was the same why change it? Oh because its not ya dingus

      • Not-A-Hippie
        April 3, 2015 at 10:24 am

        Blow me.

        • Finnish Goalie
          April 4, 2015 at 7:39 pm

          Irony?

          • Not-A-Hippie
            April 4, 2015 at 8:25 pm

            Take it any way you want.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    April 2, 2015 at 11:37 pm

    So if I say I hate gay people, can I have $419,000?

    Fuck them homos! Fuck ’em right in the ass! Where’s my check?

  • Maggie the Cat
    April 2, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    They sure are making a lot of money!

  • April 2, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    Oh my God! Fantastic article and research TB! TB for President!

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