Sports

It’s Patently Unfair How Much God Loves Boston Fans More Than Everyone Else

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Relive the 2018 Boston Red Sox winning the World Series with the play by play from Uncle Turtleboy live from the Blarney Stone.


Is there anything more appropriate than Manny Machado ending the World Series by striking out swinging? Machine Gun Joe Kelly and Chris Sale ended that game by striking out the last 6 batters they have. That’s the most dominant, alpha male way there is to win a World Series.

Nothing will replace 2004. I remember firmly believing that we were cursed and the Red Sox would never win a World Series in my lifetime. I still can’t believe that happened. The amount of nervousness I had going into each and every game, just waiting for them to blow it, was off the charts. I was in a state of complete euphoria when Keith Foulke recorded the final out against St. Louis.

This was the next best thing. In 2007 we won with mostly the same guys, some of who were around again in 2013. I didn’t realize until last night that this team doesn’t have a single player (besides Pedroia if he counts) who wasn’t on that 2013 team. They all won for the first time last night. I gotta be honest, I didn’t see this one coming. I thought Houston would smoke us because they had better starting pitching. Plus, I figured a team led by David Price didn’t have the mental fortitude to win a championship.

But little did I know that the 2018 Red Sox have balls. Big ol’ balls. I don’t know where it came from, but in the last 2-3 weeks this is like a whole new team. I knew we were going to win the second I saw this after the heartbreaking 18 inning game 3 loss:

These dudes were willing to do anything to win. Because none of them have won before. This is a completely new baseball team. They were hungry for a championship.

David Price is the leader of this team. They weren’t winning the last two years in the playoffs because he set the tone that he didn’t give a shit. Then out of nowhere he started caring. I don’t know why, but I welcome it with open arms. Turtleboy believes in redemption. And David Price has basically become the new John Lackey and redeemed himself forever as a Boston legend.

Alex Cora and Dave Dombrowski can’t get enough credit for what they did either. Going into this postseason I thought baseball managers were the most overrated and unnecessary coaches in sports. But as you saw with Dave Roberts, a manager can fuck everything up. And Cora responded by doing everything right. He played Jackie Bradley in game 3 over Andrew Benintendi, and Bradley homered to give us life. He put in Devers game 4 to replace Nunez, and Devers responded by driving in the go ahead run, and then throwing Manny Machado out at first in a web gem for the ages to seal the game in the 9th. He took a gamble by using Eovaldi in extra innings, which would’ve paid off if Kinsler didn’t pull a Buckner.

Meanwhile Dombrowksi brought us Kinsler, Eovaldi, and World Series MVP Steve Pearce at the trade deadline. These were not jaw dropping deals anyone paid attention but, it is turned out to be better than Theo bringing us Dave Roberts and Doug Mientciewicz in 04. Pearce and Eovaldi were arguably our two most valuable and reliable players during the postseason.

Oh, and to make it even better JD Martinez and Mookie Betts, who completely disappeared during the World Series, both hit home runs in the deciding game.

God loves us more. This might seem silly to say, but he really does. We have now won 11 championships in 17 years:

  • 2001 Super Bowl
  • 2003 Super Bowl
  • 2004 World Series
  • 2004 Super Bowl
  • 2007 World Series
  • 2008 NBA Finals
  • 2011 Stanley Cup
  • 2013 World Series
  • 2014 Super Bowl
  • 2016 Super Bowl
  • 2018 World Series

But even that’s misleading because it doesn’t show off how truly great we are. The 49ers might’ve won 4 Super Bowls in the 80’s, but they didn’t come close on any others. Here’s a list of championships we lost in during these 17 years:

  • 2007 Super Bowl
  • 2010 NBA Finals
  • 2011 Super Bowl
  • 2013 Stanley Cup Finals
  • 2017 Super Bowl

And here’s a list of conference championships we lost in:

  • 2002 NBA Eastern Conference Finals (I know, this one shouldn’t count, but it does)
  • 2003 American League Championship Series
  • 2006 AFC Championship
  • 2008 American League Championship Series
  • 2012 NBA Eastern Conference Finals
  • 2012 AFC Championship
  • 2013 AFC Championship
  • 2015 AFC Championship
  • 2016 NBA Eastern Conference Finals
  • 2017 NBA Eastern Conference Finals

That’s 26 conference title appearances in the last 17 years. A lot of cities never make it one in that amount of time. We’re not the Colts, so we don’t celebrate losses, but the fact of the matter is that when our teams don’t win, they come damn close. Obviously God cannot let us win all the time, but He gives us a fun ride in the meantime.

11 Comment(s)
  • Randall Guy
    October 30, 2018 at 12:27 pm

    At least the sports teams gives the rubes west of Framingham something to live for.

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    October 29, 2018 at 2:07 pm

    I never liked Price because he always beat us and then came here and was ‘eh’ for more money than we could have payed to keep Lester. Then his wife would be yapping on social media and then the Eckersley thing. This year he buckled up and the wife kept her mouth shut. I was skeptical off him for the post season, but he finally turned that around. He’s got a clean slate now.

  • Realistic Boston Fan Who Isn't Blind
    October 29, 2018 at 12:56 pm

    Sorry, but God clearly hates New England and everyone in it. Shitty weather, gross food, ugly women, melon-headed alcoholic slobs, garbage filled streets, corrupt government at every level, high taxes, awful roads, terrible traffic, smug liberal assholes, high cost of living and the icing on the shit cake is that it’s all located in the heroine den of the US. I really think God only allows New England sports teams to win because he wants to prevent mass suicides so he can continue to laugh his ass off at how the residents of such a shitty area continually suck their own dicks about how great it is.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      October 29, 2018 at 2:23 pm

      We’ll see. If God does love us, Early will lose the election. If he really loves us, McGovern will lose. And if he has a hard on for us, Warren will lose.

  • ElJefe72
    October 29, 2018 at 12:31 pm

    I guess when you live in Massachusetts, the only thing you have to look forward to is your sports teams doing well.

    • phong
      October 29, 2018 at 1:31 pm

      And Cranberries.

    • Scott
      October 29, 2018 at 1:50 pm

      Yep. This is the thing that eludes these wankers. NYC is a great city, a global city. Boreston will never be that. It’s a suburb of Portland Maine.

      • The Queen's Soiled Diaper
        October 29, 2018 at 3:04 pm

        Yeah, the problem is, “Scott”…
        Americans don’t use the word “wanker”.

        Fuck off, limey cocksucker. Mind your own fucking business and stick to your homo “cricket”.

        • Scott
          October 29, 2018 at 10:37 pm

          LOL we have a sleuth in the thread. And a shitty one at that. I thought you wankers called yourselves New Englanders which means I used a word you all should know. Guess I shoulda used hoodbooger.

  • Y
    October 29, 2018 at 12:25 pm

    Jared Carrabis (Barstool) is the most insufferable person I have ever seen or heard, and he is a disgrace to all Boston fans.

  • Ace
    October 29, 2018 at 12:13 pm

    Xander was on the 2013 team. That was his rookie year.

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