WTF

Judge Reprimands Jury For Laughing At Defendant Accused Of Attempting Felatio With Cow And Sheep

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A jury broke out into laughter on Monday after prosecutors described how a cow rejected the advances of an alleged sheep fucker.

Last September, a couple having a picnic reportedly witnessed 61-year-old Paul Lovell attempting to have sex with a sheep just minutes after he tried—and failed—to have sex with a cow in a field near London. Lovell, who was 250 yards from the couple, was reportedly “laying on the floor, taking his shorts off” before the attempted animal sex acts.

When the cow rejected his advances, prosecutors told jurors the man decided “try his luck with some sheep,” At that point, understandably, the jury burst into laughter. The judge, however, was less amused and chided the jurors for laughing, according to the International Business Times.

One charge of indecent exposure was dropped against Lovell due to lack of evidence, though a second charge of outraging public indecency was amended to make sure it stuck: The charge now reads outraging public indecency with “fellatio on a cow.”

Good thing they nabbed this guy so he’s not still on the lamb.

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This whole story is extremely confusing. How can you try to fellate a cow? Aren’t cows by definition female? Are they sure he wasn’t just trying to milk it? Or maybe the guy just saw Tommy Boy and realized that you could get a good look at a T-Bone steak by looking up the cow’s ass? Probably should’ve just taken the butcher’s word for it. Either way the point is moo(t). This whole story is udderly ridiculous if you ask me.

Now in this guy’s defense, have you seen British women before? The Dutchess of Cambridge is the exception, not the rule. If you like missing teeth, terrible accents, and fish and chips breath, then I guess you’d like the babes there. This guy obviously wasn’t a fan. He probably should’ve stopped after he was rejected by the cow though. After all, moo means moo. Quite frankly, this was COWardly behavior. Yea I know, I’m milking this story for all it’s worth. It just too funny though.

I am not going to pass judgement on this unfortunate individual who is unable to fulfill his dreams of bovine conquest. However, I will cast judgement on the judge, who apparently can’t understand why this would make everyone burst out laughing. As soon as I read the first two paragraphs I was laughing hysterically. Couldn’t help it. Who could? When you hear a story about some demented British guy getting rejected by cows and sheep you’re going to laugh out loud. It’s science. Apparently this judge was blessed with the ability to not laugh at obviously hilarious stories like this though. This is basically how this went down:

Prosecutor: “

This is a serious case. You have been given the burden of deciding the fate of the defendant, and must take this case seriously……….That man right there, is a sheep f***er.”

If you don’t burst out laughing after hearing something like that in a courtroom, well, you’re probably not the type of person I want to hang out with. And apparently this doesn’t just happen in England. Anybody notice the sign in the background here?

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So stop laughing America. Man on livestock love is a phenomena on both sides of the Atlantic.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation MOOving.

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3 Comment(s)
  • John Clark Sucks
    January 29, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Your best piece yet

  • Joey G
    January 29, 2014 at 10:57 am

    You really took the bull by the horns on this one… and gave it a reach around.

  • Michael Guyette
    January 29, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Bravo. Gotta give it to you for this one. Ive got tears streaming. Well done Turtle. From the intro to the description of the slags in the UK, spot on. Nailed it

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