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Just to be clear, yesterday’s Patriots loss to the Jets is the most meaningless loss in the NFL this season. It was actually a good thing, and I’m not even the least bit upset that it happened. The Steelers, Jets, and Chiefs are fighting for the two final playoff spots. Alex Smith has led a team to the NFC Championship. Big Ben has raped his way to two Super Bowls. The Chiefs defense is an unstoppable force of nature, as is the Steelers offense.
Meanwhile the Jets are quarterbacked by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Nuff said.
Obviously it is in the best interest of the Patriots to have either the Chiefs or Steelers not make the playoffs, which means it was in our best interest to lose this game. We already had a first round bye, and the only other team that can get home field throughout the playoffs are the Bengals. And if the Bengals get home field throughout, it means we’re automatically in the Super Bowl. Because there is no way in hell the Patriots would EVER go into Cincinnati and lose a playoff game. More than likely they’d get upset by the Chiefs or the Steelers and we’d host the AFC Championship anyway. Therefore this game against the Jets didn’t matter.
As for that coin toss, obviously Bill Belichick is lying to everyone when he says he wanted to kick. You all saw how Matt Slater reacted after he found out the Patriots would be kicking.
He realized he fucked up. Only a moron would actually believe that Belichick intended for that to happen. But he has to make it seem like he’s smarter than anyone else, because admitting that he pulled a boner like that would put him in company with people like Rex Ryan and Pete Carroll. But he did, and that’s OK because he’s won four Super Bowls.
More importantly though, the Patriots just let them put together one of the easiest game winning touchdown drives you’ll ever see after shutting them down in the fourth quarter. Right around this time they got news that the Steelers lost to the Ravens and from that point on the fix was obviously in, and we were the ones who fixed it this time. They didn’t deserve to win, and more than likely they lost on purpose. Because even when we lose, we still win. We are just blessed like that.
Anyway, Jets fans are trash. They’re like Buffalonians with worse accents. And to prove my point we show you this parking lot fight, which is exactly how we would expect Jets fans to conduct themselves in a parking lot fight with a Patriots fan:
In case last video didn't work pic.twitter.com/LudbA14RXk
— Dave Portnoy (@stoolpresidente) December 27, 2015
It starts off as a 1 on 1:
But this is New York, so some guido reject had to sneak up from behind him:
Punch him in the back of the head:
And then watch as his asshole buddy from Jersey stomps him with his Timberlands:
Savages. I expect nothing less from fans of a perennial loser team who hasn’t been relevant since Broadway Joe led them to ONE Super Bowl title that my grandfather told me about.
Bring on the Dolphins. They have no fans. That stadium will be empty next week and our defense is going to eat Ryan Tannehill for lunch. None of the injuries will matter, and there’s no reason to play Brady and Gronk for more than one quarter. I’ll accept a 13-3 season with the injuries we’ve had, get homefield throughout the playoffs, and cruise to another Super Bowl.
It’s great to wake up this morning and be a Patriots fan. God loves me, and if you’re lucky enough to be a fan of the greatest team in the history of sports, then he loves you too. Be blessed my friends.
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