Just when you thought bacon jalapeño mac and cheese boy Luke Gatti would disappear into the realms of Internet assholes, he purposely put himself back in the spotlight with an apology video that he uploaded to yesterday. What do you think?
What a buttnut this little turdlinger is. Let’s look at what he said and examine how this kid just reaffirmed everything we already thought about him. His comments are in italics and Turtleboy’s rational thoughts follow in bold.
“I’ve seen the video and let me just get a few things out there. I’m gonna start by apologizing to all the staff involved in my incident, especially the manager, who was just doing his job. He gave me so many chances to walk away and I just didn’t listen to him. I was being an asshole to him, no one deserves to be treated that way. Ever (laughs). To say the least I was VERY intoxicated.”
Newsflash – we’ve all been very intoxicated before. Most of us start drunk dialing ex-girlfriends or fall over into a patch of perfectly placed rose bushes. But no normal person gets drunk and assaults a cafeteria employee. I don’t care how good that bacon jalapeño mac and cheese is, no person with a soul has it in them to act like that in public no matter how drunk they are.
And when I watched the video a few days later I couldn’t even believe it was me in it. Like, I was just watching it thinking, like, Oh my GOD, like, like, what is wrong with me? This isn’t what I’m all about. Like, I don’t treat people this way, and, I am ashamed. I really am ashamed of myself.
This isn’t what you are all about? Dude this is EXACTLY what you are all about. You were arrested last year at UMass, not once, but twice in a fortnight. You called a white cop the “n” word, and went out of your way to find yourself in handcuffs.
You know how I can tell he’s not “really ashamed of himself.” Because this is the face he made when he said that:
That’s the face I made when my French teacher asked why I didn’t do my homework. It’s the face you make when you know you fucked up and you can’t find a way to justify it.
Oh yea, and no one gives a shit about “what you’re all about.” No one cares. Nobody wants to get to know the “real” Luke. It’s like when Dzokhar Tsarnaev blew up the marathon and his fifth grade math teachers and wrestling teammates came out of the woodworks to talk about how this wasn’t anything like the Jafar they knew. We don’t wanna know about the softer sides of notorious assholes. We saw all we needed to see.
The thing that’s always gotten me into trouble is just my big mouth. I talk and talk and I don’t know when to shut up.
Yet you’re still talking. Hey moron, what you’re not getting is that this isn’t about you. You’re the villain we never wanna hear from again. This is about the hardworking people who work in the cafeteria and feed asshole trust fund, lucky Long Island sperm like yourself.
Being stubborn, being stupid. And I’ve got some problems that I am addressing. And, this is seriously a wakeup call.
Yea, because last year’s two arrests in two weeks weren’t a wakeup call already. NOW you realize that you might have a problem with being a serial asshole.
And I would also like to apologize to my friends and family who have always supported me through the years. I have completely disappointed them. Completely let them down. I would like to apologize to the student body for representing them poorly. It’s not what UConn is all about. I totally misrepresented them.
Don’t apologize to your friends and family – they’re the ones who have been enabling you this whole time. They should be apologizing to us. You got kicked out of UMass for being such a dooshnozzle, and what does your Dad do? He gets you into UConn and pays your out of state tuition. Any parent who actually cares about their kid makes them get a job for a year and take classes at community college so you actually learn from your mistakes. But Daddy just got it swept under the rug for you and wrote a check to another school instead.
And, uh yea, that’s pretty much what I have to say.
Thank God it’s over……
Oh actually, and ummm,
to all those who want to send donations of mac and cheese to me. Please, just send it to your local food pantry. There’s a lot of hungry people out there.
Oh shut the fuck up already. That is the most passive aggressive bullshit I’ve ever read. It’s like the guy who writes on Facebook, “I don’t volunteer down at the youth center so people can tell me I’m a great guy. I do it for the look on the kid’s faces, knowing that I’m making a difference in their lives.”
This is the moment where you can tell this kid hasn’t learned a thing. He’s still a poop sandwich. No one knew that people were lining up to send this kid mac and cheese. Literally no one besides him. But he wants us to know that he has fans and supporters. He’s getting tons of offers for free stuff, but he’s just so damn humble he can’t accept the donations. As a matter of fact, why don’t you take that food and feed the poor instead. That’s what Luke Gatti, patron saint of mac and cheese would do.
The whole apology turned this kid into an even bigger asshole. No one out there has had their opinion of him change as a result of this failed attempt at a bro-pology. He’s smirking throughout the whole thing, he says “like” a million times because he can’t find the right words.
What this kid should’ve done is embrace the bad boy. Your life is basically fucked at this point. It’s gonna be hard to recover from Lukey’s latest boner. I mean, what college is gonna take you? What company is gonna hire the bacon jalapeño mac and cheese kid? So apologizing is a waste of time.
What he should’ve done is gone rogue asshole in his rebuttal video. Become the biggest possible villain in the history of time and make money off it. Start your own line of mac and cheese. Start a Facebook like page. It’s the only way you can survive in this world going forward and you have no choice now but to embrace it.
If I was this kid’s agent I would’ve told him to do a video where he goes on there and brags about how he’s 1-0 against cafeteria managers and how it took multiple employees AND the cops to take him down. I’d challenge them to another fight and the winner gets unlimited bacon jalapeño mac and cheese for life. Then I’d have him do a rap video where he talks about how gangsta he was during that incident and he found way better bacon jalapeño mac and cheese in Long Island. He would instantly get millions of views and he’d make a fortune selling t-shirts and other merchandise. The question is, what should we brand him as? We need a name that says, “I’m an overly pretentious white kid from Long Island and I know it and don’t give a fuck because I’m above you anyway.”