Sports

Jets Pull Boner, Dolphins Spanked, Patriots Facialize Vikings – Everything Is Back To Normal

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

 

Remember when the New England Patriots were the only team in the AFC East without a win? Remember when moron Jets, Dolphins, and Bills fans thought they actually had a shot at winning the division because they were one game up on us one week into the season?

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.36.52 PM Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.39.24 PM

LOL. The Jets. Yea, everything’s back to normal now. The Patriots facialized the Vikings in front of a stadium full of idiots proudly wearing the jerseys of a guy who just beat up his kid with a switch. I had no idea people from Minnesota were so dumb until I saw what geniuses were saying on Facebook:

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.50.04 PM

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.48.49 PM

LOL. The Vikings were on the path to the Super Bowl because they beat the God awful Rams. Right.

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.47.46 PM

Well that’s a new one. I’ve heard Belichick called a cheater five million times, but apparently he put a stick in Adrian Peterson’s hand and made him beat his son with it too. Before the game they posed this question on their Facebook page:

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.48.15 PM

Logically most answers had something to do with this:

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.48.37 PM

Yea, FOOTBALL!!! Who cares about child abuse when you run a 4.3 40 yard dash? FOOTBALL!!! Basically after the loss everyone on the Vikings Facebook page was blaming it on the unfair suspension that AP got for beating his child, who he barely knows, while his mouth was stuffed with leaves in order to muzzle the screams:

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 2.42.44 PM

Yea, you guys were definitely a running back away from winning that game yesterday. Sure Matt Cassel threw four interceptions. Sure our defense was a devastating force of nature. But you totally would’ve overcome that 30-7 deficit if you put in a fucking running back. Gotta love these nudnik’s rationale too. “We’re so soft because we can’t beat our kids. I got spanked till the cows came home and it made me a man. Murica”

Blah, blah, blah. There’s no arguing with dolts like this. The only thing you can do is try to get them going. Next time you hear someone say something like that throw this one out there at them: “Yea, the other day I beat my kid’s face in with a shovel. That’ll teach him to talk back. My daddy beat me with shovels all the time and I turned out just fine.”

But yea, AP would’ve stopped that punt block and caught all four of Cassel’s INT’s. Right.

nfl-meme-elite-daily-600x300

The Dolphins-Bills game was perfect. Miami got their ass handed to them. I want the Bills to keep winning so badly. It gets me aroused every time I see them win a game. Because the Turtelboy crew will be in Buffalo for the Columbus Day Pats-Bills rowdy-down. Do you understand what that game will be like if the Bills are still in the playoff hunt? Do you understand how many assholes will be yelling obscenities at us in front of their children? Like, a million assholes. Do you understand how many times we’ll be reminded that Tom Brady takes it in the poop shoot? Do you understand how many times we’re gonna be called “faggots?” Millions of times. I can’t wait. It gets me hot and bothered just thinking about it. The Bills Facebook page is ON FIRE:

screen-shot-2014-07-27-at-12-32-14-am screen-shot-2014-07-27-at-12-33-39-am 10511090_10201364055342466_6127699677502445805_n

Miami fans can go back to not caring about sports now. Roughly 90% of Dolphins fans live in Massachusetts. That’s a scientific fact. And by definition anyone who is a Dolphins fan is a contrarian dipshit with a 1996 starter jacket still in their closet. The only sports team that can ever be truly popular in Miami are the Hurricanes. And even then it’s completely dependent on a coach that showers his players with booze, hookers, and a big bag of spit!!

The Jets meanwhile pulled a move that only the Jets could pull off – converting a miraculous fourth quarter touchdown, only to have it wiped out because someone idiot on the sideline called a timeout right before the ball was snapped. Rex Ryan insists he didn’t call the timeout, which he didn’t. Instead one of his idiot assistants called it. Or a player. Or a fan. Doesn’t matter who, because the bottom line is that the Jets will always be a functional disaster of organized chaos. I don’t care that Sexy Rexy didn’t call a timeout. You know who this would never happen to? Bill Belichick. Because he has institutional control of his team and Rex Ryan doesn’t.

But hey, when you’re the coach of a team that is synonymous with the term “butt fumble,” this is pretty par for the course. Someday my little turtle children will ask me about this “butt fumble.” They will say, “Turtle Daddy, who is Mark Sanchez?” And I will show them this picture:

7342

And we will all have a laugh at the Jets expense. Then we will eat ice cream and watch the Patriots Championship DVD’s as I reminisce about a magical 20 year period where all Boston teams did was win everything.

So yea, the Patriots weren’t perfect yesterday. Brady is still way too dependent on Julian Edelman. The offensive line is still an issue and makes stupid mistakes. They lead the NFL in penalty yardage (263 yards), and second place isn’t even close (196 yards). But they’re back on the right track. Back to back shellackings of the Raiders and Chiefs should set us up for a showdown with Cincinnati. Imagine the Pats losing to a ginger quarterback. You can’t even begin to imagine that. So the bottom line is we’ll be 4-1 going into the Columbus Day showdown with the Bills. And that trip will be the stuff that blog legends are made of.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

 

 

 

 

4 Comment(s)
  • Joe
    September 16, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    Guess you’re forgetting about the last time Brady faced that Ginge…last year. Because Tom isn’t the greatest passer in the rain…and they lost…to a ginger qb…pretty easy to imagine that.

  • Joey G
    September 15, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    I can’t wait to be called a faggot by Buffalo fans

  • Margee Pesikov
    September 15, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    That photo of the guy in blue and the guy in white turns me on.

  • Bee
    September 15, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Revis island was spotted in New England. Big game from the D and special teams. Gostkowski was brilliant kicking into the stands and completely eliminating the run option. I’d like to think McDaniels decided in the 2nd half to not push the offense since we were killing them anyway. Wishful thinking probably. And, lastly, Amendola is a waste of payroll.

Comment on this Post

RELATED POSTS
Who Did A Better Job Of Cheating: Jason Kidd or Mike Tomlin?
Cleveland Browns Backup QB Is Best Kept Freak Show In NFL
Priceless Fan Reactions to Alabama-Auburn Game As BCS Fails Again In It’s Final Season