Irrelevant Oppressed Millionaire Wants You To Google Him So He’ll Come Up First On Search Engines

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It’s clear that this is gonna be a thing now before the start of every NFL game:

Literally had no clue who this guy was. Didn’t even want to know his name. That’s why he did it. He wants you to Google him. This is how irrelevant nobodies are gonna become household names from now on. They’re all just mad that they didn’t think of this before Colin Kaepernick did. They saw how he went from being Blaine freaking Gabbert’s backup to having the best selling jersey in the NFL in one week. All you have to do is pretend to be oppressed and make yourself the center of attention while everyone else is acting like a mature adult.

They know it will work because they know the networks will stay focused on them. They could’ve shown hundreds of players and coaches, but they kept coming back to #54 because they know it will sell. It’s actually brilliant marketing as long as you don’t mind being a gigantic assbag on national television. It’s cool though because ESPN and the rest of the PC prize patrol will have your back. They’ll call you brave and you’ll get interviewed relentlessly and Shaun King will invite you over for milk and cookies.

Turtleboy was on WEEI this morning on the Kirk and Callahan show, and this was the point we made – when losers make political statements we should stop paying attention. If Cam Newton did this it would be one thing. He matters. When losers do it the networks should just stop paying attention because they’re only doing it it for the ratings. Last week some women’s soccer player started doing it and it made the news. WOMEN’S SOCCER!!! We’re talking about Goddamn WOMEN’S SOCCER!!! Don’t you get it? This is just what irrelevant athletes do to get attention now.

Anyway it turns out his name is Brandon Marshall. This makes sense for a couple reasons. When people Google “Brandon Marshall” or “Brandon Marshall NFL,” everyone knows who is gonna come up first. This guy:

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Because when any NFL fan thinks “Brandon Marshall” they think of the perennial Pro-Bowl wide receiver. Seriously, Google image search for “Brandon Marshall NFL” right now. This assbag right here:


Doesn’t come up in the first 100 pictures. Not once. That will change in the next 48 hours. He will be Googled and talked about so many times and it will affect Google algorithms. He might even come up first now. A guy who hasn’t accomplished a fraction of what the real Brandon Marshall has as a player.

And guess where this slug rake went to college?

Nevada Wolf Pack linebacker Brandon Marshall (33) celebrates breaking up a Boston College pass during the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl between the Nevada Wolfpack and the Boston College Eagles at AT&T Park. Nevada won 20-13.


And irrelevant college that no one cares about. Guess who played QB there at the same time as him?

Nevada Wolf Pack quarterback Colin Kaepernick celebrates with fans as he leaves the field after a 34-31overtime win over Boise State during the NCAA college football game Friday night, Nov. 26, 2010, in Reno, Nev. (AP Photo/Cathleen Allison)

Of course this was before black lives mattered to Colin Kaepernick. I guess when no one pays attention to your big win over Utah State you have to do something to get the cameras to look at you.

Ya know which team is gonna have nobody kneeling down during the National Anthem? The New England Patriots. Because not only do we love America, we’re here to play football, not talk about politics. This is why we’re so blessed. Because we’re the only ones who don’t have to worry about this.


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10 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    September 10, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    I know, watching the game, the first couple of times they mentioned him, I thought, “Doesn’t Brandon Marshall play for the Jets?”

  • BobnMic
    September 10, 2016 at 7:30 am

    Every year I go on vacation at the Superbowl. I was going to bring Fiesty this year so we could make sweet love in my reserved private Sky box. I LOVE YOU FIESTY!!!!!!

  • KimberlyS
    September 9, 2016 at 11:35 am

    I just read an article this morning about the female soccer player mentioned here.

    Her name is Megan Rapinoe, and her team, the Seattle Reign, played the Washington Spirit a few days ago.

    Apparently, the owner of the Spirit is a veteran, and he decided to deny her the moment she was seeking.

    They rearranged the order of events, and played the anthem while the team was off the field. The Spirit released this statement:

    “We decided to play the anthem in our stadium ahead of schedule rather than subject our fans and friends to the disrespect we feel such an act would represent. We understand this may be seen as an extraordinary step, but believe it was the best option to avoid taking focus away from the game on such an important night for our franchise.”

    “To willingly allow anyone to hijack this tradition that means so much to millions of Americans and so many of our own fans for any cause would effectively be just as disrespectful as doing it ourselves.”

    “The tradition of honoring our military and our patriotism before our games is very important to us. We strongly feel that there are better ways to begin a conversation about a cause than tarnishing a tradition that is so important to so many.”

    Rapinoe’s response? It’s because she’s gay, and the Spirit is homophobic.


    • blahblah
      September 9, 2016 at 9:52 pm

      Wait, what? A female soccer player is gay? LOL

      • Wabbitt
        September 10, 2016 at 11:03 pm

        I know, right? Totally out of left field!

  • Chris From Georgia
    September 9, 2016 at 8:45 am

    The NFL prohibited the Dallas Cowboys from wearing decals showing support for the police but allows this of type conduct to continue. Disgusting!!! So tell me again why anyone should support the NFL (except for the Patriots)??

    • KimberlyS
      September 9, 2016 at 11:35 am

      (and the Packers)

  • Outside looking In
    September 9, 2016 at 5:33 am

    Blame the coach’s and the owners. You can bet your ass everyone of Beichiks players will show respect or they will be out on their azz collecting unemployment checks.

  • Make America White Again
    September 8, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Real Americans should not stand for this. We need forced compliance and we need it now. Please put pressure on local officials to send armed agents of the government to sports sidelines everywhere. Stand or be executed.

    • GFY
      September 8, 2016 at 10:29 pm

      Die troll!

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